Lent money to Brother-in-law - not paying back - help please Post Reply

[MumMoneylender]

Hello Everyone,
I'm a regular user but am using a different name for obvious reasons.

Back in the autumn we lent my brother-in-law a reasonable amount of money, a significant five figure amount. He claimed he needed this for a very good reason (I don't want to say what but it was work related) and although I was very sceptical about whether we should do this my husband put a lot of pressure of me to agree (he's always looked after his younger brother). Needless to say his brother is now unable or unwilling to pay us back and my husband does not want to confront him about it as he says he will pay it back when he can and family should support each other, not put pressure on each other.

We don't have a lot of money ourselves, we're comfortable but this is amount of money that will mean we have to downgrade our holiday or postpone a new car purchase - all of which I KNOW are first world problems but seeing as we both work our a*sses off to make this money I don't see why we shouldn't benefit from it.

Does anyone have any advice? Are there intermediaries whom could help us negotiate? I really resent my husband for this and we have a string of family events coming up (christening, 70th party etc) which means I'll be expected to break bread with someone who isn't acknowledging that he even bloody owes us some cash.

Sorry for the rant but it's becoming a bit of an issue...

[BBens]

This is difficult but I would suggest solutions to you husband first in a way that you're being really constructive and not nagging. He'll probably be quietly quite stressed about it and you don't want it to hang over your relationship.

It might be easier for your husband to understand it in the terms that you refer to eg when you come to discuss holidays or a new car, say mention that your husbands car / holiday aspirations are a little high for what you can afford as a family. You should lower what you go for till the money is back.

You will want to mention it every other day but I recommend against this and this as long term as you can. Perhaps if you can get the money back in stages and have it all back a year or two from now you'd be happy with this outcome ?

[sloaney donkey]

This is such a difficult situation to be in. And one you only realise the gravity off when you are in it.

- other people's money (and by definition blood, sweat and tears) is so much easier to spunk than your own.
- there is asymmetry in that if your debts get too much, you can write them off after a period of forgiveness.
- people will destroy a good relationship over just a few hundred quid.
- people are often embarrassed about being a bad debtor. Openness is a good cure.

Often, when people are forced to borrow they have some kind of underlying problem (addiction, depression). All too often you are a creditor way down the scale once they have got back on their feet (if they ever do). And you will find that they keep coming back to you for more, just like that cat that comes to my flat door each night. And when they get back onto their feet, they will never repay the money.

If a family member wants money for an urgent operation then I would lend if I was sure they are telling the truth. If it is for another reason then you have to be DAMN SURE AND PAY To WHOEVER YOURSELF (they may be lying and using it at the betting shop).

I would say that your husband should confront the brother-in-law and come up with a plan to pay it back. Be it £100 a month or £10 a week. Your brother-in-law will then realise exactly what the money means to him and you. The only way.

You don't address it then it will weigh on you. If you do addr as it, it winds up your husband. Your brother-in-law has no idea what he has done. Just make a payment plan a condition.

Perhaps talk to other members of his family about it. Shame works really well, also.

[AbbevilleMummy]

Never lend money that you can’t afford to give away, especially when done informally without any written agreement, payment plan etc.

That said, it’s done now, and you can afford it as it’s ‘only’ affecting holiday and new car which as you said yourself are first world problems.

If I were you I would mentally write it off and leave it to your husband. I would look at it as money he has spent on himself as he was the one who really wanted to ‘lend’ it and it’s his brother so his stress to get it back, if you get it back. I offer this advice for the sake of your relationship with your husband.

[Sheds]

Dear MumMoneyLender

I get your frustration, considering it took a lot of pressure being put on you to agree in the first place.

Now it has happened, you will experience it in any form that your thinking takes you. You put up a car and a holiday as your benefit from working your a*sses off and yet fail to see that it is also a benefit for your husband to have been in a position to help his brother. Would a new car, or top rate holiday have looked so great if you had discovered afterwards that his brother had racked up debt because he didn't want to ruin those benefits for you by asking for help?

Why would you want to resent your husband for this? What significance are you giving to the string of family events coming up? Is it anybody else's business to know, judge, or pass opinion on?

What form of acknowledgement is it that you are wanting from your bro-in-law? Why wasn't it something that you asked for back at the time of lending, or wasn't it required back then?

From here, it looks as if you felt cajoled into something that you think that you didn't really want to do (yet you would not have done if you REALLY didn't want to) and looking to blame your husband/bro-in-law/family gatherings/lack of new car/holiday downgrade for those feelings that you continue to feed everytime you load more negativity onto those thoughts. Keeps the snowball rolling, getting ever bigger.

