Would you take a job if you knew you were pregnant with #2? Post Reply

[millymoo]

Agree with Abfab, you absolutely don't have a legal or moral obligation to disclose your physical status prior to receiving an offer of employment unless your role involves some sort of manual labour in which case there are accommodations that your employer would have to make to ensure that you could carry out your job effectively. One of my best friends got a great new job while she was pregnant and a colleague just left to start a new job externally for 2 just weeks before going off to have a baby (she did not get maternity pay but the company was so thrilled to have her they gave her a signing on bonus equivalent to 6 months pay) so it is heartening to hear that many companies now are being more open minded when it comes to hiring women at all stages of their lives and career development.

Are some of the earlier posters suggesting that women in their mid-30s should also be discounted from seeking new opportunities on the premise that they might be taking time off at some point in the future to have a family? I thought the readers of NappyValleyNet were more enlightened than that!

If it is something you want to do then you should give it a go. You won't know how it will work until you try. It sounds as though you have sensibly thought through the support element. Best of luck with whatever you decide and keep us posted!

[szerma]

Hello, first of all congratulations. Second, a couple of suggestions:
1. Have a quick scan of "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg and a reminder about how many / how women talk themselves out of doing things.
2. A friend of mine got offered a big job (internal move) whilst pregnant. Yes she managed a big team and her first task in her 2 months of the job was to recruit the team and set them up for the next 6 months! She took 6 months off and was happy to come back to the great job.
3. The posts about maternity pay when with a new employer... I get that a lot as I freelance. In reality few companies offer you more than 3-6 months pay. So even if you were to give that up by moving roles, if you got offered a much better position / pay, it is worth it even if you have to give that up.
4. Once you had the job and all was ok with pregnancy - all options are on the table - you could come back after 3, 6 months... or stagger your return gradually increasing your hours. It is possible - you will be shattered starting a job with a 3 month old but you will also be shattered looking after 2. Remember, women in the US take only 6 weeks off. And don't ever feel guilty about not being a good mother for not being a stay at home / part-time mum!
5. If the money is great as you say then I would budget in a lot of extra support (I am talking nanny + part time
housekeeper + cleaner) and see if it's still worth it (not just financially but in terms of your fulfilment etc). If yes then planand budget for that. If your hubby decides to give up his job you might change it, but don't try to do it all especially with 2 kids.
6. Whether to tell the employer it is up to you. You could tell them before, tell them once you had the contract, or tell them once you can't hide it any longer. If you had the contract, unlikely they would bail out on that basis as they would be afraid of you suing them.
Finally, If YOU want it, just go for it.

[Efmoz]

Surely she should tell her employer BEFORE she has a written contract in her hands? I would think very badly of someone who deliberately withheld potentially deal-breaking info before signing a contract. Honesty and openness must be the best way forward if she's to have a good reputation with her employers...

Gentle reminder that pregnancy, as you put it, being a deal breaker is illegal...

[2009Kat]

Just adding some anecdotes really:
I know someone who took a job when newly pregnant and when she announced it later, rightly or wrongly it went down like a lead balloon such that she did not really want to return to the job after mat leave (although there were other factors at play in that decision though). I also know someone else at my office who told of her pregnancy at interview and they said no problem, we want you anyway - she has taken quite a short mat leave though as obvs won't be getting any mat pay and wants to establish herself in the role.

[sld]

Hello OP,

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy and the offer of a new role

From my own experience, knowing what I know now, I think I wouldn't take on a more senior role in a new company.

I've been back at work about 8 months now, 4 days a week (DD2 is 19 months). Honestly, it's taken me the best part of 6 months to feel that I'm mentally as sharp as I was pre-pregnancy (that said, in the past month or so I've been pre-occupied with sorting out childcare for my eldest for when she starts reception).

When I came back to work, my role was pretty much the same as before which gave me time to re-adjust back to working life. However, in the past two months it's morphed into me taking on much more responsibility, being involved in projects that are meant to result in a huge cultural change within teams and therefore having much more visibility throughout different departments. I can tell you that it's been a struggle at times - and my job doesn't involve travel, I do a strict 9-5 with a 25 min commute, my husband helps out AND I have a hugely understanding boss who will not bat an eyelid when I say I have to WFH certain days because my kids are not well. Oh, and for the first 5 months of being back at work, I was battling severe sleep deprivation as well as DD2 was teething badly and would be up every 1.5-2 hours throughout the night (and of course, only mummy will do!).

What's the work/life balance like in the new company? Should you feel like it later, would they feel happy with you doing flexi-work? What support will you have with childcare? If both you and your husband are working long hours then presumably you'll need a nanny ... and presumably you may not be there to put the kids to sleep every night. Are you OK with that?

