Left out of a girls holiday to Ibiza Post Reply

[soulsearch]

Ive been a nappyvalley reader for a long time but this is the first time I've posted and I really hope that someone can offer some wisdom.

As background I am a local mum of two and married for over 15 years. As Im sure is the case with many other mums on here I have several groups of friends from uni, work, school etc but the uni one is my oldest and go to ...

Ive had a pretty hectic year, parents ill, work mad etc and have had to miss our last few get togethers. 

We have had a long standing 'wouldn't it be fab if we all went away for a joint 40th' and it is now happening BUT I haven't been included. I have 6 friends headed to a family villa in Ibiza. I am so upset and feel like a teenager thats been left off the party of the year invite list (which to be honest I have) but Im a bit confused as to why and it is making me so miserable.  

The friend who told me it was happening was clearly embarrassed that I didnt know about it and to be honest it all got very awkward.

I really dont know what to do?

[rubyonrails]

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this awful position. I guess there are some practical reasons why you might not have been invited. Space being the most obvious. I guess if you haven’t been able to meet up maybe your (not so kind) friends assumed that taking a family villa to save cost might be preferable to booking one - but maybe 6 people was the maximum it would sleep. Not very kind at all but sometimes finance trumps?
Are you sure that you haven’t been invited and didn’t reply and so others pushed on if they didn’t hear back from you? That happened to my husband once re a skiing holiday - he never received the email which WAS sent as he was shown it ..
Tech can be a killer and if you have been very busy maybe they assumed that you weren’t interested if they never received a reply?
Is it just you left out or are they’re others?

It seems very harsh to me

So sorry again.

X

[Happy Valley]

Often it feels like we ought to be able to take this sort of thing on the chin when we're adults, but I can absolutely understand how you feel. Maybe you should ask them why you weren't invited, otherwise it might eat you up for ages. It would me.

Good luck

[pie81]

I had a similar experience a few years back. Very hurtful and disappointing at the time but ultimately it made me recognise I’d always been peripheral to that particular group, it wasn’t the first time I’d been left out of things. Fair enough there are always some people closer than others. Since then I’ve focused my socialising and friendship energies on other groups and to be honest, have been happier for it. I hope for your sake it was an error but if not then perhaps it’s time to focus on other friends...

[Kirstie’s Mom]

I agree with what pie81 said . Life is too short to be hurt by so called friends who really aren’t . It is hurtful so you have a few choices: focus on friends who are not hurtful; or ask the women who’s Villa they are staying in why you weren’t included. If she says because of numbers you learn you are peripheral to the group . I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction to know that you were hurt but say you knew about the trip, had penciled it in in your diary but given you had heard no more wanted to make other plans but confirm that you weren’t included before you did . Just be very business like about it because there actually could have been a mistake made. And if there wasn’t you know where you stand .

[K1999]

I am so sorry you have experienced this, and I know how it feels, it really can revert you back to the school ground feelings of rejection!  What I learnt was that I probably valued their friendships more than they valued mine, and it was a harsh lesson to learn that not everyone views friendships the same way as I do. If you want to mend this I would seriously consider having a heart to heart with any of them that you feel closer to. It could be a missunderstanding, or you may find that unfortunately you are on the peripheral after all. Either way, at least you will know and won't be left guessing.  If you do find that you are not valued as much as you thought, as hard as that is, at least you will know, and won't be wasting time on them and can focus on your other friends and new friends. Some friendships do move on, and there isn't much we can do about it.  I do hope you manage to resolve it one way or another.  Ulitmately this is not a reflection on you as a person, rather than how friendships can be tricky, messy and not always what we hope for or expect.

