Friend having affair and not sure how to deal with it Post Reply

[whattodo]

I am wondering if anyone has found themselves in my situation and could help in any way. 

Last week one of my oldest friends shared that she was having an affair.

I was totally shocked and feel very uncomfortable about how to deal with the news and subsequent fall out.  She has been married (I thought happily) for nearly 10 years and has 2 young children. We have shared the whole getting engaged, married, having babies journey together and as a result I feel very close to her husband and children as well. We go out regularly for dinner etc and are booked to go on holiday together in the summer with one other couple. I am feeling so awkward, guilty etc about knowing it’s going on behind his back. 

Has anyone been in this situation?  Do I just carry on as normal or do I try to 'be busy' or 'avoid'. I don't think that I would tell him as I feel my loyalty is to my friend but it doesn't stop the awkwardness. 

Many thanks for any advice anyone can give I appreciate it.

[boyswillbeboys]

Hi - this is a really tricky one.  I've been in a similar situation with a friend.  I don't know if any of this will be helpful as all situations are different of course but this is what I learned from my experience.
First - I tried not to judge.  You don't know what the state of her marriage is even if it looks happy from the outside.  Generally people in happy marriages don't have affairs.  So why not try to find out more about that as a way to support her.  I didn't want to know details of her affair and I think she understood that as she didn't give me much and I didn't ask.  We focused on what had gone wrong in her marriage.  You might well be surprised by whats going on behind closed doors - I was.  Also encourage her to seek professional support - there may well be stuff going back to her childhood that has been bubbling under the surface for years.  There definitely was with my friend and there is for most of us so perhaps focus on trying to understand all of this.
Second - think about why its difficult for you - any change is hard and the thought of a friendship group breaking up is hard but this isn't about you sadly.  This is about another couples relationship.  You can be there to support both of them through it - and the kids.   But you can't do more than that.  My friends situation isn't resolved but they are seeing a counsellor.  It's not up to you whether she tells her husband or not but that would be a start and then they would benefit from seeing a marriage therapist for sure.  unfortunately your friend is probably in the bubble of lust and excitement and won't be seeing the wood for the trees but it helps for her to think about how many peoples lives she is potentially hurting.  If her marriage is over then that needs to be sorted first and any relationship put on hold.  People fall in and out of love and that's ok but affairs are generally going to end badly.
My friend was brave and did the honest thing - told her husband, having counselling, trying to explore why she did it.  Her marriage may not survive but the secrets and lies will hurt everybody - including you as a friend.  So I do understand the way you feel.  Helping her to see this will be hard but as a good friend you have to at least try I think.
Good luck.  It's stressful but I do feel that by telling you she may well be asking for help?  Or at least trying to find out what you think so be honest with her
x
 

[Titanium]

I agree with the above. Don’t get involved but be a good listener, as for her it must be confusing and telling someone helps making sense of things. This might help her then tell her husband, which is what she should do by herself.
I was damaged as a child finding out (first by accidentally witnessing a very passionate kiss inside our house...) that my mother was having affairs. The image is still very much alive as though I’d seen it yesterday. It is a very lonely place to be to discover such a secret as a child and I subsequently developped neurological troubles which I am in no doubt were a consequence. I also had problems with my relationships with boys as a teenager.
My view is that your friend really needs to talk to her husband and they need to make sure the children don’t ‘stumble’ on it.
Don’t worry too much, just listen. It will be helpful for her to confide in someone who isn’t going to judge her.

[Bounty]

Everyone knows that the more people you tell, the more likelihood of your affair being exposed It’s more than likely that your friend subconsciously wants her affair to be discovered and unfortunately has chosen you to do the honours .
You should keep schtum.This would be just about acceptable because of your long standing friendship, but you should let her know what a stupid selfish cow she’s been to put you in this dreadful position

[coldatchristmas]

Sorry I think that I must be missing something. A close friend shares something with you and your suggestion is to call her names. I'm not sure that she confided to have her story told to all and sundry at all although it is of course one very valid viewpoint.

I agree with boyswillbeboys. Try not to judge, lives are very different in private and people in happy relationships don't have affairs - make a mistake yes - affairs no.

I think that you need to suggest that she gets some professional help to help her work her way through her situation as one way or another it does need resloving. 

That said I think that the holiday will be tricky and quite stressful for you and her.

Hope that it is all resolved as soon as possible.

CAC

[Bounty]

The “name calling” was tongue in cheek but I speak from experience. To place your best friend in such an awkward situation is unforgivable. She is not sharing a problem or asking for help or advice -on the contrary she is is boasting about having an affair. She could end the affair if she wanted to, or carry on and ask her husband for a divorce. But I suspect she wants the cake. Yes , people sometimes marry the wrong person but that is not an excuse to be deceitful and ride roughshod over the feelings of friends and family who still love them. If this friend has dragged you into web of deceit then there’s no reason why she can’t be judged

[NVNV]

    

[NVNV]

    

[K1999]

I have been on the receiving end of this situation and I promise you, I would have preferred for someone to be honest with me rather than feel like you could be the last one to find out.  Having an affair can be the most hurful thing someone can do in a marriage and not to be taken lightly.  I think it is very sad that your friend feels this is the solution to her problems rather than leaving an unhappy marriage or to seek marriage counselling. And I feel for you having been put in this situation in the first place.  She may well be either wanting to boast about her exciting affair, or she is worried about what might happen if she gets caught.  For you to be dragged into this is such a tough situation to be in as your loyalty is now being tested, and you may feel forced to take sides.  Plus it can make you feel somehow complicit just being involved which of course you are not.  I would be totally honest with her, and that may include the fact that you are not happy being put in this situation (even if you are still showing that you are still her friend and not judging her - if that makes sense), as I feel that your being honest will help you to feel you can still be her friend, but not compromising yourself at the same time.