Gosh this is a really interesting thread; I'm impressed with the candour with which posters have shared their experiences and opinions- - thank you all! Before anyone flames ME, btw, I would respectfully request that you don't have to jump down my throat or anyone's in order to express your opinion about what I'm about to say. We may all have strong gut reactions to other people's posts, but we can choose to respond thoughtfully and recognising that we all walk in our own shoes and not other peoples...
I have been involved in various aspects of extra marital activities: my (x)husband has had more casual sex with women (fatherof6 - it might tickle you to know that he was working his socks off in finance at the time
..) than even I know about. He admitted that he couldn't say no, although it was apparently always the women who made a move on him....*coughs discreetly*.
In my relationship before my (x)husband, my partner and I BOTH had affairs/sex outside our relationship. Not at first, but really we were only together because we had a child (unexpectedly and very young) - and we simply should never had stayed together. That partner was having a relationship with a much younger (and totally gorgeous and fit) woman but wouldn't admit it. I was so lonely and NOT IN LOVE with him, that I had a series of casual relationships (And some very good, enlightening sex I might add) whilst neither he nor I would bite the bullet and end our relationship.
After becoming a total work widow to my husband, who was not only workaholic but an extremely heavy drinker, and having two children with him, it became apparent to me that I was only ever seeing him (and he was usually drunk then) for about an hour a week. We were living on a building site (for years and years and years), I'd given up work to be a SAHM (mutual agreement), and it had gone horribly horribly wrong. We didn't even have a relationship to work on, really.
His idea of what I should be doing was "staying at home and cleaning, cooking, looking after the baby" (I've toned it down), When I started my own business because he gave me no housekeeping (because he'd mortgaged himself up to the hilt, was living on credit card shuffling and needed all of his money to buy share options), he told me that it was a waste of my time and that I should get back to the housework.
Hmmmm. Something had to give.
I'd got myself married with this utterly unrealistic view that getting married would genuinely be the icing on the cake, would give stability to future children, would knit me into middle class acceptability that I'd been brought up to aspire to (my mother was thrilled) and that my husband also aspired to (we're both middleclass, privately educated, etc), etc. So this was the RIGHT THING TO DO, OBVIOUSLY.....
God, I was
so wrong. I am just as responsible for the complete disaster of a marriage (that ended up including violence, sexual assaults, etc) as my husband was. But I kept plodding on, burying my head in being busy with my babies, my business, church activities, housework, etc., telling myself that this was what marriage was about, - a long term commitment, the rough with the smooth, etc.. What a schmuck.
I was avoiding the fact that neither of us could communicate effectively nor honestly nor non-confrontationally. I was avoiding the fact that I really didn't enjoy sex with him that much, if at all. It had become completely perfunctory. It was a relief to have this time on my own I now realise - it probably kept us together longer that it should have otherwise!
So I found some solace (and musical enjoyment) in my local church. This was a source of conflict too, btw. And then, one day, I met the person who would utterly change my life. Really, UTTERLY.
She was new to the church, in a relationship and looking for new friends. I was there. I became her new friend. And then, after a few months of increasingly close friendship, I realised that I was completely smitten with her.
To cut a long story short, we became involved in a sexual relationship (
) and we both absolutely swore we'd NEVER leave our respective partners and this was just a fling, etc, etc.
WRONG AGAIN. After a year of knowing her and then becoming involved with her, I knew I was in love (and it was mutual). We spent as much time as possible together and she made my heart sing a brand new song. Turned my life upside down and inside out, really.
I told my husband about her. He already knew we were close friends and he knew her too. We ended up trying a menage a trois (really) but it didn't work because my husband was just in the way and I was too scared to admit it.
It got nasty between him and me - but I won't dwell on that - it was both our fault/responsibility.
In the end, I left him, she'd already left her girlfriend and we (she and I ) are in a long term relationship that is in the open to everyone. We really are deeply in love.
I realise my experience is probably not typical of anyone else's experience here (although maybe it is...?) - and that discovering my sexuality wasn't quite what I'd assumed it was all those years (which explains now why I found straight sex so totally unfulfilling...sigh!) puts a different complexion on things from most of the posters. It also rather draws a line under the possibility of returning to my marriage!
So for me, there was more than marital neglect (and co-dependency and god knows what else) going on in my marriage to push me into the arms of another; there was also my discovery of my sexuality.
But I guess after all this rambling what I'm trying to say is: I KNOW that I have caused a lot of heartache to my husband, who until very recently, would have had me back like a shot and would have dumped his girlfriend for me. I am so sorry for the tears he has shed and the desperation he has felt. I am so sorry for the disruption it's caused to my children's relationship with their father. He (chooses to) hardly ever see them - although this is very slowly, tentatively improving. I am sorry for getting married in the first place, actually, given that I now realise I'd been barking up the wrong tree for years. And there's nothing my husband can do about that one, I afraid.
My husband and I have been in "understanding what went wrong" therapy together for over a year now, btw. And I've been in individual therapy for longer than that (he approved of this, thinking it would turn me straight !).
Be very very careful before you embark upon an extra marital affair. Ask yourself why it is easier/more exciting, etc to try the thrill of the new than to reinvigorate your relationship with the person you married. Ironic that I should be saying that, I guess - but these are things that I have struggled with myself. I feel very sad to have a failed marriage. That is NOT what I had in mind when I married him. I am appalled that I have hurt him so much.
I do think that that you have to be able to be very strictly compartmentalised in your life if you are going to have an affair - both emotionally and practically speaking. You are going to have to remember every lie you've told, ALL the time, forever. You are going to have to remember to use the right name (!) to the right person, you are going to live a life of at least two halves, if not even most disconnected than that. What if if your fling is a parent locally?! Never, ever, meet up in your home territories unless nobody knows you. You'll be fretting over texts, emails, evidence of extra marital activities of any sort. Don't start changing your appearance. Don't start looking/being happier - your husband will smell a rat instantly. Believe me, the pressure can be quite intense - and sure the buzz and ego trip of being fancied is very seductive and enjoyable - but when I was embarking on my first round of infidelity, I finally realised that I was the one who was looking for love still, I was the one who felt cheapened and lost even more of my self esteem, I was the one who felt hollow and ashamed of myself. The guys I had sex with, on the other hand, had a very nice time and went back to their wives...
Sorry so long - but I feel quite experienced in this area. Not that I'm proud of it - it's taken me to meet an amazing woman to turn my life round into something I can live with pride, however hard it is to be a newly out mum at the school gates.
I hope this helps anyone who's in doubt about affairs (And their sexuality, too). DM me if you like.
