Husband won't help my sister with school fees Post Reply

[AbundantGoddess]

I think you are good to stand by your sister and do what you can to financially to support her kids if that will support their stability. Your husband needs to understand the ramifications for you, which I'm sure you have discussed, if he continues to keep his viewpoint. His views sound prehistoric, and he needs a little education on compassion and love for others, and it looks like you are the one to educate him. But this is a more biased perspective from me. If I was to be less biased, I would say it'd be useful to ask your husband if his tough upbringing made him a better person, or whether he would like that upbringing for his own kids. Sure, it's true, our experience and suffering can bring us much teaching and depth, but would we want that for those we love? And is he loves you, he has to learn to love those you love also. It sounds like he needs to get a little more in touch with his vulnerable side and understand, remind himself, what it means to feel like there's no space for feelings in life (i.e his vulnerability as a child) because you are just trying to survive and so feelings don't count. If he is capable of being tender with you then you might be able to open him up to what he's not seeing and feeling. If you want details of a good therapist that can support you through this, I can send you on details of a few in London. I'm a counsellor myself although not working now due to maternity leave, but I know a few that might be able to support you to speak to him. Ultimately, he needs to know what's on the line and that it'd be good for him to feel a little more what it's like for the other side, not everyone has the privilege of growing and thriving from difficult conditions, some end up really down and out from it, and he needs to understand the 'rank' and privilege that gives him. He also needs to understand that he's a man, and men in our society also have rank, but their job, as men are to protect and empower women and children, not the opposite. I wouldn't perhaps question his masculinity (never a good idea), but help him see what it means to really occupy that role of protector and carer, knowing that its not about winning or competing (that's distorted masculine) but about a win for everyone. Ask him, gently, what he feels he will be losing if he gives in? Ask him what values he is trying to protect so avidly? Try and listen to him and stand on his side and feel what it's like to be him. He's a man with lots of feelings that he doesn't allow to be felt. Ask him if he can for just 1 second, stand in the kids shoes and feel what it's like for them. See if that helps. If not, get couple therapy with a GOOD therapist, not one that will polarise you further. Hope some of those ideas help. All the best.

[sw18er]

Wow. That last comment above was spectacularly offensive and sexist.

[TFP]

...Ask him, gently, what he feels he will be losing if he gives in? ...

up to around half a million pretax for each of this other chap's kids who he'd be funding .

[uptheoctave]

It was rather a sexist post previously, wasn't it?

I agree with the general tone of most of the other responders here: maybe as a goodwill gesture he could pay til the end of the year, or you could work and earn some money to contribute, or he could help with solicitors fees etc, but it's a massive ask to expect him to pay for the rest of school. Although you don't say how old the children are - this is quite important to influence advice, I'd say.

Whatever happens, I hope it all works out for all of you. Good luck.

[littlebabysmummy]

You say you / your husband can afford to pay for the schooling easily - I don't know what your husband does for a living but if he works hard and comes under stress at work I can't imagine it would be easy for him to take on the commitment to pay for your sisters children's school fee. My Husband is a city banker and whilst this is a lucrative career it is full of stress and additional school fees in his case would mean delaying his retirement if that makes sense.
I don't think it is fair to ask him to take on this responsibility - it is simply too much to ask in my opinion.

[TFP]

You say you / your husband can afford to pay for the schooling easily - I don't know what your husband does for a living but if he works hard and comes under stress at work I can't imagine it would be easy for him to take on the commitment to pay for your sisters children's school fee. My Husband is a city banker and whilst this is a lucrative career it is full of stress and additional school fees in his case would mean delaying his retirement if that makes sense.
I don't think it is fair to ask him to take on this responsibility - it is simply too much to ask in my opinion.

I suppose that OP did say a couple of times that affordability wasn't an issue and this in large part does just boil down to money.

If her husband is already comfortably made for life, e.g. already has no mortgage, enough money saved to pay all his kids through school and university and i suppose buy all a starter home, plus 'pay' himself a big allowance or whatever a year for the rest of his life without working then maybe it is time to start sharing cash with other family members where there is need.

This presumably would be done in an equitable fashion (e.g. are all nephews and nieces on the husband's side being privately educated?)

But if sharing means pushing back husband's retirement date by anything more than a year or perhaps two then...

[windmill26]

Who has been paying the school fees so far? Your sister,her ex husband or both of them?

[hal]

I can't see that your husband is under any obligation to you or your sister to meet these fees, however great or generous it might be if he was willing and there genuinely was sufficient spare money to go around.

Private school is not a life-saving procedure or care for sick or elderly relative desperately in need. It's a luxury which many of us would love for our kids but would recognise is not a human right. If there is no money in your sister's separated family to pay for it, then it may unfortunately be necessary to send the kids to a state school - it doesn't mean they will fail in life somehow. The majority of my incredibly able and highly intelligent peers at university and in my law firm were from state school.

Leaving aside his willingness, is there really that much money sloshing around in your household? You say you can afford it easily but is that your husband's assessment too? I know very few super-rich who can afford to give away £100k pre tax a year without it affecting their life in the short or long term somehow. Unless you have no mortgage, have tons of additional cash to live on and can meet your own family's long term obligations with what you have already, what you're asking will require either your husband to keep working longer or for your family to take on additional risk. Great if you both agree it is the right thing to do but not something that one of you can unilaterally decide to impose on the other. Presumably if he is very successful and can afford that kind of additional expenditure he is working in a high stress environment. Either way, it's a massive burden on him (and, from the sounds of it, him alone); ask yourself whether you would agree to continue working for several additional years to pay for your husband's family if the situation was to be reversed.

