Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

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PinkPanther
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby PinkPanther » Wed Jul 13, 2011 4:49 pm

Sorry Incognito. I just re-read my post. The second bit about working on your marriage wasn't being directed towards you specifically, although I realise that's how it reads. Just thowing those questions out there as 'not bothered' is how I feel.

If you want to work on it then it goes to show you obviously still love your husband and that's worth it's weight in gold. Things can be salvaged in that situation and I think it is a matter of finding out why that physical connection isn't there and doing something about it.

Different story if one has stopped caring...
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby beentheredonethat » Wed Jul 13, 2011 5:40 pm

PP - I really feel for you. You sound so unhappy in your marriage. Are you waiting for the kids to grow up and then leave? Can you last that long?

I feel as though I could be you in 10 years time, so maybe I'm reading more into it than there is. But I'm really hoping that with some work, my marriage can last and I can be happy with my husband. There is always the specter of the other man in my imaginings of the future.

When did stop 'giving a toss'?
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Affair?
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby Affair? » Wed Jul 13, 2011 8:50 pm

I'm too upset to add anymore to this thread right now but I am reading and re-reading everyones contribution.

Thank you
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby PinkPanther » Wed Jul 13, 2011 10:47 pm

Thanks for your sympathy, beenthere. I really do hope you don't find yourself in my situation 10 years from now as even though I said I'd do it all again, I wouldn't wish the emotional roller coaster ride on anyone. You seem to know just as well as I do how difficult it is constantly balancing and battling against all those emotions in the head vs. the heart. It is difficult to know what to do, particularly when children are involved. I've threatened to leave a few times before but in the end never have on the basis that I owed it to my son to try to make things work. I would hate for him to grow up without a dad even if it meant being miserable in my own skin.

Am I waiting for the kids to grow up before I leave? Hmmm... Well, let's just say right now our son keeps us preoccupied. When it's just the two of us again, I think one of us will end up smothering the other in their sleep!

It is difficult to pinpoint when it started going wrong. I got married young and my husband was married before (his ex also cheated on him), so we both came into the relationship with our own set of problems and doubts. I often think it was wrong altogether and that I jumped the gun in an effort to force myself into getting over the other man. Funnily enough, I have never thought about cheating with any other man. I wonder...is it any different if one has an affair not purely for the sexual kick but because you are with the person you always thought you were meant to be with?
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fatherof6
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby fatherof6 » Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:55 am

This post is shocking,! You women have no shame. What did you think would happen when you marry someone that works so hard so that you can leave work and be a " stay at home mum" living in a big house with a cleaner ec.... And you talk about the spark going! You have no jobs, you spend your days drinking coffee, gossiping, on here and now to top it off you want to have an affair.?

My advise is go ahead.... Have you affairs because karma ladies will bit you in the bum, and when he finds out.... Trust me I'm a man and HE WELL, he will leave you with nothing.

Goodbye to the good life and hello to the single one with 2+ kids.

The man that is willing to have an affair with you dose not care... He is a man and he will use you.

Woman forgive affairs and try and make it work... Men however don't they just replace you with a younger upgraded model.

To be honest it seems that you all are having affairs... Have you ever thought that one of these other posters could be having an affair with YOUR HUSBAND.? Be happy that you was lucky snuff to marry someone that can offer you a good life and stop thinking of how to destroy it.
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby dancing_queen59 » Fri Jul 22, 2011 12:24 pm

I'm not really part of this post but I have to say this comment you have written here is very degrading to women!

"What did you think would happen when you marry someone that works so hard so that you can leave work and be a " stay at home mum" living in a big house with a cleaner ec.... And you talk about the spark going! You have no jobs, you spend your days drinking coffee, gossiping, on here and now to top it off you want to have an affair.?"

Stay at home Mums have a job, looking after children! THEY work hard just like you husbands do, if not harder! I think of it this way, I choose not to go to work in order to save us the £3,000pm nursery fees we would have to pay so I earn my fair share!
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby moops » Fri Jul 22, 2011 12:52 pm

OMG Fatherof6 I really don't know what to say to that except you sound like a chauvenistic Pig. I'm just going to sit and watch the responses roll in because you have offended almost everybody on here whether they are having an affair or not.

Like the previous poster said we do have a job and work very hard, plus we work 7 days a week round the clock. My bet is you wouldn't last a week so give credit where credit is due.

Just because a Husband works doesn't mean it's ok to neglect his Wife physically or emotionally and no one should have to put up with that because they have some sort of indebted gratitude towards him for 'letting' her stay home and raise their kids.

I'm not saying any of this is right if wrong but your post is absolutely offensive
and ignorant.