To be helpful: Leave those thoughts alone for a while. Don't feed them with more thinking. Don't try to change them to 'positive' thoughts. Just let them pass through, like the majority of other thoughts that pass through each day. Nothing to get hooked up on, just leave them alone. If you get a wave of anger about it come through - so what? angry thoughts waving through. Whatever thoughts they are, watch them come, watch them go. That's it.

Try it for an hour... a morning.... a day..... a week.... see what happens, and if you fancy it - let me know how you get on! Trust me, I speak from a lot of experience! It will all work out, you might notice that it always does in the end. Kindest regards.

[Beachbum]

I was always told that you should never loan anything you are not happy to lose. If your husband is not on your side with trying collect, anything you do will cause resentment between you and him. I think the reality is, as annoying as it may be, you are going to have to write it off as a loss.

[lemondrizzles]

I was in a similar situation years ago with my sister.

Advice I've taken since is when someone asks to borrow money, say I can't lend you x but I can give you y.

Now when she asks, which isn't often, I just give her the y amount.

In honesty, you go down any route trying to recover money from your bil, it will be your relationship with your husband that suffers most.

All terms of loans have to pretty much be set out at the point of making them and even then it's tricky to make it stick. Years ago with my sister, we agreed how much per month, and that worked ok for a few months until she asked if she could raincheck. A few years after that, I got a very small amount in s lump sum. Now the rest has been forgotten about. Fast forward a few years, two of her kids were flying out here to London. Sister, father and myself agreed to split the cost - we all know the story ends with me not ever being paid back by both sister or father. Fast forward to last year, sister asks again - lesson learned - I just gave her a much smaller amount instead of lending. After a week of mentally wrestling with that, I can say I don't think much more about it because the rationale is I only give what I can afford.

[Dickyd]

This is indeed a very tricky situation and I sympathise with you. Having had similar situations myself although not with relatives but with people who purported to be 'friends'.
As has already been suggested, the best solution would be to come to an agreement with your brother in law to make repayments under a written agreement over a specified period of time. Both parties should sign the agreement. If you are happy to do this simply between you and your brother in law then thats fine. Alternatively get a solicitor to draw up the agreement. Personally I would go for the latter.
If this does not work then there is the ultimate process of going to www.moneyclaim.gov.uk. This is a very effective way of making a claim for money thorugh the courts. It all web based and can result in the person owing the money getting a County Court Judgement against them in the event that they do not pay up all that is owed which will include the fees charged by MCOL (these are compaitively minimal if compared with the alternative of employiing the services of a solicitor to do this for you). Going down this route will undoubtedly leave a 'nasty taste in the mouth' but you will get your money back one way or another as the last thing anyone wants is a county court judgement aginst them. You can even go as far as sending in the baliffs to seize goods to the value of the debt, including the fees. As I said, this has to be the ultimate procedure to go through in order to get what is owed to you and will take a lot of soul searching on the part of both you and your Husband. However, it is strange how debtors always seem to take the view that they are being hard done by when asked to repay what they owe.
I hope you can resolve this situation in the most amicable way possible.

[atbattersea]

If you are going to lend money, then have some certainty about it in a written agreement - however simple that is:

"I lend you £1, you will pay back 1p a week, if you miss more than one week consecutively or 10 weeks cumulatively, then you acknowledge that this will result in legal action to recover the debt."

I expect you know this, but lending money to people who have no money/assets in the first place is always going to be problematic.

As some have mentioned, you can sue for the money back (if it is yours), but again, that is pointless if the debtor doesn't have the funds/assets to pay.

[orderaboveall]

I think I will have to agree with the above and write it off and let your husband deal with it. Its a really annoying situation, (been there done that) but at the end of the day it is not worth your nerves or your relationship to invest any more thought on. I do believe that whatever you do comes back to you, so perhaps your generosity will come back to you one day when you need it. See it as your charity cause of the year (after all family should always come first!)

[LittleNutJob]

Hiya, gutting for you. I don't agree you should write it off, that's outrageous and definitely not the reason we all work so hard. This is effectively stealing! I hope you get it sorted out, but if things turn and you need some informal advice, I am a litigation lawyer who lives locally (in and out of Northcote Rd). Give me a call, 07824 709480

Alison

[Vhopeful]

Sorry but I agree with your husband, I don’t think you should get involved as otherwise you just risk your husbands family turning against you. We have in the past lent money to my brother/sister and at times my husband used to enquire re when they would pay it back but I insisted that I be the one to speak to them as I felt it wasn’t his place too - if he did speak to them or god forbid someone else about it I would of been seriously annoyed.
I know my family well enough that I knew they would never not pay it back and a holiday to me was less vital than the reason they needed the money - I’m sure your husband feels similar about his sibling.