Is it me? Post Reply

[bumpontheway]

Hello

I would like to ask a question and to get different people's views.
I am 39 years old and left London a few years ago. In that time we have moved 3 times in 3 years. It's been an unsettling old time.
We were at one school for 18 months and then chose to move schools. I am still friendly with 2 of the mums from that school (1 of them has also now left that school).

We still get together for coffee and lunch etc. We used to go out in the evening, however not so much recently they live closer together, whereas I am about 30/40 mins away.
Each time I see them for coffee they always mention a night out they have just had but they don't invite me! Starting to get slightly over it and so I don't bother that much anymore, but they always contact me and we do coffee but I always come away feeling crap again as they are pretty cliquey.

My mother has been diagnosed with an incurable illness and has a limited time, I spend a lot of time visiting her but share that time with siblings.

I can't work out if I am being super sensitive because of everything going on or they are just damn right rude for always just mentioning the latest night out? To be frank it's the first time in my life where I feel a bit lost with everything and nothing seems to make sense.

Thanks in advance.

[tooposhtopush]

Hi
I think you're probably just being sensitive.

I've always felt that it's quite incredible how much friendship is based on where we live/schools/jobs and once those touch points disappear how the friendship can also disappear. Not always but often. We do sometimes like to feel that our relationships are different or special but often it's just chance or serendipitous.

I think you've done incredibly well to stay friends for so long - I'd celebrate that as opposed to worry that you're missing out.

Hope this helps

[bumpontheway]

Thank you too posh too push and for being sensitive , hopefully everything in my mind will settle down and maybe it's just time to take a bigger step away as I have enough going on .
Xx

[misstemple]

If I was in your position, I would directly say "oh that sounds like a great night! I would love to come along next time, call me & I'll be there!"
It could be they don't invite you because they think it's not your thing.
Don't doubt yourself or feel rubbish. Life is too short!

I think it's hard to move, I would really struggle starting over but even with friends nearby sometimes everyone is pretty useless at getting a nice gang together!

When I feel like my social life isn't up to much or I get frustrated trying to make dates with friends, I just book myself into a play, walking tour, class, workshop, etc and go alone. I meet lots of interesting people this way. Yes it takes confidence, but when people ask what I've been up to, I always have an interesting story and I often get asked to invite them next time!

Sorry if I've missed the mark, but what you posted really chimed with me leading back over 10 years... it's true that I am also a sensitive sort.

[mollys]

Poor you - it sounds like you're having a tough time
But I reckon there's no way they're deliberately leaving you out, otherwise they'd never mention the nights out in front of you and probably wouldn't bother with coffee either - so just elk them how you're feeling and that you'd love to come along.
I'm definitely guilty of not asking friends to things because I assume they don't want to come and I suspect they just think it must be too far for you!
X

[firsttimerSW11]

It could also be the case that they still see each other regularly as part of day to day life, at school drop off etc. and they plan nights out then and it's a case of whoever was there at the time goes along rather than arranging something and choosing a select few to invite. But as one person said above, definitely worth saying that you'd love to go next time they're catching up, you miss them all etc.

[IrenaP]

This might be the dissenting opinion but the feeling you are getting does remind me of that feeling you get when you are the third wheel. We might be circa 40 but I find that some woman can be more cliquey than others and it's hard to feel that you are part of the group. It might seem teenage like but some people are just like that. My best friend's sister would say 'don't waste your time on bad friends' and I kind of think this might be true with your situation. Have you thought about trying a new class or joining a 'meetup' group to meet new people close to you? I know it's not a great time but there are lovely people out there who you might feel that connection with.