Would you take a job if you knew you were pregnant with #2? Post Reply

[NvnAnon]

OK, so the title kind of says it all, but here's the scenario:

1) I have a 2.5 year old who will start nursery in September (5 mornings per week)
2) The job is BIG - running a department across Europe, lots of travel, 50+ hours per week with a commute (2 hours total per day)
3) Husband has a fairly big job as well but is v unhappy there and stressed about money

I just found out I'm pregnant with my 2nd but it's VERY early and given my age, probably only a 50/50 chance that it'll stick, if that. I know legally I don't have to say anything but I'm super conflicted.

Do I accept the role and just see what happens? Tell them once I'm out of the first trimester? How do you hide it when it seems like a culture of people who like to drink?

Any ladies go back to big jobs after the second baby? If I take 3 months off will I want to go back? If I know now that I don't want to go back, is it fair to take the role?

My husband is stressed about money and clearly thinks I should take it as we are getting on in our years and he fears that our earning potential won't always be as high as it is now. But my worry is that new job + pregnancy + parenting (DH isn't super helpful) will not be good for the marriage or for me...

OK sorry for rambling but I'm so conflicted over what to do.

[tooposhtopush]

Congratulations on both your pregnancy and new role.

I think there are couple of issues here.

Firstly, I am a great believer that we can do anything. So if you want this job and you feel it's great then go for it.

However I am also a great believer in we all need support.

So if your husband is stressed about money and wants you to take this job then I suggest you sit him down and explain you'll need support. I'd then actually draw up a list of what you expect him to do and run through it with him All blokes will say "they'll help" but what you need is "I need you to pick up three evenings a week and for it to be his problem if he can't" type buy in.

One other thing - how long have you been in your old role? If you have built up a lot of legal protection might be worth bearing in mind...

[cyprus19]

You don't say if this is an internal move or not. However you should be aware that I'm in a tricky predicament with my housekeeper who is pregnant. Because she was pregnant before she started working for us (she had no idea) she is not entitled to government maternity pay and be maternity rights situation is complicated. All of which is really difficult for both of us as we have known her on and off for a long time.

So if this is an external move don't take it unless you fully understand your rights.

[Babber]

I agree with cyprus19. You need to really understand your legal options. I have a few other thoughts too:

1. PAY: If it is an external move, bear in mind that if your new company provides statutory and ordinary mat leave pay (meaning, you get your normal salary for a specific amount of time like 6 months, after which you get statutory mat leave pay, which is quite little), you often need to be an employee at the company for a minimum amount of time like 2 years. So if you do take the job, then you could be looking at mat leave with little pay, which doesn't do anything to solve your potential money woes.

2. MIND: I don't know about you, but if I took a new external job without telling them I am pregnant, it would eat me up and cause my undue stress. You want to enjoy your pregnancy, not always be worried that it will cause an issue down the line. You would likely be trying to hide your figure until you pass the 3 month mark and that's no way to live. You also start to show earlier with your second baby. If you really want the job, you should have a very frank discussion with your new potential employer. Tell them you are VERY early on in your pregnancy but that you want the job....and then see how it goes. Either way, they will appreciate your candour. If they don't want you because if this well, you don't want to work there anyway, right? And the decision is made for you.

3. NEW COLLEAGUES: if you take the job and don't say anything, then your new employer will look to hire someone to fill your space during your mat leave. This could breed ill will and sometimes resentment in your new team. Don't start your new job on the wrong foot and be open and honest with everyone.....no one can fault you for being honest and telling it like it is.

4. WILL YOU WANT TO RETURN TO WORK AFTER NUMBER 2: Well, probably not, because it is hard and you love your kids. But it sounds like money doesn't give you that option to stay home, does it? The good thing about taking the new job is that you will have money for nannies or child care help when you are travelling, which is especially helpful if your husband is not super helpful.