I agree any money is family/joint money but in that vein, no one should make massive commitments of family money without the consent of the family. That cuts both ways.

It's concerning that, without your sister having even asked or articulated a deside that you pay her school fees, you believe that you believe it would damage what you otherwise describe as a happy marriage to a lovely man who has enabled you not to have to work; or that it would wreck a close relationship with your sister. Surely it would be the opposite - if you and your sister are truly so close, you would be able to discuss this, and she would be sympathetic to your position and know intuitively you would help if it was not somehow an issue.

[Seriously?]

This is a big no no. From what you have said, it basically boils down to your sister not being able to afford to send her kids private in the divorced set up. It doesn't sound like a temporary cash flow problem, and therefore you would be effectively propping her up to live beyond her means. I am with your husband on this one. I'm sorry, but your sister needs to accept the hand she has been dealt and realise that her means no longer extend to private schools. If that presents an issue, then it is up to her to find the means not rely on your hand outs.

If you were to give her any money, then every new pair of shoes she buys and every holiday her family go on, you will be questioning as in the back of your mind was that a necessary purchase and should she be buying such things when you are propping her up? This will eat away at your relationship with her more than you realise and probably ruin your marriage. Its just not worth it.

[AbbevilleMummy]

I have to agree with the previous poster. It is not about whether or not you/your husband can afford it, it is more about your sister no longer being able to afford the lifestyle she would like and I'm afraid that is not anyone's problem but her own and only she can address it. To do otherwise is not a workable long term solution for anyone involved.

[papinian]

I'm a bit surprised by some of what the original poster says.

First, it doesn't seem that there is any contemplation that state schooling might be an acceptable alternative to independent schooling. If we were told that there are no good state school options accessible that might make us more sympathetic. Similarly, if we were told one of the children is in year 9 or 10 and just has two/three and a half more years to go and they don't want to move him/her I think we would have more sympathy.

Secondly, if the original poster's (soon to be ex-)brother-in-law cannot afford the school fees now then how did her sister and brother pay them previously. People's income doesn't vanish just because they separate/divorce. The costs do go up if two separate households are being maintained but for a family that is already financially able to pay two sets of independent school fees the cost of a father moving out and renting a one bed flat shouldn't result in a cost equivalent to two full sets of independent school fees. Would the original poster's sister and brother-in-law have been able to keep paying the school fees if they had stayed together? For me at least, something doesn't add up here.

[HelpPlease]

Thank you to everyone who has replied, this has been very helpful.

I wanted to answer a couple of the questions raised.

I think your intentions are lovely but to be frank you seem to be underestimating what a massive "ask" this is.

I know it is a massive ask but we can afford it. If it was in the slightest part a constraint on our finances I wouldn't be contemplating this.

cannot afford the school fees now then how did her sister and brother pay them previously. People's income doesn't vanish just because they separate/divorce.

They just managed to pay them but it was a struggle. Running two homes will make it impossible.

Thank you again.

[Mum2Monkey]

So my kids go to a state school as, in part, I was reluctant to send them to a private school when I was insufficiently sure about my future income stream to commit......

That aside, I disagree with other posters. My sister split up from her partner and wanted me to buy a house for her and her kids that she would pay some sort of rent towards. We could afford it but my husband was against it. Instead, I helped he to get a new build housing association house which is lovely and she is happy in. But I felt very resentful towards my husband and I wanted to help her, because she was my sister and I could. Most of this was me feeling like I should help her, she wasn't expecting it, but I wanted to help as she was my sister. In my case, I may well done it anyway and accepted the wrath of my husband because if he loves me then he accepts me and part of me is how I feel about family.

Luckily we sorted something else out and I have to say I am relieved not to have bought the house as I think it would have changed the dynamic between my si and me, as well as my husband and me, forever.

But in your position, if nothing else can be arranged, I would probably pay because it would mean so much to her. And she is your sister.

[Confus_ed]

I think the basic issue is being lost because of it being private school fees that are at issue which is always controversial. Look back at the original post - she's not saying private schools are better or that a state wouldn't be good. Nor is it about needing a certain standard of living. She's worried about the effect moving schools and leaving friends behind will have on the kids when it is happening at the same time as a huge upheaval in their home lives. Not an unreasonable or unrealistic concern.

Prep school fees are about £18k per year per child. If the poster's husband is earning 500k a year (salaries that hugh or higher are not unheard of around here) then paying fees for his sister in laws kids would mean giving about 7% of his annual salary.

It's entirely relative - if her husband's salary is that high then it isn't a huge amount.

If it were my sister I'd also feel a desire to help. We are fortunate enough to be in a position where we could do it without having to make any sacrifices and I know my husband wouldn't object.

Could you suggest offering a year's fees for now so that any move can happen a while after the split once the kids home life is less uncertain? This would also have the advantage of preserving your sister's position in any financial proceedings on divorce.

[hal]

Prep school fees are about £18k per year per child. If the poster's husband is earning 500k a year (salaries that hugh or higher are not unheard of around here) then paying fees for his sister in laws kids would mean giving about 7% of his annual salary.

Not quite. £36k net in annual school fees is somewhere around £65k in pre-tax earnings, which would be closer to 13% of those earnings - almost double. Add in a mortgage and other expenses (again out of net available cash) and the ask is a still a big one. It's £325k over 5 years.