Refusing to have MIL for Xmas? Post Reply

[MILNightmare2]

I've been struggling with how I can refuse to have my MIL/FIL visit us for Christmas. Obviously I love my OH but his father just sits there watching TV and his mother spends her whole time having a go at the house/my cooking/parenting skills etc.

I know this isn't an old problem, I can see exactly the same issue here from a few years ago, but I wonder if it's unreasonable to go away for Christmas so they can't visit? I feel I work hard enough to enjoy the holiday. I think what makes it worse is that my MIL is a bright woman who almost sees these conversations as "sport" and she really seems to enjoy the sparring any advice gratefully recevied!

http://www.nappyvalleynet.com/mums/view ... 15&t=15401

[windmill26]

What about you going to their place for Christmas lunch and then leaving early afternoon? So she will be the one cooking and cleaning !

[dudette]

I don’t think you should feel under any obligation at all. Xmas is a good week to go skiing as it’s generally cheaper than New Year - say that you want your kids to have a guaranteed white Xmas. If you feel really bad you could always invite them along and hopefully they’ll say no.

[Needcoffeenow]

How long do they usually stay? If it’s several days you are justified in having the occasional Xmas away skiiing or whatever. If it’s just for a day or so, how about booking to have the main Xmas lunch out? You could tell them this in advance and it might put them off coming! Does your husband have any siblings who could take a turn?

[supergirl]

Errr... have you talk to your husband? How does he feel?
You are talking about his parents so if he agrees with you let him do the talking to HIS parents. If he disagrees with you, find out why yes surely but ultimately marriages are about compromises. This is xmas a family time that brings the best and worst of people, put some boundaries up and enjoy the best you can... then book time away.

[Flowermummy]

Of course it is reasonable to go away for Christmas!!! Lots of people do it for the same reasons, to get away from unwanted guests and the drudgery of the xmas lunch.
Like mentioned before, people go away abroad, or to a nice hotel in England, or do the Xmas lunch in a restaurant, or just take turns to host the Xmas lunch.
I think it's quite nice for the kids to keep Christmas's varied, so do something slightly different every year.
BUT like supergirl says, you need to agree with your husband. Sounds like you both work hard, so he should naturally agree to the most stress free option

[auntieplanty]

Oh Dear! If your husband won't take the baton up to talk to his parents and 'explain' the codes of being a good house guest in your house, then I would go away!

I agree Christmas traditions need to be moved around a little to stop them becoming a burden and a little stale and obligated

Skiing sounds fun, and guaranteed winter snow can be fun for the whole family - take the IL's with you if you feel really bad!

[dkm]

We might be FIL’s or MIL’s one day It’s just a few days, grandparents sadly don’t live forever...

[Flowermummy]

LDRocks, you are just too kind...

his mother spends her whole time having a go at the house/my cooking/parenting skills

- that's just not acceptable, sorry. Grandparents also need to make an effort to be nice if they want to spend time with the grandchildren.

[Sheds]

Dear MILNightmare2

I feel for you!

Just feel a little uncomfortable with the sentence 'I wonder if it's unreasonable to go away for Christmas so they can't visit?'. I would say that going away for Christmas could be wonderful. However, to go away so that they can't visit sounds unkind. Not sure that I would want to match my MIL's negativity with such negativity. I wouldn't want to spend the holiday feeling bad!

I would be more interested in finding out why the MIL feels the need to voice her opinions. Instead of matching her unkindness, it might be more beneficial to match her in voicing thoughts and opinions.. for instance, 'why do you feel the need to comment on my house/cooking/parenting skills etc.? Then at least you would know and could then thank her for letting you know... and then move on with the day. If you were consistent in that response it would be interesting to see how long she felt the need to continue commenting...

[Beancounter]

Speaking as an older mother whose inlaws used to start discussing in September who would have their whining mother for Christmas, I'd run away. Don't even use getting away from the inlaws as an excuse. Just say you want to get away for Christmas for a change and make it about your family.

[Denwand]

We soon learned when my mother and brother came for Christmas - and stayed for nearly two weeks due to cancelled flights etc.

I had a toddler and young baby at the time, my mother was of little practical help and my brother zero...my other half felt like the butler and I the cook/housekeeper....Never again!

Because I was the only daughter with three brothers my mother had decided that ours was the house she would stay for Christmas - for every Christmas from then on (not only did my brothers get off the hook - but one insisted on staying with us as well). My mother never even considered staying with her sons....

She once said "Well I've done enough Christmases over the years - now it's your turn!" ...."Your" being me, her daughter, not any my three brothers!

So we successfully hatched a plan to break her assumptions.

We told her we liked going away for Christmas most of the time and invented friends in the country that we would be staying at. She then either went away for Christmas herself or had it with her local friends.

Every third Christmas or so we invited her to ours with one strict proviso...for no more than three days - no exceptions!

Over the years it has worked really well . She enjoys her "friends" Christmases as well as her Christmases abroad - and we do not end up wanting to strangle her!

I guess the moral is, no matter how well you get on with your in-laws, you must break the comfortable (for them) mantra of;

"Oh but I ALWAYS spend Christmas with you ! It's a family tradition"

Oh no you don't and oh no it's not!
Result!