My bottom line is: if you want the new job, then great! Tell your potential employer that you are very early in your pregnancy but you are very excited for the new role. If they have an issue about it, your decision is made for you. I just wouldn't start off this new job without disclosing your pregnancy. I know you don't legally have to say anything at this point but sometimes it is better to clear the air. It will make you feel better. Good luck!

[foodeditorjo]

You have to tell them surely? Otherwise you're not being honest. I certainly wouldn't want to hire someone who kept something like that from me! If they want you badly enough it won't be an issue but then again, particularly for small companies, maternity leave can be.

[southoftheriver]

I would encourage you to take the job. Im sure you will make it work somehow - likely with increased childcare support. Your husband will also have to support more - but he cant have it both ways - a wife with a big job and less responsibility at home.

Tell your employer, but only after you have a written contract in your hands.

[foodeditorjo]

Surely she should tell her employer BEFORE she has a written contract in her hands? I would think very badly of someone who deliberately withheld potentially deal-breaking info before signing a contract. Honesty and openness must be the best way forward if she's to have a good reputation with her employers...

[tooposhtopush]

I think this is an enlightening example of how much harder it is for women than men.

I don't mean to bang the feminist drum but we have a situation where you've been offered a great job and you sound like you want the money/new role. But because of all the perceived baggage around working mums you are dealing with an extra layer of stress.

I am tempted to say just take it and let your new employers deal with it as they have to by law but I know the real world isn't like that.

Good luck whatever happens.

[southoftheriver]

Surely she should tell her employer BEFORE she has a written contract in her hands? I would think very badly of someone who deliberately withheld potentially deal-breaking info before signing a contract. Honesty and openness must be the best way forward if she's to have a good reputation with her employers...

If she tells her employer before she gets a written contract in her hands ... she may find that she doesn't end up with a written contract in her hands

In the real world, integrity doesn't isn't always exhibited from the employer side

[AbbevilleMummy]

I wouldn't think about it from a 'what's fair' perspective. Just what is right for you.

If it's a new job within the same company I would take it without a second thought. Better job, better money, career progression etc would mean that it's right for you right now. You don't know what's round the corner so jump at every opportunity.

However, if it's a new job in new company then I wouldn't take it. That is simply because of your reduced mat leave rights and the difficulty of returning to a new company after mat leave when you hadn't been there very long.

[Cleo1980]

Yes, absolutely. They want to hire you because you are talented and right for the job. To drop you because you are pregnant is immoral. If it's a medium to large business and this is a big role as you say, then they will manage without you whilst you are on maternity leave and you'll probably have to compromise, for example they might prefer you to take less mat leave (I took 6 months instead of 9 because I was in a new company- I didn't know I was pregnant when I accepted the offer but by the time I started, a month later, I found out I was - I didn't say anything until 3 months because I had a miscarriage before and had no idea if I would carry through to full term so did not see the point in bringing it up until I was almost sure I would have a baby-but I knew my boss from a previous roll which helped and I was very open and honest with him and we decided that we could both accept 6 months). You can't reject the job now based on how you will feel once you have number 2 because you don't know how you'll feel. If you love the job, you'll stay. If not, you'll go. That's it. I agree with whoever said, get the contract and then tell them or even play it by ear and tell them when you are ready. If you have a great relationship with your employer tell them sooner rather than later. If not, get to know them a bit better, knock their socks off with your work and then tell them. All this boils down to is whether you want the job. If you are just taking it because your husband wants you to, then you are not going to make it, stay where you are, where people know and like you. If you take on this new role, you are going to have to put some serious effort in, as you have to prove yourself which will be tiring with the pregnancy but if you love the job, you will do it and soon this dilemma will be in the past. The question is whether you really, really want this job. If your pregnany is justification not to take it, then you don't really want it. It's your right to get pregnant- you don't need to tell your future employer anything now! But be honest at the appropriate time. We always expect the worst from employers but they are also human and if you've worked hard, made an impact and are genuinely nice then most employers accept it and absorb it because they want you back. It's just a few months after all. I understand the point of small companies and yes if you are going to a very small company that will suffer if you go off on Mat leave, then yes, you should be honest from the start. I think if you want it, go for it and then deal with the consequences.