Someone said: "I don't mean to bang the feminist drum but we have a situation where you've been offered a great job and you sound like you want the money/new role. But because of all the perceived baggage around working mums you are dealing with an extra layer of stress." I agree with this, but my reality is that when my kids are not well they really only want me, no matter how much they love daddy. Which means rightly or wrongly I'm the one with the added stress, and the one who has to be around when the kids need me, job or no job. So for me at least, being in a role that allows me to also be around when my kids need me is far more important than any career progression.

Lastly, I would not presume to tell you what to do, just that it DOES take time to get back into working life after mat leave, and you shouldn't underestimate the challenges of going back to work with two little ones. And that's to a familiar role, in a familiar environment.

[uptheoctave]

I know it's not *exactly* the same, but still...

[Flowermummy]

Dear OP,

Congratulations on both the pregnancy and the new job offer!

You already got a lot of wise advice. But be aware that your experience may be very different from that of other posters.
There are a lot of unknowns which you cannot quantify in your situation, for example if your pregnancy is successful and how you feel after having #2... I know very career focused women who decided to give it up after children and equally less career focused women who have gone back to work full time after children and made it work...so it could go either way...
My advice would be to make a decision based on the information available to you now, mainly do you really want the new job or not. If you really want it then there are high chances you will make it work (with additional support from husband, nanny, staggered return to work, etc etc).

Yes, having 2 is much harder than 1. But it gets easier after 18months or so. If you don't take the new job would you be regretting it when hopefully your #2 is 18 months old and sleep depravation is a thing of the past?

Personally I wouldn't tell them about the pregnancy until after 3 months, because if it's not successful you will have to go back and explain what happened... But you could hint that you want another child or that work-life balance is important to you.

best of luck!

[Sheds]

Hi Nvn Anon

Seems that there is a lot of conflicting advise being offered which can only be adding to the excessive and conflicting thinking that you already have going on. Whilst everyone is coming forth with advice, experiences, opinions and judgements from their own perspectives with love and kindness, the only one that truly knows the answer for themselves is you.

If you can set the situation aside for a while and know that once your thinking about it quietens down, you will be able to hear your answer. At the moment, all thoughts spinning around in your head involve taking heed of a future scenario that you are creating, believing in and then acting as if it is true. No-one knows what will actually happen. We are all just human beings doing the best we can with what we believe at the time. If you only take the action that sits comfortably with you, it is the only action that needs to be taken. If you try to second guess and please others that is never going to work - who are you actually going to please? (you can only achieve that by checking what it is they want of you 1st otherwise you could find that you are way off the mark anyway!) You can never please others in the way you think pleases them. Please yourself, you deserve it!

Take care x

[NvnAnon]

Hi there, OP here.

First, a few additional details and then I'll respond/comment.

I've been self employed for the last 4 years so this was not an internal move and I wouldn't be entitled to any mat leave either way.

Next, the decision. I declined the offer. The timing felt wrong to me for personal reasons - it was a HUGE job with a lot of responsibility, a commute, travel, etc. To be honest, I love my husband but he has become accustomed to a certain level of support and as much as he would say "I'll help", in the end I didn't believe that he would actually come through (no need to make me feel bad about not having a more helpful spouse) and I didn't want this to be the end of my marriage with resentment building between us.

Also, through a discernment process where I spent a lot of time thinking/praying about what I wanted and why I might be taking this role, I discovered that money isn't as big a motivator as it once was for me, and I value flexibility and time with my child even more.

Not saying I'll never return to full time work, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. So, what I've decided is that once my little one starts nursery in September that I will ramp up my business development efforts in an effort to bring in more consulting income to ease some of the financial burden for my husband and to give me something that will stimulate me mentally in the coming months before B2 arrives.

I honestly appreciated all of the comments on all sides, I found all of your sincere responses enlightening and they helped me find my own voice in the process.

Finally, it also revealed to me that no matter what, women still have so far to go in terms of equality in the workplace. Hiring managers don't look at male candidates, see a ring on their finger and wonder if they're going to run off to take paternity leave. Moreover, women are still doing the lion's share of mental work at home - kids doctors appointments, laundry, food shopping, bill paying, etc.

To the women who make this work (and possibly the teams of people and helpful spouses who support them), I salute you!

Whether you stay at home and look after little ones, or bust the glass ceiling at the office, being a Mum is hard work. Here's to all of us!

[K1999]

Personally, I think you should be honest about it. My husband runs his own business and it is quite small so does not have many employees. He has employed women in the past, who have started work and then said they are pregnant shortly afterward. He has then had to pay for both maternity pay and a new employee, which he could ill afford.

So morally I think it is not right to enter into a job, knowing you are pregnant and not even being sure you will continue with the job after the birth.