Sharing toiletries! Post Reply

[Sunshine_State]

This is hardly the world’s most taxing problem; I’m just interested in seeing what the norm is on providing/sharing toiletries with your au pair?

I always ask our au pair if she has any requests for our weekly grocery shop, and was surprised when our newest au pair asked for shower gel/shampoo/conditioner, as previous ones got their own. Not a problem though, so I got some and put them on her bathroom shelf, but three weeks later have been asked for more as ‘we’ are out of them all.

Other than that seeming a rapid rate for one person to get through three large bottles (!), I’m now feeling like a student in my own house, as I’m ‘sneaking’ my own much more expensive (and more sparingly used) organic treat stuff in and out of the bathroom. I accidentally left it by the shower the other day and she said she had used some nice shampoo but it seemed to have disappeared…

I’m fine with clarifying that, although we have a real ‘make yourself at home’ policy, I wasn’t expecting family toiletries to be part of the sharing - hence why we’d sorted separate bathroom storage for her. Given she’s au paired before though, where I guess they did all share everything, I wanted to sanity-check that I’m not being mean here?? (I’m happy to continue buying separate stuff for her).

[GABS]

I used to be an au Pair years ago and althought i was buying my own toiletries the family insisted they will bug them for me so i wont used my own money that werebt many anyway. so everytime i needed something i would put it on the weekly shopping list and They would order it for me.
Maybe tell her that you are happy to buy her the toiletries but not happy sharing your own. I m sure she will understand.
As you Said Maybe previous family was happy to share and she doesn't realise you dont like it . Remember everybody is different and everybody lives differently and as (i suppose) your aupair is Quite young she is still learning these things.
And Maybe in time you will actually like her that Much and feel part of your family that you wont mind when she is using your shampoo )
Good Luck !

[juliantenniscoach]

Personally I wouldn't be happy. I'd be direct but polite, maybe it's just a cultural misunderstanding.

[popmama]

I thought an 'au pair' was supposed to be seen as 'one of the family' or at least on a par. The money you give them is pocket money.

So when we had au pairs I always bought shower gel, shampoo, toothpaste for them just like I bought food for them. I chose the brand and explained they could buy their own if they want a special brand. Most of them were happy to use the ones we provided.

My husband and I have our own bathroom so we didn't have to share. The au pairs shared the bathroom with the children. I think being open and honest is always the best policy, if you have a problem talk to them, she may have no idea.

[Bodders1]

I agree with the previous poster that bathroom essentials would fall into category of normal family groceries so on basis that au pairs are supposed to be treated as one of the family for subsistence purposes it does not seem unreasonable to buy these for her. As has already been said - their "salary" is really a kin to pocket money which I am sure doesn't go very far here in SW London. I think if she wants more expensive branded stuff then that is a different conversation. Yes it is cheeky to use your expensive shampoo particularly if she still had some of her own left but she may not have realised how expensive it was etc and might have assumed all the family were using it. Her comment that it had "disappeared" suggests an innocence in her behaviour otherwise I doubt she would have commented on it. I would speak to her honestly and openly and see what she has to say. Her reaction will probably either reassure you she made an innocent enough mistake/misunderstood and if it doesn't then you may have a bigger trust issue on your hands.

[Beketaten]

Yes, I would expect the host family to supply essential toiletries such as shower gel, toothpaste and shampoo, the same way I would expect them to supply towels and toilet paper!

[AbbevilleMummy]

Have had au pairs and live-in nannies for years and have never bought them toiletries. Would you buy sanitary products? Sun cream? Make-up? Facial cleanser? etc.... Probably not, so why shampoo? Also, if you do go down this road then don't be surprised when some of these other items start appearing on the list.

It's never been an issue for us though as they have an en suit which we never go in so not much opportunity for sharing.

I would just say that you don't supply toiletries and last time was a one-off but probably best that she buys her own stuff from now on.

[graceygirl]

I have been an Au Pair during my time at University , and I had an en suite of my own however I was always provided with the basics ; tooth paste , shower gel , shampoo and conditioner but just the standard stuff ( £1-2.50 perhaps ) . Crikey this would cost less than £10 to put together, considering Au Pairs get way underpaid for the work they do ( usually ) I'd say this is more than fair.

A few people have spoken to me about having their first Au Pair and I've always advocated for their arrival providing a couple of towels, and these basic toiletries when they arrive as kind of a welcome set up etc which is just a nice thing to do.

Happy to answer any questions re Au Pairing etc.

[thepea]

I always buy our au pair toiletries. She's such a lovely sweet girl and does such an amazing job looking after and playing with my daughter I'm delighted to provide her with nice toiletries to make her stay with us as comfortable as possible. She's our first au pair and its been a great success, from what I hear this is not always the case. Perhaps I would feel differently if I didn't like her as much as I do, but I doubt I would have someone stay in my house if I didn't. I feel toiletries are an essential so yes, I do think its very mean not to provide these.

[rooting4tooting]

an au-pair is not the same as a nanny. the parents are essentially parentally responsible for the au-pair as well and should provide everything they need. plus paying for formal english classes, au-pair groups and only 5 requiring half days work a week

[Medway]

I am amazed at people saying that they resent buying their au pair a few basic toiletries...its just so tight!

[misstemple]

I am amazed at people saying that they resent buying their au pair a few basic toiletries...its just so tight!

I didn't read it that way, especially from the OP...
If an au pair is like "family"...well then! My own mother would have questioned me quite sternly if I was getting through toiletries at such a rate and I would have known all about it if I touched her expensive shampoo! That said, she was generous in other ways, loving, and we always had plenty.
It's a case of learning how to coexist, I think an au pair should be willing to learn life skills such as how to fit in as well as get the cultural exchange, pocket money etc.
I agree with the earlier suggestion to explain that you are more than happy to provide a basic brand of her choosing (look for 3-for-2 offers on Dove or Simple or whatever) and if there are any other products she would like, she can buy it herself.
Definitely explain each family member has their own products, and that you only share toothpaste & hand soap, for example.
I personally would never have an au pair without a second bathroom but I am quite fussy. We have 1 bathroom and when guests stay I put away everything I don't want them to touch so I can breezily say "oh just help yourself to anything if you don't have it!".
I would say be gentle but clear.
Good luck x

[Sunshine_State]

Thanks all for the input; funny how even the smallest of questions can have such varied responses .

But, misstemple, you're right; my question was more around etiquette on an au pair using our toiletries, rather than whether to provide standard separate stuff for her, which we're doing, and similarly to you, I now know why my step-mum used to mutter when I helped myself to her face cream etc on overnight stays on the grounds that I was 'family'! Think we've clarified everyone has their own products now though with a subtle chat...

Other thing I've learned from this conversation is that when I was an au pair myself - admittedly some years ago - and did 4 full days a week for no pocket money at all, and had a makeshift mattress in the attic with no door, and from memory, no hot shower, I obviously chose the wrong place ...Actually, I had a great time and didn't find any of that at all odd then, but aupairworld would frown on it now .

[Medway]

I am truly baffled by this. You have time to monitor and comment on and think about the rate your au pair uses toiletries…How big are the bottles we are we talking about here? Is she the only one using them, could hubby, kids also be using them?? And for what its worth I use a large bottle of shampoo,and at least one bottle of conditioner every 3 weeks and I have short hair (although I wash it every day)….am I that odd??

Must disengage now, but honestly, "you need to give her a reality check that money doesn't grow on trees…and (to) stop being a princess" this is one of the most patronising things I've ever read on NVN and that is saying something!