Husband won't help my sister with school fees Post Reply

[Bodders1]

I have a huge amount of sympathy with the OP and her sister. As the OP said in her original post the desire to keep the children in their school is to provide some continuity for them at an extremely difficult time - this is not about about state v private - it just so happens they are in a private school but it sounds like the overriding thing here is trying to keep them in the environment they know, with their friends and teachers through a time when the rest of their world might be crumbling. It must be heart breaking in a divorce situation to inflict changing schools on your kids at the same time as everything else. The OP doesn't say how long her sister would need help for - as others have said perhaps there is way to compromise - to help for 6 months or even a couple of years whilst she sorts things out with her ex and her own financial situation.

[hellokittyerw]

HelpPlease - I think your intentions are really nice, however I feel you are approaching this in a way that is not fair to your husband.

Why don't you discuss with your husband what you are both happy to do to help your sister?
It may be that he is happy for you to pay for next year's fees - which I agree would be very good for the children as they will at least have something constant in their lives.
You may also decide that you are happy to contribute something every month towards their education (and maybe save on something else - clothes, going out, hairdresser, etc).

Also, how sure are you that your husband can easily afford 65k a year (pretax), every year for however many years they have left (you don't mention)??? It's a huge commitment, and even if he earns a lot of money it still means he may have to retire later, or not afford the car he wants, etc. And what happens if he loses his job or his earnings drop (as there is at the moment quite a lot of economic uncertainty)?

Finally, as soon as you both decide what you can help with, I would have a conversation with your sister, so she knows what financial help she can expect from you. This may make her look push for a better divorce settlement with her ex, or start looking into decent state school options, or start planning her finances so she can do state primary school and secondary private school.

I cant see why this would change your relationship with her, you'd still be there for her when she needs you, you just can't be her cashpoint too... Maybe the idea that you not paying the school fees would ruin the relationship is just in your head?

Best of luck, I am sure you can find a compromise with your husband.

[AbbevilleMummy]

I think the concern for me if I was in your husband's shoes is the long-term dependency.

In effect, the responsibility for the children's long term stability (educationally) would sit with your husband. If, for whatever reason, he felt he would no longer be in a position to pay the fees somewhere down the line, then he would end up being the cause of destabilsing the children, when in fact, it was their parents divorce that did that years before.

Asking anyone, even grandparents, to take responsibility for the education of your children is a massive undertaking and should not be taken lightly.

What if you were to help in another way which would enable her to pay the fees herself? Could you perhaps help buy her house? Her car? Something that wasn't as emotionally driven as her children's education?

[evieandrose]

I've read through all the replies, and here's my view.

1) This is clearly NOT a debate about state vs private education. It's about the OP's wish to keep her sister's children in their school, where they are happy, amidst the unsettling time they are facing and to give them stability at school, with their friends.

2) I agree it is not the OP's 'right' to demand her husband pays the fees, but as husband and wife, joint decisions about how to spend money should be made. I'd be very interested to know how people would feel if they OP (a woman), earnt all the money, her husband didn't work, and he didn't want to pay fees?

3) Helping out families is what families do (or should do). I think it's quite appalling that so many of you think the OP is out of order for considering helping her sister. Of course it is a HUGE financial responsibility, but she said they could afford it. If we were in a similar position, I would absolutely be considering the same. Interestingly, I asked my husband, who is the main breadwinner in our family, and he was absolutely of the view that we would help our siblings in a similar situation if we could.

Anyway, I could go on, but I don't think your husband is right to dismiss it out of hand. You need to have a long discussion, and think about the repercussions for both scenarios. I do have some sympathy with your husband also, because as others have said, it is a lot of money, but what's more important, your nieces and nephews happiness at a time where their world is being turned upside down, or being able to retire early or go on a few nice holidays?! Really?! I will also say that I believe moving schools is a huge disruption for a child, never mind about when it's happening at a time when things are bad at home. I went to 4 different primary schools as a child, and it was awful- it massively affected my education and confidence.

Good luck, I hope you resolve this, and well done for being such a considerate sister!

[trilangue]

I totaly understand your wanting to help your sister, but the children's father is ultimately responsible for providing for his children, whether he accepts it or not. Also, if the financial situation is not good, why are they in a private school in the first place? At the end of the day, it's never a good idea to have financial dealings with family...it's a sure recipe for family break-ups.

[Clare_f]

Could you offer a payment plan+contribution? She can presumably afford part of the school fees If they've been able to stretch to the whole lot.

Let's say she can afford 20%. You gift a percentage, let's say 25%, then she borrows the 55%. This is then repaid over a longer period of time. Your sister might want to take this offer up for a year or until they finish st their school and then transfer them into the state sector for secondary school. She then continues to pay off the money borrowed.

Circumstances can change, even those of multi millionaires. What would happen if you and your husband lost all your money and you'd paid the school fees? I'd imagine that would cause huge resentment.

What job do you have? How much can you contribute?

[Uphill]

I think we need to take the OP at her word that they can afford it. Although the cost of private school makes it unattainable for most, for some it's something that is readily affordable. A six figure gift to these families may well have the same impact in terms of relationships any family dynamics as £500 to others.

It really is about principles and values, as well as some important practical financial ramifications.

Here's my two pence:
1. Personally I feel that unless it's a matter of life or death (or serious risk to life or wellbeing) - money and extended family do not mix. In my experience family loans/ gifts almost always end up with unforeseen negative consequences.

2. I believe reliance on a well off family member discourages people from sorting out the core of their problem, which is often, even if not immediately in their own power to change. I suspect that if your sister wanted to keep the kids in private school, she'd find a way.

3. Again, from observing others' experiences it is crucial that your sister fights hard for the best possible divorce settlement. Your interference is likely to muddy the waters and could turn out to make things worse for your sister and the kids in the long term.

4. Your sister will always be your sister. If you have the kind of bond you describe, I bet you will get through this and in hindsight it will seem like just another hurdle on life's path.

5. My parents (who had a long and happy marriage) always said that if they couldn't both agree, the default was the status quo (i.e. Not do the thing that provoked the contention.) I personally think this is very wise, particularly in your situation - as once you commit the cash, you are essentially accountable for what transpires (and there is a good chance there will be unforeseen negative consequences), whereas if you kindly leave others to fight their own battles, firstly, they may remedy them themselves and secondly you are still in a position to potentially help if circumstances worsten to an extent that a different decision becomes the obvious one.

In essence, I think what I am trying to say is be careful of interfering. Your marriage may not be the only casualty.

[HelpPlease]

Thank you to everyone who replied - your answers have really helped me organise my thoughts.

I'm going to sit down and talk through the problem with my DH later this week.

We've spoken before at length but I've been trying to persuade him to my side of the argument without me properly explaining the feelings behind the discussions. I can now see that these are as important.

Thank you again.