Sounds like you have some issues with your own Wife if this is how you value her!
Last edited by moops on Fri Jul 22, 2011 9:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby juliantenniscoach » Fri Jul 22, 2011 1:34 pm

before everyone goes a bit mad. re-read the original post. if I'm correct the OP said she no longer feels passionate sexually about her husband. the OP is asking an open question to the cause and effect of an affair.

in my opinion I'm quite surprised in the casual way the question is asked and there seems little of a moral or ethical consideration to the dilemma. BUT that's just my opinion, doesn't make me right or even judgemental, just my opinion, which after all, is being canvassed by the OP.

fatherof6 does raise some important points which can be read as inflammatory but the OP should consider them. we (all) don't really have sufficient information to my any judgements, only to express an honest opinion of what we've read based on own philosophy. after all the most important opinon we haven't heard from is the husband of the OP.

personally I would recommend the OP and husband seeks professional guidance..........................but that's just my opinion.
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PinkPanther
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby PinkPanther » Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:49 pm

fatherof6, your attitude is precisely the reason why women stray. When I first went on maternity leave my husband also made me feel unappreciated and insignificant. Because I didn't go to work at an office from 9 to 5 I was somehow not as important as him and that I couldn't possibly be more tired and stressed out than him. What a load of rubbish! Working a 9 to 5 is a hellova lot easier than raising a child because at the end of the day when you come home and put your feet up on the sofa and switch the tv on, we're busy cooking your dinner, cleaning up, putting the next load of laundry in, giving the kids their bath - the list goes on. Unfortunately, we can't all afford cleaners like yourself.

You wrongly assume that none of us have to get up at 6 the next morning to sort out the kids, do the nursery/school run then rush off to work only to rush back home again 8 hours later and sort everyone out. And you wrongly assume being a stay at home mum isn't a full time job in and of itself. And you paint a terrible picture of all those mums sitting in a coffee shop in the afternoon because that is the one hour in their day that they get to go out and feel half human again after spending all night breastfeeding your child for an hour every couple of hours. Any involved parent would know what an incredible responsibility a mum holds in the household - regardless of whether they 'work' or not. It's not for you or any other man to tell her she's not worth her weight because she's too busy making sure your children are looked after.

Women need to feel appreciated too for all that they do for their partners and their family and it's sad that some of their husbands don't feel their wives are even owed a simple thanks.
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby fatherof6 » Sat Jul 23, 2011 3:53 pm

My post was aimed at woman that married into "money". As in a banker, lawyer or a successful business man. Who have all the "extras" 4x4 range rovers,cleaners,gardeners,a nice house with lots of bedrooms, an allowance lol and to top it off a nanny to help!! Help with the kids that you left work to look after??

Not those mum's that struggle in a poor family so please don't take offence.

I have 6 children and let me reassure you I know just how hard it is. So I don't need you crying to me on here about how important women are to the family because I know my wife is the most amazing woman.

My point was quite simple and if there was more men on this site (but they are to busy working there butts off to feed you all) then they would all agree with me.

When you want the finer things in life and the best for your children you sacrifice things to have that. What did you think you would marry this successful man and have all the chains and whistles too? Really.?

Your children grown up without really seeing there dads because they work ridicules hours so that they can go to privet school and come home to a nice house (with an ungrateful wife answering the door) who's thinking about having an affair! :lol:

Let's be honest if your thinking about having an affair then he probably ALREADY IS.

So go for it what do you really have to lose ? :lol:
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby catty29a » Mon Jul 25, 2011 3:10 pm

There are alot of very sad stories here and it's certainly an inflammatory subject. It's very difficult to reignite a flame if the other person involved is simply disinterested, lazy or just plain knackered and it takes both of you to make it work. I'm not sure that an affair will 'fix' a marriage that has got to a point where one or both of the partners are considering an outside 'boost' and I think if the affair is discovered there's going to be alot of hurt on all sides - including to any children involved. I know of two people who've had affairs - both were found out - one is on her fourth marriage, the other is still with her original husband but it's been a long, painful road although in the end they both feel that it brought all the problems out in the open to be dealt with. As for father of six, I think you're making a huge, ill-informed supposition in believing that all the women on here are a) rich and b) don't work. Your contribution to the discussion has been at best insulting. And your spelling/typing is appalling.
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby secondtimer » Mon Jul 25, 2011 3:30 pm

Father of 6, I can understand your grieviances, but I think the women you single out as "marrying into money" exist more in the realms of the tabloids than Nappy Valley.

I am a stay at home mum, but like many posters on here, I gave up a successful career to be in this position. (Women can make money too) I returned to work full time after my son was born, only to leave again because my husband HATED it. Yes, he works all hours, but yes, he also enjoys it! Our home is happier and more balanced because the kids get some stability and see at least one of their parents on a daily basis, and no, we dont have a nanny!!!