[jackiecaterer]

How hurtful for you, I agree that I would ask them why you have been excluded (do you have a group email/whatsapp as if you ask one of them, they will probably deny knowledge/responsibility or pass the buck?). It sounds like you are very upset by this understandably so you do need to know one way or the other. Be braver than I was, my Bestie of 26 years “chucked” me a year or so ago after remarrying. I thought about trying to discuss it with her but know it’s because her new husband doesn’t like to share her with her girl friends, so let it slide to a point that our friendship won’t be recovered. Good luck, let us know how you get on x

[soulsearch]

Many thanks to you ALL for replying, you have made me feel a whole lot better. Pie81 I am sorry that you have suffered a similar experience. After some thinking I have decided to email one of the girls I am closest to and do as Kirsties Mom suggests and be quite business like about it all. I feel I would like to know why and this is probably the best way. I did think about trying to meet one of the girls but I just feel this may get too awkward and emotional (for me anyway).
Thank you all again, I really appreciate it. Have lovely weekends.

[K1999]

How hurtful for you, I agree that I would ask them why you have been excluded (do you have a group email/whatsapp as if you ask one of them, they will probably deny knowledge/responsibility or pass the buck?). It sounds like you are very upset by this understandably so you do need to know one way or the other. Be braver than I was, my Bestie of 26 years “chucked” me a year or so ago after remarrying. I thought about trying to discuss it with her but know it’s because her new husband doesn’t like to share her with her girl friends, so let it slide to a point that our friendship won’t be recovered. Good luck, let us know how you get on x

How sad, and it must have really hurt your feelings.  It also concerns me as guys who are controlling often isolate their partners from friends and family. I have been in this position myself (although I didn't stop seeing my friends and family). There is a lot of shame that comes with it and having a friend who is non-judgemental, even if you are no longer in contact with them, may well be the person they reach out to when they really need the support.
 

[soulsearch]

Don't know what I was hoping to receive but this was the reply 'You just haven't been around that much and x parents said we could use their villa and saving money seemed wise so we just booked it without really thinking which must seem very rude but no offense meant I promise. There will be other trips. I'll make sure the others know you would like to come next time.'

Feeling very insignificant.

Thanks again for all of your support.

 

[faybian]

I think they probably didn't think about it too much, out of sight tends to be out of mind and they probably assumed that as you hadn't come to the meetings you weren't that interested. It doesn't sound like there was a deliberate attempt to exclude you, you just weren't there when they planned it. Planning things is very hard to organise and when it works it all tends to happen quite quickly and take on a life of its own. If you like these people then see if you can book a villa nearby and join them for some of the time. Let them know you were really sorry to have missed the meetups and you would love to be able to join in. I can't see why they would have a problem if you can organise something. Go for it!
 

[Sea Hibiscus]

Hm. It does seem inconsiderate. I highly doubt they would admit to 'leaving you out' anyway.

I would focus on other friends.

[maze]

My wife is in a friendship group like yours and they all chat via WhatsApp, share pics, stories and arrange regular meet ups. There’s one girl in the group that generally cancels last minute and rarely responds to the messages. It miffs my wife no end and now when this girl does respond or cancels, no-one responds to her or says sorry she can’t make it. My wife is better friends with a smaller contingent within that group and often meets them on the side - I know they’re all slightly insulted and offended by the one that rarely responds - in reality this girl is having a pretty rough time and isn’t coping so well so it feels a bit harsh but she doesn’t help herself by being aloof and constantly cancelling with breezy excuses.
She could fix it though by turning up and being the person they all used to like. I know they’d all want to see her and would soon forget being slighted.
In general I think long term friendships can feel like a support network but if you draw on them too much without giving back and the give/take balance gets out of whack then you will lose that group support.. the love you get from friends is not unconditional and forever.
Re Ibiza I think you have to let that one go. Decide if you really want to be friends with these girls and if so, make the effort to be the good friend you used to be, get the balance back by making effort to turn up and be happy and take real interest in them and their lives for the first few meet ups. Apologise and build bridges and you’ll find the love coming back to you I’m sure. If you feel you don’t have the time or energy to do that then you know you have to let the whole thing go and focus your energy on other relationships. Good luck

[Kirstie’s Mom]

What a F**kwit of a response . I wouldn’t want a friend that insensitive and selfish - nor spend time with her . She sounds like the woman I encountered at Broomwood - never worked , always complaineing about her husband and basically a bore. Think of it as a lucky escape

[NVNV]