Child and parent therapist/advisor Post Reply

[muddlethru]

I'm not quite sure of who I'm looking for, in terms of their job title, but can anyone recommend somone who would give 1 on 1 sessions with me and my Son to help me understand his behaviour and to stop me getting to a point where I'm furious with him for what he's done?

He seems to deliberately want to push me to a point that I find unacepptable I.e. spitting in my face when I've asked him not to 3 times before, so I lose my temper or pulling his toddler sister's hair while I ask him to stop and until she cries, or I've watched him casually stick out his leg and trip her up for no reason. I find it very upsetting and hard to undertand why he is doing these things and I hate my reaction...perhaps he just wants a reaction from me, I have read kids will do anything for attention even negative attention, but I feel he gets more of my attention than my other 2 children and if anything monopilises it. I just want to stop this negative cycle that is upsetting for me and I know not right for my son.

Ideally looking for somone who I can see together with my son either at out home so they can see our set up or we go to them, but not a group session like the parent practice.

Thanks

[tooposhtopush]

Hang in there I am sure it is just a phase. Have you spoken to his school or nursery to see if they can offer any help? I think you're right about the attention seeking. Not that I am an expert.

Parent Practice on Thurleigh Road run family workshops from time to time which are very good. They also run courses about bringing up boys. This wouldn't be at home so not exactly what you're looking for but they are really good at what they do.

TPTP

 

[Bunnypigeon1]

I think who you need to see might depend on the age of your son. If he’s a young toddler then the parent practice might help- they do one to one work as well as group sessions. Alternatively, if you think it’s more serious, ask your GP for a referral to CAMHS (children’s mental health services). We thought we would have to go privately but CAMHS had a pyschologist come to our house once a week until the issues were better- and they contacted us within two weeks of the referral going in.
If your son is older then perhaps I would speak to a family therapist first and working out if you need therapy together or whether maybe he has anger issues or something else that he needs to work on? The awareness center in Aberville road may be able to point you in the right direction. Good luck!

[muddlethru]

Thank you for your lovely posts and advice. I don't think it is serious as such, as he is doing well at school and a dream child according to teachers and anyone who has him for a playdate etc. I think perhaps it is more just him knowing which of my buttons to press and me wanting to understand how to deal with it. I will look at Parent Practice again, as I have been there before and thank you for the tip on The awareness centre I will take a look.

Thank you again.

[GoodDay]

Hello, I'm sure it's just a phase (even if it seems like a prolonged one), and you need to hang on in there. I can also recommend a private child therapist, who is very good. What is your son's age and I can ask her if it's the age she works with.

[mummybubble]

Don't feel like you have to deal with this alone. Involving someone from outside the family can really help to break a negative cycle. We had similar but slightly different issues with my 9 year old son. He was also a dream at school but not at home and esp with me. We saw Rachel Couper through Children's Therapies and she helped him with strategies to calm himself. Thoroughly recommend her. 
https://www.childrenstherapies.co.uk/blog/rachelcouper

Good luck. 

[lalectrice]

Have a look at highly regarded psychologist Oliver James's book 'Love Bombing: Reset Your Child's Emotional Thermostat'. The approach he recommends worked well for me and another mum I know, and the book contains a couple of case studies featuring behaviour very like what you describe.

[SW4Lancslass]

We also used a lovely therapist from Children’s Therapies for similar behaviour for our 7 year old, who practised from the Awareness centre on abbeville road . I believe she’s now returned to S africa but probably worth checking out who is available at the Awareness Centre for a few sessions.
Good luck.

[ronich]

This does sound like a very difficult situation, and I know with the right support you will be able to sort this out.

I am a local Speech and Language Therapist with a clinic very close to Clapham South Tube.

I would possibly recommend a Clinical Psychologist. I often use Dr. Matty Chalk. He is very good and has supported a few clients of mine with behavioral difficulties. You can clink on the web link for more information, http://www.psychological-solutions.org.uk/who-we-are/.

I am not suggesting you need a clinical psychologist, however, you might be able to have a chat with one to figure out the best starting point.

You can also try some positive behavior reinforcement. You want to rule out if this is attention seeking or if there are other reasons for the behavior? No doubt you give him a lot of attention, but some kids require attention in different ways.

Understanding the function of his behaviour and purpose for it, and what he is achieving through it will also help. You can then find other ways for his needs to be met more positively and give him alternative ways to communicate these needs/wants.

I hope this helps a bit.