I'm not in the market for an affair, but neither do I judge anyone who has considered it. Leaving work can give you a real identity crisis and wives need a hug not telling how good they have got it! Many of those coffee drinking women you see are lonely, tired and wish that their husbands would put in less hours and invest more in family time. Sadly, the cost of living in London means thats not often possible. (And dont lets get started about private schooling as we all know what the catchment situation around here is like.)

This is not a "woe me" post and I consider myself lucky not to have to work and fortunate to have a great husband. What I'm trying to say is that everyone's circumstances are different and everyone finds their own path. Raising small children is tough for all parties invoved and throwing stones at each other just makes things worse. I dont think any posters have been trying to advocate going out and having affairs, they have just been incredibly open and honest about their own experiences which has given the OP some different perspectives to think about.
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby catty29a » Mon Jul 25, 2011 3:32 pm

oh and I forgot to ask - have you thought about how you would feel if it was your husband writing this post and considering an affair? That's not meant in a judgey, bitchy tone but just as another question to ask yourself - maybe to get to the bottom of your real feelings about him? Good luck....
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby mandmassage » Mon Jul 25, 2011 3:57 pm

Just again another side of the story, I am single and have been Internet dating for several years. I have spent many an evening listening to men complaining about not getting enough affection, spark, or passion in their lives. I personally wont have an affair with a married man because all I can see is the wife and I can't put another woman through that level of pain. However, I really am not judgemental, well except to some men who clearly don't seem to have any feelings about their wife at all.
I once met someone online, who was married, very decent, hard working, intelligent, honest(!!), deeply caring and passionate. After a while we stayed online friends and he became more and more honest. Eventually after a year of chatting and me slowly getting information from
him I found out he had a spreadsheet of all the women he slept with, several of which at the same time, all of whom believed he was the only one. Some were married some were single, the single ones I laughed at because when he turned up to meet one of them, two happened to be friends and they both turned up and discovered his infidelity. They had the audacity to be outraged with him! Having an affair is starting a life of lies, and lies don't sit well with our bodies, we get Ill from
lying. This married man had stomach problems. I think you may had already decided to do it before you posted and that is why you are so upset now because there isn't one person on here who says it works out in the end. Which I am relieved about because being single I still want to believe in marriage!! Join a dating site like illicit affairs and talk to the married men on there. That will soon cheer you up when you see how low these men will go! The only way to really feel good about yourself is to get out and do some exercise, lose some weight, get a job that rewards you emotionally, try doing two hours of volunatary work a week, or whatever it is that will inspire and reward you because when you feel satisfied within you feel happy.
Last edited by mandmassage on Tue Jul 26, 2011 12:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work"

Postby Onthefence » Mon Jul 25, 2011 4:16 pm

Gosh this is a really interesting thread; I'm impressed with the candour with which posters have shared their experiences and opinions- - thank you all! Before anyone flames ME, btw, I would respectfully request that you don't have to jump down my throat or anyone's in order to express your opinion about what I'm about to say. We may all have strong gut reactions to other people's posts, but we can choose to respond thoughtfully and recognising that we all walk in our own shoes and not other peoples...

I have been involved in various aspects of extra marital activities: my (x)husband has had more casual sex with women (fatherof6 - it might tickle you to know that he was working his socks off in finance at the time ;)..) than even I know about. He admitted that he couldn't say no, although it was apparently always the women who made a move on him....*coughs discreetly*.

In my relationship before my (x)husband, my partner and I BOTH had affairs/sex outside our relationship. Not at first, but really we were only together because we had a child (unexpectedly and very young) - and we simply should never had stayed together. That partner was having a relationship with a much younger (and totally gorgeous and fit) woman but wouldn't admit it. I was so lonely and NOT IN LOVE with him, that I had a series of casual relationships (And some very good, enlightening sex I might add) whilst neither he nor I would bite the bullet and end our relationship.

After becoming a total work widow to my husband, who was not only workaholic but an extremely heavy drinker, and having two children with him, it became apparent to me that I was only ever seeing him (and he was usually drunk then) for about an hour a week. We were living on a building site (for years and years and years), I'd given up work to be a SAHM (mutual agreement), and it had gone horribly horribly wrong. We didn't even have a relationship to work on, really.

His idea of what I should be doing was "staying at home and cleaning, cooking, looking after the baby" (I've toned it down), When I started my own business because he gave me no housekeeping (because he'd mortgaged himself up to the hilt, was living on credit card shuffling and needed all of his money to buy share options), he told me that it was a waste of my time and that I should get back to the housework.

Hmmmm. Something had to give.

