Grandparent is dying Post Reply

[JMLB]

My dad is terminally I'll. My babies are 3 & 1 and I'm struggling with loosing dad and for them loosing their grandad, would anyone let me have their stories about how to deal with this?

[MrsAmanda]

Oh, I'm very sorry.

My FiL died a month ago so it's too recent to give you advice on how to cope.
Our children are 2 and 6 months. The first time we went to his house after he died, as soon as we pulled up outside, my elder son started saying 'gangan, gangan' and trying to jump out of his carseat. He was so excited. It broke my heart having to tell him grandad wasn't there.

We are comforted by the fact we'd visited him the week before he died and he'd had a lovely time with the grandchildren. He adored them, and it's only our son's reaction I mentioned above that made us realise it was reciprocated.

My husband is being stoical, but he's not really started grieving yet. Best advice I can give is to let yourself feel whatever emotions you need to. Don't bottle it up and don't hide from it. Keep happy memories at the forefront of your mind.

Take care of yourself.

[moops]

Hi

I'm so sorry to hear this and unfortunately I'm going through something similar. My FIL has been diagnosed with lung cancer and bone cancer in his leg. He's the absolute world to my 3 year old Son, we don't see him that often as he's in the UK but we skype and talk all the time and when we do see him they stick to each other like glue. I'm so sad that he's going to lose him at such an early age, it's just not fair and I have no idea how to explain it when he's gone. It's going to break my heart!

[shellbell83]

Hello.

I am very sorry for your loss.
We lost my mum 3 months ago, and this is going to be the hardest time of ur life.
Ur 1 year old wont know to much about it but ur 3 year old will be very aware of grandads passing ( I lost my grandad 4 months before my mum) and this week my sister lost her baby.

I suggest taking loads of photos and videos, and making loads of memories to always remember. Maybe a night away all together.

The best thing to do is go to the library, research urself how to handle children and death, that will hopefully help you.
The most important thing you can do for ur 3 year oldis look for books in the childrens library, thats about people dying, read them together with ur child, explain that grandad is poorly and his going to die, explain he will become an angel in heaven, heaven is a wonderful place where he can see old friends and family. Explain that grandad will always love them and and he can tthat ur child can talk to him whenever he wants to. But try to explain grandad wont answer but he can hear.
U need to try to be honest, but ur child will worry that u will die, and they will die, u need to be honest with ur oldest child.
U younger one will feel the emotion and feelings of everything so will be unsettled. Does ur oldest go to nursery? If so make them aware of the situationand see if they can talk to the class about relatives dying.
Its going to be hard for u and ur babies. Then uv got to think about the funeral and u need to work out if ur 3 yr old is mature enough to go thru that. Thats pros and cons, maybe u should research that too.
Kindest regards,
Michelle

[tillywith2boys]

Hello

I'm really sorry to hear your news.

This may be unpopular, as I know we're all trying all the time to the best parents we can, but I really think you should focus on you and your dad at the moment.

The loss of a parent (I lost my dad 6 years ago when my eldest was 5 months old) is a huge thing, and a really painful one. And I remember the stark feeling, having spent 5 months completely wrapped up in my little baby, suddenly feeling like a 'daughter' again. Don't know if that makes sense.

All I mean is, the posts are right, you need to be honest with your children, make their time with their grandad special, but take time for you, and for you and him, too, and make that special, and make sure your father knows how you feel about him and how much you love him. Being at peace with your relationship (with your father) I found really helped me.

Children are very resilient and all you can do is make them feel safe and loved. You can make special memories for everyone, and he'll always be part of them, their history, their makeup, what makes your (wider) family what is it, but I worried a teeny bit when I read your post that you're focusing on your children and how they cope. And they will cope. But you also need to focus on you. I'm just saying give yourself a bit of time / care too.

If it helps anyone, I bought (sponsored, more accurately!) a star for my dad. It's always really really helped me. Wherever I am in the world, no matter what time, but especially at night, I can always look up and feel like he's there. And my children know that too... even though they don't remember him / met him (my youngest). He's still their grandad. And they know what he meant to me.

