Mother slapping her child Post Reply

[mwamwa]

I walk my dog on Tooting Common every morning and walked close to an incident with a mother and her two children which every morning since has worried me and I'm not sure whether I should have acted upon it.
The Friday before last I walked near to a Broomwood Hall mother walking to school with her daughter and younger son on bikes. An incident had just happened which I didn't witness (clearly something to do with the daughter doing something to the younger brother). The mother then ran up to her daughter yelling at her - and when I say yelling she shouted at her so loudly that her voice was almost hoarse. The little boy was crying but not uncontrollably and clearly was not in pain from whatever his sister had done but became more distraught as the mother shouted. The mother then grabbed the daughter by her shoulders and smacked her so hard on the bottom saying the most terrible things to her such as "I'm going to wallop you so hard".... "I'm going to tell Mrs.....(teacher) what a horrible child you are"....."You are a nasty, horrible child" .....She went on and on and the yelling was unbelievably awful. It was a beautifully sunny morning around 8.30 and another man and his dog were near to me and we both just stood there aghast.
Yes, of course we've all shouted at our children but this was so so public and so unnecessary and if you are that lady please, please count to 5 next time and please don't 'wallop' your child like that again.

[GWcouns]

I'm not defending the mother here but.... it really does sound like you witnessed something horrible, and it will not have done anything for that childs esteem/confidence, which in turn will not help her behaviour, and so the circle goes round and round. But what I will say is that maybe whatever the daughter had done was the straw that broke the camel's back, and that the camel (the mother) sounds like she is in a fairly fragile state. If we are feeling ok with life, no depression etc, then things like kids driving us up the wall (which they all do from time to time) are much easier to cope with and deal with in a rational, good parent-type way. But if this mother is in a bad way mentally, and who knows what is going on in her life, then it sounds like she just snapped. I hope for the little girls sake it was a one-off, or at least an extremely rare occasion and not a regular occurrence. Odd as this sounds, I'd be inclined to be slightly more concerned for the mother than the child -sounds like she's the one in need of help. Should you have said something - not sure - really don't know what I'd have done in your shoes - but I feel for you, it sounds like it really affected you.

[Wfm]

There haven been topics about whether a stranger should intervene when a nanny is shouting aggressively at a child, but I personally think when it comes to mothers and children, it is absolutely not within a bystander's right to intervene. Everybody has different views on how one should raise children and discipline them, but you don't have any right to impose those views on anybody apart from your own children. Otherwise what kind of nanny state would that leave us in, I shudder to think...

[nikolaus_braun]

Not as bad but in the same vein. I was standing at the tills as a mother asked her 2 (biggish) kids what they wanted for dinner: Cheese on toast or beans on toast. Where do you draw the line?

[shafeenan]

I was interested by your letter just because I witnessed two events at the same time in a playground recently. We can't always be the perfect parent, but this is what I saw. One mother quietly explained to the child that she could have 3 slides and then they were going to Tescos and would come back after. The little girl had 3 slides, snuck onto the swings and looked at her mother, who went over and repeated what the terms were. The little girl apologised and the mother capitulated. The other mother yelled at her child in a very loud voice for all to hear that she could have a go on each thing and then they were going to Tesco. The child did everything as slowly as possible and the mother became increasingly irate, yelling, cajoling and finally pulling the child off an activity and almost dragging her along. Screams and yells from the child followed. Who was the winner? The mum who acted calmly, of course, we can all see that. But you have to carry it through. You have to take a breath and act calmly as often as you possibly can with chidlren so they learn the parameters rather than having rules thrust at them. I rather suspect the first mother above had less trouble on a daily basis than the second.
However, having said that, there are times when even a smack can be warranted. I think you were right not to get involved, though. She might have ended up lashing out at you too!

[Nunubell22]

Wrong! Bystanders are the reason why children/people are abused, suffer and at worse die.

[Goldhawk]

I totally disagree with Tad

[jafina]

sorry nikolaus, I don't understand your post. Are you really saying that giving a child beans or cheese on toast is bad and somehow similar to smacking them? Or was the post meant to be a joke.

[Balhammom]

I was confused too Jafina I think that he / she meant that if we start to as about some things we'll have to ask about everything hence the nanny state. But, yes, may be a joke
Goldhawk why do you so disagree with tad ?

[townieatheart]

Quite often give my kids cheese on toast! But they'll have carrot, cucumber, red pepper sticks etc... alongside it.
My point is that you cannot possibly judge someone by witnessing a snippet of their life.

With regards to the mother, I'm not sure saying something would have achieved anything. But I think in similar circumstances I would stand nearby and hope that by realising she's being watched she not only halts her behaviour but equally takes a 'look' at what she's doing.

[EmmaVictoriaID]

I don't think anyone would agree that the way the mother handled that situation was right, or maybe some would, but I see horrendous parenting every day I leave the house, it's just the way it is - some people are crap parents, there's a LOT of them out there, because we do not live in a perfect world. Poor parenting bred from their own poor experiences as children, poor education, terrible home lives, domestic abuse who knows what and that's the point... as a bystander you just have no idea what motivates a person and no amount of tut-tutting or even saying something will break a cycle like that - often the problems run much deeper and permanent, all that will happen is that you may say something to the wrong person on the wrong day and put yourself in danger. It also sounds quite superscillious to say 'count to five', I'd just learn from these people and focus on your own parenting and vow that in your own sphere of influence you would never act like that. Be responsible for yourself and your children and let the rest of the world turn you can't stop it.

[cupoftea]

It's so easy to judge.

You have no idea how stressed she was, or what the circumstances are. Every parent is different, and we can't go around tutting at the way everyone raises their child, there will be people tutting all day.

Some people smack, and some don't. Best to just concentrate on your own child I think.

It's not always a good idea to accuse someone of abuse, she may be an excellent mother, just having a rough day.

[Goldhawk]

If you walked past one adult hitting another would you do something?

Why is it okay as it's a parent hitting a child?

[mingokat]

Goodness me where have all you perfect parents come from - she smacked her child on the bottom for goodness sake. Not at all the same as seeing 2 adults hitting each other. I feel terribly sorry for this poor mother now and hope whoever she is that she never reads all these things being said about her. I imagine that she's probably a perfectly capable and loving mother but one who is human too.

I also hope that people don't judge me when I'm out and about with my children and one of them does something naughty, unacceptable or dangerous!

[Goldhawk]

Was it you Mingokat?!!!