What do you do? Post Reply

[MumSW17]

How do you feel about this question...

"What do you do (for a living)?"

I was just wondering how it makes you feel, having to define what you do as being a mum...and does being a mum count? because you are 'being' and not 'doing' or is it both?

Have you ever found yourself explaining what you did before becoming a mum, for example "I used to be a marketing director/accountant/lawyer etc" instead of what you are doing now...

The thought was sparked by a recent conversation I had with a new mum, and the urgency she felt to get back to work... does want you do define who you are?

Please share your thoughts

[shellbell83]

A ''MUM'' is the most important job in the whole world. Its full time, 24, 7 no break, no rest bite, no 40 hour a week..
Ur bringing the next generation up, teaching, playing, comforting, loving ur child. Whats more important and special than that?
Asked what u do, u should respond with a very proud 'im a mum'

[abbevillemum]

I am always very proud to say I am a stay at home Mum and I am also very grateful that I am lucky enough to have the choice. I would rather be defined as "just a mum" than anything else that's for sure!

[ckid]

When I have had my first daughter I gave up work to look after her. I was 34. I had previously been on the Board of an Advertising Agency and worked as a Marketing Director. When people had asked me what I did, they had always seemed impressed. It sounded high-powered and a bit glamourous.

When I had my daughter I felt certain I wanted to look after. I had climbed the work ladder and realised that it was a bit over-rated and felt that if I had to sit in a meeting at 8pm while someone put my child to bed, I'd be driving a pencil through my hand in frustration. I wanted to be the one to look after her. I was good at my job, but I realised that looking after my own child was the one job that NO-ONE else in the world was more qualified to do.

However, I can remember being at a the first social gathering I attended after becoming a mum and giving up work. I realised that after introductions, "What do you do?" is the second question anyone asks you. The first time I told someone I was staying at home to look after my new baby, I saw their eyes glaze over and they scanned the room for someone more interesting to talk to.

We are defined in this country by what we do. It seems that you are afforded more status if you go back to work to look after someone else's child, than stay at home to look after your own. After the initial shock, I have to say I got over it. I knew I had made the decision to stay at home for all the right reasons. I don't regret it. As the old cliche goes, "no-one lies on their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time at the office".

My kids are now both at school and I have retrained as an interior designer. I've been lucky enough to find work in this difficult economy, but i'm not as monetarily ambitious as I used to be. I still want to make it to the kids' assemblies and watch them be an angel in the nativity play. If you can do it, do it. It's not forever and it is the most difficult, most wonderful role in the world. No-one is more qualified to do it than you.

[nvmof3]

I really struggled with this issue when I first stopped working. I found that people patronised and talked down to me if I told them I was a mum, but I felt, and sounded, uncomfortable and needy saying "but I used to be an investment banker". So my husband and I came to an understanding that if someone was patronising me or dismissive of me (virtually all men and working women I met), he would drop in that I had previously had a brain and a successful career.
But now I don't care at all. I'm well and truly a mum (of 3) and proud of it.
Instead of wanting people to know about my career, i now slightly fear people finding out what I did before in case the conversation switches to banking (yawn) or the city (double yawn), or in case they expect me to be capable of intellectual discussion when all I can muster is gossip about the latest topic on nappy valley!
An for the record, I now find the people who are the most dismissive of those of us who answer the inevitable question with "I'm a mum" are the working mothers.
Be understanding of the new mum you spoke to - it takes a while to settle into the new role when you have your first and to realise that it is the most important job in the world.
Lastly to all full time mothers reading this, please do us all a favour and avoid saying "I'm JUST a mum"!

[jafina]

Well I am very proud to be a SAHM as well BUT i still feel awkward when people ask me "what I do". Because obviously there are lots of women out there who are Mums and neurosurgeons or rocket scientists or whatever and i do feel a bit boring (but not bored) being "just a mum".

Before i had children I did actually think that women who stayed home to look after their children for more than the baby years were a bit dull. Obviously I have changed my mind on this now!

So when someone asks me what I do I tell them that I am a stay at home mum and then wait for the look of boredom or the patronising "that is such an important job" reply. Then I make a joke about the poor pay and long hours and we can move on to talking about books or something

[mumoftwo]

I'm a mum of two (as you can tell from my name!) and I work too, 4 days a week. But believe me, when I speak to other mums and find that they look after their kids full time, I do not look down on them in the slightest - in fact I look at them in awe.

It IS the hardest and most important job in the world and I am constantly wracked with guilt about the fact that I just found it too hard to do 24/7. Although my job is demanding too, it's in a totally different way, and I go there for a "rest". I am a much happier more balanced person than I was when I was full time with the kids, my relationship with my husband is better as a result (I think I was jealous of his "escape" route, his conversations with grownups etc etc), and as such, I have to believe that I, personally, am a better mother this way.

I must stress that this is just me - I in no way believe that everyone would be better if they worked. In fact, it's quite the opposite - I feel terribly guilty about the fact that I'm not able to be a full time mum. Others on this thread have said that they feel that society defines them by what they do; well this might be true, but it's also true that society expects all women to adore being mums, to find it comes naturally to them and to find it truly fulfilling. Well I don't, and on my bad days I feel a failure as a result.

So big up to the stay at home mums - I think you're amazing. But also a big up to the working mums - who may not be doing it because they're superwomen, but because they have too....