My mother cut my daughters hair without my permission Post Reply

[dachshundvalley]

My daughter is 2 yrs 2 months and has (had) lovely curly hair, sunkissed on the ends and one long ringlet at the back which I just loved. I haven't wanted to cut her hair because it looks cute and I love the length it is (or was..). Today my husband and I left our daughters with my parents for 2 hours (they never babysit and after today never again) and after my 2 yr old woke from her nap my mother cut her hair. She has always said to me "why don't you cut that long curl down her back and then it will all be the same length and curl more?" To which I would always say, no I love it the way it is. When I came back today and saw her hair I was beyond livid. I got all our stuff together and we all left, and I cried and the more I thought about what she had done the more upset I got. She did this to my neice when she was 2 as well, she cut her fringe so badly and my sister was furious. Anyway I got the hair she cut and so I've got the long ringlet but I hate my daughters hair now, it just looks awful, my mother can't cut hair well at all. I'm so furious with her for the lack or respect and over stepping of boundaries that I actually never want to see her again. I know it's only hair but it grows so slowly and I wanted to cut her hair for the first time when I wanted it, and how I wanted it. I don't even know if anyone will reply to this or what I'm expecting from posting this, I just feel totally betrayed and I'm so upset about it, I can't stop crying.

[tooposhtopush]

Wow.

Outrageous.

Do you normally get on with her?

[dachshundvalley]

Yes, we've become really close recently because we now live near each other. I just can't understand what drove her to pick up the scissors and actually cut her hair. Knowing I would be upset too. And my older daughter just said she tried to cut her hair as well but she said no.

[Lovingsleep]

I would be absolutely furious too. It's about trust. I hope she apologises to you- big time.

[dachshundvalley]

I've just had an email from my father telling me off for something I said to my mother after I saw she cut my daughters hair. I don't even remember what I said but he has called me shameful and utterly disgraceful. I actually can't believe this nightmare I'm in now. I said if she is that brave and gutsy to pick up scissors and actually cut my daughters hair against my wishes then she should be able to take anything I said in reaction. I didn't ask for this, I don't want a family feud but I can't have her be the victim here when she has done this and not even apologised!!!

[dhcwong]

I hate it when parents do this. They do something wrong and then make it all about themselves and their hurt feelings when you understandably retaliate.

Grrr!!

That said, please don't let it escalate into a family feud!! At the best - say 'I'm sorry this happened but you must respect my boundaries. Now let's leave this behind'.

At worst just bite your tongue, leave it quiet for a few weeks, and then have a short llunch somewhere acting like nothing happened. good luck x

[Dreamer]

I have a similar story, but no mothers involved, (that's another story, my mother voted out of Europe and we couldn't speak to her for a while after that!)
I left 2 three year olds having a play date at my house under the supervision of a 26 year old au pair. When the mother of the other child came to collect her daughter I was not there. She had dropped off a child with beautiful long dark hair and collected one with very short tufty hair. The 2 girls had gone into my older daughter's bedroom and found her sewing kit, and used the scissors to hack off each other's hair. There was hair everywhere all over the room. I was mortified!! The other mother was incredibly gracious, said 'well at least she still has 2 ears, and then had the hair recut into a stylish bob which she sweetly said suited her daughter really well. We are all still great friends and now laugh about it. She is now 8 and has beautiful long hair again. These things are not the end of the world. Your mum only thought she was being helpful, forgive her, it's just not worth the hassle of feeling bitter.

[Vhopeful]

She was wrong with what she did but remember it is only hair and it will grow back fast. My mum would probably do something like this but that's who she is and I love her all the same.
I would apologise and say sorry you said something to hurt her but you were very upset by her cutting your daughters hair against your will. Don't let thinks stew as it will all just get worse.

[HeatherKT2]

Poor you - horrible situation. Think we all agree that you have every right to be upset.

Yet parents are parents and in future years I doubt you would want a rift and permanent breakdown to occur over your child's hair. So I guess the real question is what to do next? Why not send a letter (nothing like a stamp on something coming through the door that says you've sent a considered response). I've had to do this once with my family and it had the desired effect. Tell her that you love her, and that of course you apologise if you upset her, but that there was a very real reason for you to be upset and then say all the things you've written in your original post - you had previously expressed what you wanted, that you are now left wondering whether she will take decisions without consulting you in future, that there are a number of precious moments as your child grows up and whilst she might not always agree with you as to what is 'precious' and important, you would like to think she could respect your requests.