[janee]

"To drop you because you are pregnant is immoral." I also think it is immoral to accept a job when you have not disclosed information which is relevant - like the fact that you will be needing time off in order to have a baby! Would you be expecting potential colleagues to be covering some of your work for you?

[Mum2Monkey]

I took a new senior level job away from home after I returned from work with my second. I thought I wanted to progress, that work defined who I was and that money was important and that by having a nanny, house keeper, odd jobs man it would all work out.

What I didn't back on was just how much more my second seemed to need me than my first and just how much more full on being a mum becomes when they start school. Suddenly there is more to do and my son suddenly started noticing when we sent the nanny along. So I quit to take up a more junior role that pays a quarter as much (and I was the higher earner too). Yes, my husband has had to change his retirement planning but it is amazing how much money you can save if you need to each month and we are far happier. Yes, less fancy holidays and more picnics than fancy restaurants but a far less stressed mother and two happier kids.

Qyite likely I will head back into the corporate world when we have secondary school fees to pay but for now we are happier. If you had told me that I would be writing this 9 months ago I would have told you that you were mad. I didn't realise how much a second child and one at school would change me and how I would feel so differently after the birth of my second.

Also, I should say that it was really hard to start a senior role straight back from mat leave as I really wanted to make a good impression and so tried extra hard. With hindsight, i wish I had stayed in my old role as I would have been able to coast a little.

Just my experience and everyone is different. I think there is no right or wrong. However, if family is important to you and they withdraw the job because you are pregnant then maybe that is a lucky escape?

[abfab]

First of all, congratulations on the job and the pregnancy!

I am a bit gobsmacked at the posters saying you have any moral obligation to tell your new employer about your pregnancy before you are offered or accept the job. You absolutely do not, even if you weren't worried that you may miscarry, which would be a very personal loss which you might not want to share with new colleagues.

It is morally and legally wrong for your pregnancy to be a 'deal-breaker', as one poster put it, and it is because of attitudes like this that you would be sensible not to mention it until you have accepted in writing. Do not feel guilty about this, or about being pregnant or taking maternity leave. You are not doing anything wrong, but if you spend the next year apologising, you will be reinforcing the views expressed on this thread that you are.

In terms of practicalities, whatever else you do, I would sit down and discuss the support you will need when the baby comes with your husband - this might mean your husband taking more responsibility (e.g. could he take shared parental leave if you only want a short time off?) or increased practical help at home. Whether or not you take the new role, it sounds like you already have a big job, and you will only be busier if you add the logistics of nursery plus an extra child into the mix. I have older children, and over the years I have seen this issue, and the resentment it causes, break more marriages than infidelity or money worries. Put your own oxygen mask on first and good luck!

[millymoo]

Agree with Abfab, you absolutely don't have a legal or moral obligation to disclose your physical status prior to receiving an offer of employment unless your role involves some sort of manual labour in which case there are accommodations that your employer would have to make to ensure that you could carry out your job effectively. One of my best friends got a great new job while she was pregnant and a colleague just left to start a new job externally for 2 just weeks before going off to have a baby (she did not get maternity pay but the company was so thrilled to have her they gave her a signing on bonus equivalent to 6 months pay) so it is heartening to hear that many companies now are being more open minded when it comes to hiring women at all stages of their lives and career development.

Are some of the earlier posters suggesting that women in their mid-30s should also be discounted from seeking new opportunities on the premise that they might be taking time off at some point in the future to have a family? I thought the readers of NappyValleyNet were more enlightened than that!

If it is something you want to do then you should give it a go. You won't know how it will work until you try. It sounds as though you have sensibly thought through the support element. Best of luck with whatever you decide and keep us posted!