5 year old daughter still not settled into school Post Reply

[seabel]

I am the Mother of a 5 year old who is seriously struggling to settle into school. She cries a lot of the time, and it starts at home in the morning, not eating breakfast etc.. she has made friends at school and likes the teacher but is unhappy. When I or anyone else asks her why she is sad, she just says she misses me and wants to be with me. Obviously I would love to have her at home but clearly that isn't an option! Anyone have any advice? I am at my wits end....

[Bunnypigeon1]

My eldest was exactly like this- crying, saying she wanted to stay with me, generally being quite miserable and unhappy. It broke my heart. We tried a lot of things- regular mummy/daughter ‘dates’, reward charts, etc. I bought a book called the kissing hand which deals with this exactly- and we would read it every morning and she kept it in her school bag. All those things helped a bit but not enough. In desperation towards the beginning of her third term at school I asked our GP who referred her to a family / child psychologist. She was great and visited her at school, worked with us as a family, etc. It reassured me that this was a phase which would pass....
And it did. When we came back to school after the summer break she was a transformed child. No more tears or clinginess- she bounds off into school and comes back happy. I think the transition to formal children at such a young age is really really tough for some of them, and unless you consider home schooling or deferring by a year (both of which I did seriously contemplate), you just have to tough it out. I do feel for you though, I know how difficult it is.....

[seabel]

Thank you bunny pigeon, I was going to arrange a appointment with our GP next week as she complains of tummy ache on a frequent basis, has a small red patch by her mouth which she itches and picks her fingers until they bleed but am pretty sure it's all related. But will speak to her about school and see if we can move forward. Thanks again, I will also buy that book.

[MelissaH]

I'm sure you're right that the physical symptoms are related. My daughter had bad eczema, stomach aches and headaches as a result of anxiety when she started secondary school. She'd also taken a while to settle into big school.
It's great that she likes the teacher and has friends -that's a big relief. I also think Bunnypigeon’s tips sound great.
I am a parenting coach at The Parent Practice. The other thing we would advise anyone in this position to do is coach your child about their emotions. Don’t ask her how she is feeling or why she feels that way because she won’t be able to tell you any more than she is missing you. Instead thank her for telling you that she misses you. Tell her how important it is that she tells you when she is feeling down so that you can help her deal with her big uncomfortable feelings.
Empathise with those feelings and don’t try to brush them away. Talking through feelings doesn’t make them worse but helps a child to manage them. “You wish you could stay with mummy all day don’t you? I love being with you too. I particularly love it when you… It can be hard to get used to new environments. I think it’s a good strategy that you go to the [book corner] when you first get into the classroom because it makes you feel a bit better to do something you like.”
Let her know how normal those feelings are. She is feeling them more intensely than some others and she has had the feelings for longer than many but maybe she is generally a more sensitive child.

[Sheds]

Dear seabel... as a Montessori trained teacher, a reader mum volunteer, and mother of 2 daughters I have a lot of experience in the anxieties that your daughter is displaying at the moment. My initial thoughts are wondering if your lovely daughter has at some point misinterpreted a situation where she suffered some strong emotions and has somehow tied that up with a similar feeling she may get at school. Although they are disconnected she has somehow made a link and is upset from that. I went to boarding school at the age of 11 and cried every morning for the 1st 6 weeks and then one morning after breakfast I noticed that I hadn't woken up and cried. Guess what, I cried because I hadn't cried - somehow thought that meant that I didn't miss my family enough anymore! Would love to have a chat with you, if you are up for it. Would recommend that you resist the temptation to over compensate for her sadness, the less drama surrounding it the better - it is easier to explain more in person...

[seabel]

Thank you very much everyone for your advice, it is very much appreciated. I have bought the Kissing Hand book and we have read it and she goes to school with her kiss (it didn't stop the crying but it did reduce it!). I have spoken to our GP and she is prepared to refer us to a child psychologist should we want it. I am going to wait until the New Year to go down that route.
Thank you again ladies, it is comforting to know that I am not on my own - I hate to see my little girl so unhappy. Sheds, thanks for the offer to chat, I will be in touch.

[lombok]

Have you spoken to the class teacher or year head as they may well be able to help you with understanding and strategies to help your daughter feel more comfortable. Is it possible to gently find out from your daughter what aspects of school life she finds difficult as seems to be displaying anxiety. Maybe you could take a walk to collect leaves for a picture or something and just ask some gentle open questions such as “how is school going?” I’m a child psychotherapist and wondered if you might be able to sit with her and each do some art work together. Quite often a child might find it easier to open up through art or play where they take the lead and you follow. I would echo what has already been said about enabling your daughter to open up and speak freely about her concerns without trying to jolly her along or minimise how she feels. Maybe do some reflecting back so that she knows you have understood what she is saying and feels heard. I’d be tempted to seek professional help sooner rather than later. I’d see this as a very positive step towards understanding what is making her anxious and helping her feel less anxious quicker, build her resilience and self esteem in the process too maybe. The Parent Practise could be a helpful resource for you too.

[lombok]

I meant to say I’d also be happy to talk more with you if you want to PM me and can fully appreciate that this must be a difficult and emotional situation to deal with. Im sure it is possible to put strategies in place to help though.