Rosie

 

[tishdodson]

I don't know an advisor however there are a couple of great books you can read or listen to that are so helpful.  'How to talk so little kids will listen' by Joanne Faber (again depending on his age.  I think this goes up to 7 and then there's books for bigger kids). And 'kids, now they come with a manual' by Matt Hudson.  Kids, as much as we would like them to be, aren't in real control of changing their behaviour, depending on his age. They may have patterns they are working through that they need support with.  And the constant disciplining and trying to get them to is exhausting, no doubt, for you.  They react and model according to what's going on in the family dynamic.  You are the most in control of changing your behaviour/talking/body language so that they do and the fact that you don't like your reaction is a really good place to be able to make a start.  It takes practice, and one day/week/month at a time to implement things, and you can screw it up sometimes especially if you had different family rules yourself. But definitely works.  It's great that you have reached out as so many families go throw this and don't change a thing or ask for help.   I have personally found that honest talking to my 3 and 5 year old about what's nice and caring behaviour rather than good or bad really helps, and things like instead of telling him off for pulling his sister's hair saying something like 'You can see she's upset and that can't make you feel too nice. If you could do something to make your sister and all of us smile and feel better, what would that be'.  Or if you know he's trying to get your attention get down to his eye level and say 'that wasn't nice to do and we have to help your sister to feel better now.  When we have done that, what would you like from me to feel nice'.  There are loads of tips in the book to practice. And all of them help to change your reaction and feel a whole lot calmer.  Also 'Ruby's worry' again depending on his age, may help him open up about what he is feeling and get you talking well together. How you communicate can change everything.  Good luck 
 

[leigh.stutchbury]

Hello there,

I am an emotional resilience coach for kids/teens and specialise in giving practical tools for kids to be able to manage their emotions when they need them most.

Would be happy to have a quick chat about how we could potentially help or perhaps point you in the right direction. 

Cheers,

Leigh Stutchbury
CHAMPS academy
Leigh.champs@gmail.com
07709645115
 

[parentpractice]

Hello

Elaine here from The Parent Practice and I absolutely get how frustrating, exhausting and bewildering it can be when you are in the midst of dealing with aggressive behaviour such as spitting and sibling squabbles, where he seems to be the perpetrator all the time and your little girl is the target.

The good news though is that based on how he is outside the home, it does appear that he has a moral compass and knows how to behave and does follow the rules, so there are no major behavioural issues that would indicate CAMHS should be involved. Whilst family therapy may be useful, the problem is that when we take our children to see professionals too early, they are often left thinking 'what's wrong with me'?

At The Parent Practice we believe that we as parents have the biggest influence on how children see themselves and how they behave and depending on our ability to stay calm in the face of provocative behaviour and our ability to be proactive and not reactive, the outcomes will be very different 

Knowing how to connect and communicate is a great place to start, so our children's self esteem can grow and they feel heard and respected and less likely to exhibit challenging behaviour to get attention 

Happy to jump on a discovery call with you to see if we are the right people to help if that's of any helphttps://meetme.so/theparentpractice

[CheekychappieMum]

Hello, Have read the above posts and for me Elaine from The Parent Practice has put her finger on it....CONNECTION. When we have real connection with our kids (or spouses for that matter) they WANT to please us and try to do the right thing no matter what. However, this connection is often broken by separation (school or nursery or just playing by themselves...or if we are doing something else..) and actually needs to be re-established ...often with a bit of help from a book or an expert. I have had firsthand experience of a lot of behavioural issues and to solve them I did the following:
Read Calmer Easier Happier Parenting (and Noel Janis Norton) and her books Calmer Easier Happier Homework/Boys etc ...The Parent Practice also use her methodology as far as I've seen, or have people trained by Noel. 
My situation was extreme so in the end I had to employ Noel on telephone consultations which was a lifesaver. 
Also, check out Jacqueline Green's work on Alignment (connection) which teaches you to pause before reacting and how to really engage with your child so he/she doesn't need to seek attention negatively. She had the best mentor for Connection ever, Dr Gordon Neufeld who has written an amazing book "Hold onto your kids" which covers how to keep close to them in all different scenarios right up to teens/screens etc. V easy to read and to implement with minor tweaks. It has made a HUGE difference to our family life ....husband included (but don't tell him that).
Most of the parenting books skirt round the connection issue ....it's all about re-phrasing things, noticing your kids and commenting on your observations out loud. Small adjustments go a long way to make our loved ones feel special. 

Good luck, PM me if you need any further info. I have a lot on file I can send you. 

[AideenPlayTherapist]

Hi there, 

Sounds like you've got lots of advice and good suggestions here. I totally agree with others about connection. It can be such an intangible but extremely significant part of the parent-child relationship. 

I'm a play therapist and a parenting coach, based in south london and I offer a few different programmes for strengthening parent-child relationships. Most of the programmes include child development/child psychology education and some parent play skills training, but can also include some observations and facilitated play sessions. 

Feel free to have a look at my website (playfulpathways.co.uk) for more info or give me a call if you'd like to have a chat. 

Best wishes, 
Aideen 

[3littlemonkeys]

Try seeing Lulu Luckock - she is a teacher at a local nursery and wonderful at helping children and parents a like! She is only part time at the nursery so she can focus on other things (website will fill you in!) She is calm, patient, kind and full of brilliant ideas. She will be able to help you! I know she's helped many local families and it won't feel like therapy or an issue. It will just be advice and guidance.  http://www.lululuckock.com/