Money for "me time"? Post Reply

[Piccalilli]

I may not be popular for saying this, but this type of thread really demonstrates how superficial and materialist living in NappyValley can be.

You request a £750 pm allowance from your husband. I can see why he's questioning it, as are others on this forum.

Similarly to another poster, I am a stay at home mum and both myself and my husband take an allowance from his salary to maintain our independence. We don't ask what each other spends it on and if we need more so be it. However I suspect the difference is that we take a reasonable amount each.

I see being a mum at home as a full time job. I couldn't imagine asking my husband who works from 7am to 8pm each day for an allowance for hair/coffee/nails/ gym while he is at the office. My role in our family is to manage the house and raise our children. I wouldn't have time to fit all those activities in and rightly so he'd resent it if I did.

[MoneyforMeTime]

I wouldn't have time to fit all those activities in and rightly so he'd resent it if I did.

Thank you everyone for your replies so far, it's been really really interesting.

As far as time is concerned, I'm sure that many of us have different priorities and do different things.

[supergirl]

The OP did not ask whether or not she was right to be spending on nails/gym/coffee, didnt she?
She asked how others are managing the "me" time money while not earning.

Can women stop judging each other and start supporting each other regardless?

Wishful thinking i know

[AbbevilleMummy]

I've always been financially independent so not been in your shoes, however, do you think the issue is because you didn't budget what you would need properly for these things? I would hate to actually sit down and work out how much I spend on beauty products, nails, hair, waxing, clothes etc etc per month. I imagine it is a lot more than I care to think about as all these things do add up.

They are also things that men don't need to worry about and so have no idea of the cost.

That said, they are necessary and I'm sure your husband doesn't want you to turn into a depressed, haggard-looking housewife!!

I would tot it all up and then have a frank discussion with him about it. Say they are necessary for you to look and feel good. You have to make it clear that they are not luxuries but the true cost of being a woman!!

Good luck!

[firsttimerSW11]

In my opinion you should not have to negotiate anything with your husband. I haven't read the full post but if you are a SAHM, what is his is yours. If he is not asking you for me time money, then you shouldn't be asking him.
At least that is how it works in our house and if I were in the type of marriage where I was given an allowance by my husband, suffice to say, we would not be married for long.
Marriage, especially where children are concerned and one parent is a SAHP/earns significantly less than the other, is a partnership and income belongs equally to both, irrespective who actually goes to work outside of the home and physically earns it.

[Goldhawk]

I agree that unless your husband has to account for and justify his "me time" money then you shouldn't have to either

[SW11er]

A few people on here seem to assume this is all about Control and that money is no object. I think it's important to understand if there is some financial pressure here. I know I would scrutinise things a bit more if there were financial pressures and may get stressed if my wife is spending (what I consider) excessively on herself. Equally if things were good I may be a bit more relaxed as I know how hard it is to stay at home bringing up the kids and if we could afford it I would be happy to see her spend on things that make her happy. I would trust her to be sensible (mainly because she always has been). I do know of some people that do spend excessively and I would find that difficult.

I have been in both positions at different times, so it's not black and white.

Communication is important as others have said.

[Goldhawk]

But unless the scrutiny goes both ways then it's unfair and controlling imho

[Piccalilli]

SW11er I would completely agree with you.

From a husbands perspective it's probably very stressful halving your household income.

When I gave up work my husband and I drew up two huge spreadsheets. Geeky I know. They broke down on a monthly and annual basis how we needed to budget.

Within this we both outlined what we personally needed each month including hobbies such as his bike, squash and my need to meet other mums for lunch, get my highlights done etc. That way it was all totally transparent and there's never been a discussion since.

That said, I was conscious that our income had halved and that he may be feeling a lot of pressure. I also didn't want him to feel like I was having an easy time lunching etc while he was at work.

[SW11er]

Scrutiny should go both ways especially if money is tight.

I wonder how many times people are actually in this situation though because money is tight, and both parties haven't been through the details - the husband is too macho to mention it (but tries to control it by scrutinising what the wife spends) and the wife deals with it by putting her head in the sand (and therefore doesn't want to actually scrutinize it).

I am sure every situation is different, but at least the original poster has raised it and the discussions help her see both sides. It is very difficult to give advise and judge without knowing the specific facts though.

[firsttimerSW11]

PS OP. I say good on you for getting your nails, hair done etc. I can't believe there are some people on here who don't have time for things they want to do. Does that imply that you should be glued to your children 24/7? I'd go insane. The whole "I'm a mummy now and I don't have time for frivolities (sp) such as getting my nails done/going to the gym" attitude of some mothers annoys me. Why wouldn't/shouldn't you?! I certainly do and based on the number of women who walk around Northcote road in gym attire, I imagine lots of others do too.

[Tpa]

It's very admirable for anyone to give up their other career in order to raise children and in doing so, effectively, make the world a better place. But I really believe that a good amount of "Me" money should be seen as just another cost a couple needs to take into consideration before deciding to leave a career behind. Otherwise, you will constantly be resentful- what's the point of being a SAHM if you're not happy doing it? Couples think about the cost of daycare, groceries, classes, etc, but they don't look at the cost of looking after the mom's wellbeing! And some mom's need more to feel good.
So...it seems to
Me that if the agreement between you is that it's affordable, then just do the automatic split straight into your private account and no questions. I think the worst you can do is to share it on an account where he sees every debit! Anyone is bound to question the line items, even if only out of natural curiousity, and that will make you resentful.

[Tpa]

It's very admirable for anyone to give up their other career in order to raise children and in doing so, effectively, make the world a better place. But I really believe that a good amount of "Me" money should be seen as just another cost a couple needs to take into consideration before deciding to leave a career behind. Otherwise, you will constantly be resentful- what's the point of being a SAHM if you're not happy doing it? Couples think about the cost of daycare, groceries, classes, etc, but they don't look at the cost of looking after the mom's wellbeing! And some mom's need more to feel good.
So...it seems to
Me that if the agreement between you is that it's affordable, then just do the automatic split straight into your private account and no questions. I think the worst you can do is to share it on an account where he sees every debit! Anyone is bound to question the line items, even if only out of natural curiousity, and that will make you resentful.

[Madhousemum]

If it were me, I would look at our household income, deduct all bills, food, travel to work, children's clothes and other household essentials and see what is left. Then agree to put some into savings for holidays, emergencies etc. After all the expenditure has been deducted the balance is split 50:50 or you both take an equal lesser amount to spend as you see fit.
You haven't said what your £750mth has to pay for, so it's hard to guess if this is reasonable. If all food and children's clothes etc have to come out of this then it may not go far, but if this amount is solely for you then to me this sounds quite a lot.
There may be some resentment in your case as some other posters have mentioned as to the time issue. If he is working long hours, he may question how you have time to fit in hair, nails, gym, lunches with small children. If he takes a lot of me time during the weekends, then it's fair that you have some during the week.
I think we should move away from calling this an allowance and see it more as a share of disposable income. Then the whole control issue won't exist.
A bit more detail from the OP is needed I think!