Husband has no friends - help Post Reply

[WorriedWifey]

Hello
I have a situation which has been worrying me for a while and I wonder if anyone can help with any insight or experience.

My husband has no friends and I think he's lonely.

It's not that he would appear lonely to anyone else. He has a great career and is a great father but he has no male friends at all.

Any socialising he does is around work and at weekends we go out for dinner and he spends time with the family. I'm not actually complaining, it works well and we're happily married, but I do think he is missing out.

This came to a head recently as a couple of things have happened. His 40th is coming up and I suggested a party. He said no I said yes and we went backwards and forwards until he said the real reason was he had no one to invite. We talked about it and he was right, no school friends, no neighbours, absolutely no-one which wouldn't feel like a work conference!

The second incident Is that I'm off on a girls weekend and suggested he do the same (different weekend obviously) and he said he had no one to go with.

Is this normal? I know men put careers first but on my own side of the family all the men had friends and played sport and went out with friends who weren't just from work.

Any insight appreciated

[2009Kat]

I honestly wouldn't worry about it unless HE is unhappy with the situation. You think he is lonely, does he? My husband has few friends but he is happy, he doesn't have the need for social interaction that I do. I want to go out, he isn't bothered. He's also knackered after working hard. Sometimes I think we women overthink things.

[juliantenniscoach]

He probably has friends but not those he considers close. You say you're happy, he's happy at home and a great dad? Healthy? If yes then you're all good. Without getting too cliched about it, there is some truth to the 'Men are from Mars........'.

I'm a firm believer in the idea that women (this is a HUGE generalisation!) see their male partners as a "work in progress". Trouble is, once that project is complete, you're no longer attracted to them

Unless there are warning signs, don't make him a clone, it will end in tears. Good luck!

[juliantenniscoach]

@ 2009Kat. I would have put a lot of money on that being my wife's post

[parsleysong]

I also wouldn't worry unless you think it is a symptom of him being unhappy. Perhaps he is just less of an extrovert than you and prefers hanging out at home when he's not working. My husband spends so much time at work and work-related events that he isn't very interested in socialising at the weekend or making new friends. Sometimes it drives me nuts because I'd quite like him out and some alone time of my own in the house, but that is just what he prefers .

[kindfacilitator]

The cricket community could be a solution.Fresh air, great locations and good healthy banter over a pint and sometimes a curry.

Volunteering and engaging with others helping single parent folk with kids is another.

[themotherofdragons]

I could have written your post WorriedWifey. I also worry about my husband having no friends at all. He is a really nice man, caring, loyal and laid back but he has noone to go out with for a beer or do something together at weekends. He grew up in a lovely but small town outside London where he had a lot of friends, then had a flat in London during the week and a house (girlfriend) there for the weekends. When we got together, he moved to London but, as someone pointed out, it's extremely hard to make new friends in mid / late 30s. He is also not into football which seems to be the easiest way for men to socialise and bond. Plus he works stupidly long hours and his team at work are very young - he is the big boss and much older, with family and kids - not much in common with his work colleagues in his 20s and early 30s who also don't want to act stupid or relax too much in front of the boss. It makes me feel bad because I have more people around me, but, being a stay at home mum, it's easier to meet people. Saying this... I also struggle. I've moved around, lived in different countries and places in my 20s, made friends with a lot of foreign or British people who then just moved out of London. And then had to start all over again... It gets so much harder as I get older. I always made friends very easily and I'm very social but I find that, once you get to your 40s, people's lives are so full with family, old friends etc... that there is no room in their lives for new close friendships. I think people like me and I have some lovely conversations, playdates, meetings with other mums, but - once we get to weekends, there is no room for us and everyone is busy with other people, which would be a perfect opportunity to introduce my husband to other dads. It's hard. Is it my misguided impression or is it much harder in London? I think there is also a lot of pressure seeing people who seemingly always socialise and have a whale of a time. Perhaps sometimes we feel lonely not because we are actually lonely but because we compare our lives to other people's lives. Plus - and I'm talking from personal experience - the greatest loneliness is when we are in the wrong relationship.

[kindfacilitator]

Happy to organise a mens breakfast northcote road. Early Saturday morning. A chance to share chill and engage.
Could be powerful and life changing. We all need community.

[gemima]

My husband has/i] friends but for some reason never phones any of them and then wonders why he never sees them. I tell him this, he agrees, and then does nothing about it.