Then, and I think this bit is important, ask to see her soon with your child but do it on neutral territory like a cafe or the park for an hour or so. Somehow when you meet at their house or yours the control is always in one persons hand. Nice bit of neutral territory sets a very definite tone and you can always extricate from the meet up relatively swiftly if you feel upset.

Just my humble opinion on someone who has been through similar family problems. Good luck. You have every right to be upset, but you need to be the super clever intelligent person on how this next step goes. Good luck and do update us!

[LoveSW11]

Omg. Why do some parents act like this?!?! It's incomprehensible to me, yet my parents have done similar things and much, much worse sadly.
It's upsetting to hear other adults going through hurtful moments with their parents

I'm so so sorry to hear what your mum did. I understand completely your sadness at missing out on your little one's first haircut and the betrayal you must feel at your mum's disrespectful action. And for your father to dismiss your pain by making it only about your mum because she was offended, it's just crazy! He's fuelling your anger and increasing the depth if your hurt.

I agree that it would be a shame for this incident to escalate into a family feud or to break up your relationship completely, especially for your children if they enjoy time with your parents. I also agree that you should take this as an opportunity to set firm boundaries from now on and explain everything in writing. However, considering their attitude from your Dad's email, I just really hope for all involved that they will 'allow' you to explain your reasons and that they will take them in an accept your pain as a result of what she/they did.
They would need to get over their 'being offended as their defence' because this attitude will just make you feel worse, more upset and more angry toward them.
I truly hope that somehow they will understand their mistake and accept responsibility that your mother's action was completely misjudged/out of line/hurtful and just plain wrong. And I hope that she will be 'brave' enough to apologise for causing you this hurt, at least this would go some way in making you feel better, if she doesn't it will be difficult to heal this pain and regain trust, I would imagine.

Please don't feel that your upset isn't valid. This is just how they are trying to make you feel with the follow up email... You were hurt by what your mother did because it was inconsiderate of her, to say the least, this is not just about hair! Of course hair grows back however, your Mum and Dad hopefully will accept that your trust and love for them will not if they don't show you they care about having upset you even if unintentionally! Your relativo shop will remain 'cracker' if they are not 'big enough' to show you they are sorry they upset, It's pretty logical and straight forward...
I hope for you (and them) that they can see they need to validate your feelings in order to move on without scars that will otherwise linger in your heart and resurface ever time you have a small disagreement.
I'm so sorry this happened, it was a really big mistake of judgement your mum (and Dad) made... regardless of how they will respond please find it in yourself to forgive them because if they knew better they would do better so don't hold on to your anger, validate your own feelings. Anyone in your place would feel hurt.
Good luck with resolving this harmoniously x

[wildatheart]

This is horrible to have happened. Do talk straight with your mother about boundaries and try not to lose the relationship for the future. She is out of line and you may have to keep putting up fence posts but losing your mother, father and your childrens' grandparents in the long run would be so sad.

If talking together becomes a row, it could help to sit with an impartial mediator.

[LoveSW11]

Ps. Sorry about the typos at the end of my loong message, hope it made sense! My dictionary switched language and auto correct started to do its job lol

One more thing, you're obviously doing a great job raising strong confident kids as your older daughter stood her ground with her own hair. Well done!

If all else should fail with your parents seeing where they did wrong, perhaps sign post them to this trail!!! Perhaps a bit of unbiased overview might make them see...

[LoveSW11]

Ps. Sorry about the typos at the end of my looooooong message, hope it made sense! My dictionary switched language and auto correct started to do its job lol

One more thing, you're obviously doing a great job raising strong confident kids as your older daughter stood her ground with her own hair. Well done!

If all else should fail with your parents seeing where they did wrong, perhaps sign post them to this trail!!! Perhaps a bit of unbiased overview might make them see...

[Cleod]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry this happened to you and your daughter and this is exactly the type of thing my mother would do. My daughter has big curly hair and she keeps saying why don't you straighten it? (She is 3!) she's totally serious.
I'd agree with some of the others, don't let this escalate, there are far worse things that parents do and we get over it, and more importantly they won't be around forever. I always repeat this to myself whenever my mum winds me up. I also keep telling my husband to make sure he reminds me of these incidents so I don't do the same to our daughter in the future!
Good luck with it x

[LoveSW11]

My husband just read your post and he's really annoyed he says if your mother doesn't see what the problem is, perhaps you should give her a haircut yourself while she sleeps