My friend's mum died yesterday, what can I do for his kids? Post Reply

[Rose@abambo]

My very good friend's mum lost a short battle with cancer yesterday. I am going to send flowers and a letter but what can I do for his daughters (4 and 6), one of whom is my godchild?

They live in Brighton so I can't just pop in, nor would I do so at this family time, but I wanted to try and support his daughters in some way.

Perhaps some sort of games from Amazon to distract them? Feels a bit weird to send random fun things at such a sad time though.

Any suggestions greatly received.

Rose

[tooposhtopush]

I am so so sorry - how horrid.

I am not an expert at this but in my limited experience...

1. there are practical issues that need sorting and whilst you can't help with those you can do other things that give the bereaved more time. So taking around nice cooked meals (that only need heating) and then picking up the dirty dishes are one or two less jobs for them to do. I know you are in Brighton so why don't you send vouchers or order in take away from a local restaurant for them?

2. Offer to come down and pick up their kids if you can?

3. There are some great books for children on bereavement. It's probably not your place to send these through but you could send a quick note along the lines of "I know you've got a million things to do but I hope you find the following helpful" and list the books etc. That's one less thing they need to worry about

4. Be on the phone to listen. My friend told me that what upset her most was that people didn't want to talk about the person who died. Just sharing memories and chatting about how wonderful they were etc is something some people find awkward but they really want to do

Hope that's helpful and good luck...

[Rose@abambo]

Tooposhtopush that's so brilliantly helpful, thank you.

It's a really good idea, searching out good books to try and help the kids. I could perhaps ask if I can order the books for the kids too, to save him the trouble if he likes the idea.

And sending vouchers for meals, or even a picnic hamper, is a such good thinking at such a busy time.

It's so hard to know what to do for the parents, let alone for the kids, but knowing that I needn't stay away from talking about my friend's mum is really helpful.

Thank you.

Rose

[gabster]

There is a cook in Brighton - they deliver as well. I am not clear - is it the children's mum or grandma - if mum a charity like winstons wish or another bereavement charity could help - so you could get information for them. Food and a listening ear - now and after the funeral and for months to come is useful

[kishi]

What a great godparent you are. So great that you're thinking of them!

My dad died of cancer on Boxing Day last year and I found all the suggestions below very helpful - sweet stuff is good for energy and morale but reasonably healthy savoury meals are also great when you're in survival mode after a family members dies. My kids (then aged 3 and 5) appreciated people giving them things like sticker books and small things (although it was just after Xmas so that had plenty of new stuff but anyway!) to keep them distracted when I was busy with death-related stuff.

Someone also gave us Badger's Parting Gifts which I found really helpful with the girls (although it made me cry my eyes out but probably in a helpful way!)

Going forward, I think when you lose someone it is great if your friends give you a chance to talk about them. Not just how you're feeling and the sad stuff (although it is lovely if you do go on asking your friend how he's feeling after the immediate aftermath is over with) but give them space to chat about the lost family member, kids as well as adults. My children love chatting about their grandfather and stuff he did with them and some people look embarrassed and sad when they bring him up so it's nice when they are encouraged to talk about the happy memories. Overall I agree with other posters that it's wonderful if you can make sure your friend knows you're still there for him and the family not just now in the run up to the funeral etc but in the long run as I think grief doesn't always follow a set pattern.

I'm sure you'll be a great comfort and support.

[Rose@abambo]

Hi gabster,
Sorry for the confusion, it's my adult friend who has lost his mother (ie the grandmother). Thank you for your advice on the cook in Brighton, I will look into it. I am going down on Thursday for the funeral so I shall have a chat with his other friends and make a plan. Thank you!

Dear Kishi,
I am so sorry that you lost your father last year and at such a family time. I just can't imagine what it's like and how it must shatter your life. Thank you so much for sharing, I find it so brave when people can tell people about such painful events.
Your advice has definitely helped; I texted my friend last night and talked quite freely about his mum whereas before I had skirted around her somewhat. Thank you so much. I will also look into Badger's Parting Gifts.
Rose