[Flowermummy]

themotherofdragons, I think you are absolutely right, it’s quite hard to make new good friends as you get older – I would say mainly because people with families have very little time to make new friends (though it can happen, for example with families you meet at your childrens’ schools, as you end up going to the same children's parties, school events, etc).
But I wonder, is this something your husbands want, or just something you think they want?
Both my husband and I work full time, so in the evenings and at weekends we are really only interested in spending time with our children and each other. Many times we actively try to get out of seeing family or events with friends…
I imagine if you stay at home you may feel differently, as you have the children all the time. Maybe your husbands are not that interested in making new friends and much prefer quality time with the family?

[themotherofdragons]

No, he gets frustrated about it Flowermummy. He is also very social and loves entertaining, is happy to do all the hard work, hosting and so on, but we seem to have a lot of friendly acquaintances but no close friends. Every time we try to take things to the next level, invite people round or suggest doing something together with the kids on Saturday or Sunday, everyone is too busy. It's so easy to get paranoid and start thinking that there is something wrong with us but then, we never had these problems when we were younger and before we had kids. We are both new to Clapham (moved here a few years ago) so it was a new and exiting start for us but we didn't expect it to be this hard to make new friends...

[themotherofdragons]

ps. I should probably point out here that our children are not monsters and have friends so highly unlikely they put people off!

[firsttimerSW11]

I think a lot of men are like this though. It's whether they're bothered by it that is the question. My husband's school and uni friends mainly live out of London and he has 2 or 3 friends in London but that's about it. Mind you, he doesn't really care, he works long hours and is happy seeing friends only occasionally and generally when I organise something.

He gets on well with some of my friends' husbands, would that route be an avenue to explore? And I have made some nice mum friends since I had my little ones, and my husband has gotten to know some of the dads also, and we've gone out to dinner etc together on occasion. What about parents of the kids' school friends? A lot of the Northcote Road crowd that have met at HW and BV schools all hang out together, holiday together etc.

I have also found from doing activities on weekends with the children - ballet, playball etc - that it's often the dads that take the kids and perhaps he could do that and start talking to other dads?

Finally I know from the St Mark's playgroup on Battersea rise that they run a Men Behaving Dadly on the first Saturday of every month. I don't think it's godly, per se. Might be worth checking out. http://www.smbr.org.uk/Groups/253698/MBD.aspx

[HikingGirl]

My husband could have written this post about me . I often do feel lonely, and just don't have enough friends. Acquaintances plenty. I moved to the UK 12! years ago and you would think in 12 years you manage to make some friends. I did think it was me, but I think it's just more that people's lives are too full. I am also not into a lot of the things other women do. E.g. you suggest football and pint, but that may well not be his thing. At home I have a lot of male friends too, but that seems rather impossible in the UK.

That said, it took me ages to find 'my kind of people' in my own country too. Haven't found them yet here. My husband resorted to organising my social life: inviting work colleagues with their wives, organising parties with people from my sons school and so on. It didn't really work, as of course he couldn't really select who would like me. So no point going that route.

Recently I told a friend/acquaintance that I love camping but my husband hates it so I really miss it. Just go with a group of friends she said...I had no idea how to answer that. I don't know anyone who I could ask. That just sounded too sad to be true. She herself is from my country and has lived here for 12 years and has heaps of friends: running friends, a book club, coffee morning friends, annual Caribbean holiday friends and friends from back home that use her house to explore the UK from. I don't have any of those. Even though I do have friends back home, I go and visit them but - regardless of how many times I invite them - they are too busy to come and visit me. Didn't want this to sound like a long litany of complaints. Sorry.

I have now just accepted I have to learn to be happy on my own. I have stopped always organising BBQs, movie nights, inviting people over to an evening at the theatre (gosh I accidentally have 2 tickets), and joining clubs to meet people. It just hasn't worked for me. I meet lots of nice people through work (I work part-time), and go to coffee mornings with the other mums, and have a chat with other people at the yard where my horse is. But that's just it. And stopping to care sort of worked. But...was asked to do more at scouts, perhaps that's a way to more friendships. Am going to try again...I did join the organising committee for their fundraising last year and that didn't really work, but will keep on trying.

It's just not easy to make friends this age. Thanks for letting me know.

[StormontRoad]

This is an unusually honest and terribly sad thread. There's a lot of lonely people out there, and London is pretty damn cruel. We're all so busy being busy and pretending that life is fabulous, but you can find yourself very isolated, particularly if you have no family nearby. I see more of my friends in the States and Ireland than I do those in London...