Hope this helps a bit.

[Annabel (admin)]

What an awful situation you are in, I hope we can help.

I've seen that some members of the NappyValleyNet community have already replied to your post, I am sure that there will be more suggestions over the next few days and, if it is ok with you, I will mention your post in my weekly email and perhaps we can get some more suggestions.

Again, I am so sorry that you are all in such a difficult situation.

A

[Honeymummy]

I am really sorry about this and what you are going through.
My father-in-law died last Christmas and I saw how much it meant to my 5 year-old. We said that her grandad had gone and that he would not come back, and that happens to all of us one day, that her grandad would always love her but just could not be there with us anymore, but perhaps he could just see her from where he is. She asked how it happened and we said that when someone gets old, they become a bit fragile and sometimes become too ill to survive. Ever since Christmas she's been telling the world about her grandad who passed away (even to complete strangers in the park). She says that he died because he was 200 years old. She talks about him in her daily life, how he would like it if she finished her plate, or if she could read that book, etc. She talks about this in a nice way so it doesn't really sound sad. I think it helps my husband to grieve too, the way she chats about him almost everyday. She also talks a lot about death in general like in 'if i do that will i die ?', or 'if my baby sister eats this toy then she will stop breathing and will die' which i find really harsh and am not sure how to handle, as we adults usually avoid talking about death.

[8han]

I'm really sad to hear about your dad. My dad died a few months ago and my daughter was 2yrs 8 months then. We didn't want to scare her so we didn't tell her he's gone to sleep or he was very ill as we didn't want any sleep issues or make her worried when she was ill. We just told her he's gone to heaven and it's a lovely place, we can't go there but he's got lots of friends and a dog there.

She still mentions him sometimes and we still talk about him so she doesn't forget him. Broke my heart last week when she mentioned him and said he was grandma's friend.

[Hattie]

There are a few lovely books available which may help: try this website:

www.wordpool.co.uk/ccb/feelings/grandparent.htm

[JMLB]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.
It's early days and we are all trying to look out for each other, and your advice will really help.
Thanks again, I have printed this off and will keep it close.

[Mama]

I am very sorry to hear about what you are going through.

I don't know how you are going to read this but I hope it helps you see some good in all of it. I know how painful it is to loose your dad, I lost mine few years ago. If it all follows the natural order of events, we will all unfortunately experience that loss at some point in our lives, and I can't stop saying to myself how lucky you all are that he has lived to meet his grandchildren.
I very well know this is of little consolation, but my dad would have loved to meet his grandchildren more than anything in the world, and he couldn't. My daughter asks me about my dad, her grandad, she understands that people get old or ill and die, yet no matter how much I would ever speak about him, I will never be able to fill in the 'place' of her grandad in her life. And I know that because I never met one of my grandads. So while we may feel more for those children who will have a memory of it all, I believe the good feeling of having met their grandad will overpower that of having lost him.

Again, I am very sorry and I hope all the lovely memories will help you deal with it better.

[itsw16]

Hello, I hope that this will help, I bought a children's book titled "Grandpa Went Away" by Debbie Kaplan when I was on holiday in America. It is described as "Davie learns what happens when his grandpa passes on. Our loved ones are never really far away".
ISBN 978-1-57043-342-9
Copyright (c) 2011 ECKANKAR. I will be happy to lend you my copy.

[smiley]

Badgers Parting Gifts is a beautiful book to share with a child; there's also a book called Dragonflies and Waterbugs (can't remember the exact title) which can be interpreted on many levels if you believe that heaven exists or if you don't.

A few years ago I was in the unenviable position of telling an almost 5 year old and a 1 year old that their mother had died, as their father was unable to bring himself to tell them. The situation was made worse because they had not been told about their mother's illness nor seen her dying. I am a 100% believer that honesty and seeing your ill / dying relatives does help children to understand that we don't all live forever.