I'd got myself married with this utterly unrealistic view that getting married would genuinely be the icing on the cake, would give stability to future children, would knit me into middle class acceptability that I'd been brought up to aspire to (my mother was thrilled) and that my husband also aspired to (we're both middleclass, privately educated, etc), etc. So this was the RIGHT THING TO DO, OBVIOUSLY.....

God, I was so wrong. I am just as responsible for the complete disaster of a marriage (that ended up including violence, sexual assaults, etc) as my husband was. But I kept plodding on, burying my head in being busy with my babies, my business, church activities, housework, etc., telling myself that this was what marriage was about, - a long term commitment, the rough with the smooth, etc.. What a schmuck.

I was avoiding the fact that neither of us could communicate effectively nor honestly nor non-confrontationally. I was avoiding the fact that I really didn't enjoy sex with him that much, if at all. It had become completely perfunctory. It was a relief to have this time on my own I now realise - it probably kept us together longer that it should have otherwise!

So I found some solace (and musical enjoyment) in my local church. This was a source of conflict too, btw. And then, one day, I met the person who would utterly change my life. Really, UTTERLY.

She was new to the church, in a relationship and looking for new friends. I was there. I became her new friend. And then, after a few months of increasingly close friendship, I realised that I was completely smitten with her.

To cut a long story short, we became involved in a sexual relationship ( ;) ) and we both absolutely swore we'd NEVER leave our respective partners and this was just a fling, etc, etc.

WRONG AGAIN. After a year of knowing her and then becoming involved with her, I knew I was in love (and it was mutual). We spent as much time as possible together and she made my heart sing a brand new song. Turned my life upside down and inside out, really.

I told my husband about her. He already knew we were close friends and he knew her too. We ended up trying a menage a trois (really) but it didn't work because my husband was just in the way and I was too scared to admit it.

It got nasty between him and me - but I won't dwell on that - it was both our fault/responsibility.

In the end, I left him, she'd already left her girlfriend and we (she and I ) are in a long term relationship that is in the open to everyone. We really are deeply in love.

I realise my experience is probably not typical of anyone else's experience here (although maybe it is...?) - and that discovering my sexuality wasn't quite what I'd assumed it was all those years (which explains now why I found straight sex so totally unfulfilling...sigh!) puts a different complexion on things from most of the posters. It also rather draws a line under the possibility of returning to my marriage!

So for me, there was more than marital neglect (and co-dependency and god knows what else) going on in my marriage to push me into the arms of another; there was also my discovery of my sexuality.

But I guess after all this rambling what I'm trying to say is: I KNOW that I have caused a lot of heartache to my husband, who until very recently, would have had me back like a shot and would have dumped his girlfriend for me. I am so sorry for the tears he has shed and the desperation he has felt. I am so sorry for the disruption it's caused to my children's relationship with their father. He (chooses to) hardly ever see them - although this is very slowly, tentatively improving. I am sorry for getting married in the first place, actually, given that I now realise I'd been barking up the wrong tree for years. And there's nothing my husband can do about that one, I afraid.

My husband and I have been in "understanding what went wrong" therapy together for over a year now, btw. And I've been in individual therapy for longer than that (he approved of this, thinking it would turn me straight !).

Be very very careful before you embark upon an extra marital affair. Ask yourself why it is easier/more exciting, etc to try the thrill of the new than to reinvigorate your relationship with the person you married. Ironic that I should be saying that, I guess - but these are things that I have struggled with myself. I feel very sad to have a failed marriage. That is NOT what I had in mind when I married him. I am appalled that I have hurt him so much.

I do think that that you have to be able to be very strictly compartmentalised in your life if you are going to have an affair - both emotionally and practically speaking. You are going to have to remember every lie you've told, ALL the time, forever. You are going to have to remember to use the right name (!) to the right person, you are going to live a life of at least two halves, if not even most disconnected than that. What if if your fling is a parent locally?! Never, ever, meet up in your home territories unless nobody knows you. You'll be fretting over texts, emails, evidence of extra marital activities of any sort. Don't start changing your appearance. Don't start looking/being happier - your husband will smell a rat instantly. Believe me, the pressure can be quite intense - and sure the buzz and ego trip of being fancied is very seductive and enjoyable - but when I was embarking on my first round of infidelity, I finally realised that I was the one who was looking for love still, I was the one who felt cheapened and lost even more of my self esteem, I was the one who felt hollow and ashamed of myself. The guys I had sex with, on the other hand, had a very nice time and went back to their wives...

Sorry so long - but I feel quite experienced in this area. Not that I'm proud of it - it's taken me to meet an amazing woman to turn my life round into something I can live with pride, however hard it is to be a newly out mum at the school gates.

I hope this helps anyone who's in doubt about affairs (And their sexuality, too). DM me if you like.
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