teenage boy staying over with girlfriend Post Reply

[whoopsydaisy]

My eldest son who will turn seventeen next month is in his first serious relationship with a girl, she is a similar age. He has asked me a couple of times if they could stay in the same room when she has stayed over but I have resisted. He is now staying at her house next weekend and I have had a call from her mum to check that we are ok for them to stay together as she is.  I want to say I am not but I just don't know if that is  unreasonable. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

[rubyonrails]

I think it's lovely that the mother asked you and I think that given she has asked, if you don't feel comfortable then say so. 
There was a conversation in my (extended) family about this just recently. The general feeling seemed to be that you have to be careful how soon you commit to allowing teens to stay over together. Some of my family regretted their laid back decisions and wished they had held out a bit longer given that relationships had come and gone several times over thereafter. 

[Hawthorne4]

It wouldn't even occur to me to say yes to this request! 

Let's be honest- the request is whether or not they can have sex.  If you're not comfortable granting your permission I wouldn't hesitate to ask that they have separate sleeping arrangements.  Whether they are or are not doing it anyway is another matter- this is a question of whether or not the parents are willing to help facilitate!  That's one step too far in my parenting book.  But I have an antiquated outlook....  good luck. x

 

[lalectrice]

Would you rather they had sex in a safe, comfortable environment or in the park, a car, a room at a teenage party etc.? If it's happening at the girlfriend's house you don't even have to be uncomfortably aware of the closed door. They are young adults and will do what they want to do regardless of parents. Better to be supportive and someone to confide in if needed than mildly disapproving.

[whoopsydaisy]

Thank you so much for all of your replies they are much appreciated. I hear you laletrice and i am willing myself to feel this way but i just can't. I think that part of the reason is that I have two daughters, both younger and i just know I wouldn't be able to support this route at this age.

[lalectrice]

I think that's totally fair enough. For what it's worth I also have daughters and used to feel the same as you do. I changed my mind though after re-reading my own teenage diaries!

[Hawthorne4]

I think if parents consent they are telling their children they are ready- which I just don't believe is true for teenagers.  It's hard enough a stage in life and here we are throwing sex into the mix? 

When you have sex- you are engaging in the most physically and emotionally intimate moments of your life.  You may think you're doing your teens a favour by giving them a clean bed and condoms but you're sending them down a road they aren't capable of navigating- and for what, so you can say you were a more understanding parent then your own? 

Sometimes our children need to be protected from their own instincts by adults who know better.  It may not make you popular with them or with other parents who don't see it this way but, if you set boundaries and treat sex like the precious act it is your kids might as well and thank you in the long run.  

[Beancounter]

 We have a small house and when my daughter wanted to have her boyfriend stay over we said fine, as long as he's prepared to meet myself or your father stark naked on the landing because we've forgotten he's there.   He didn't stay.......

[LastMumStanding]

In my experience - 17 year olds in 2019 have to handle much more mature and complex influences and pressures than we were exposed to 20-30 years ago.

You will be allowing him private space and time to pursue and develop intimacy with his girlfriend. It is impossible for a 17 year old to have this without some degree of consent from an adult. This is essential for their first sexual encounters to be ones of mutual respect, enjoyment and self discovery. You have the chance to give him this gift - along with the conversations that are an essential part of parenting a young man in this day and age - which will safeguard him from harmful allegations and pave the way to a life of sexual fulfilment, pleasure and genuine respect and intimacy.

Or you can leave them to grab moments where they can, rushing, in fear of being disturbed, in cold and discomfort - I know what I would have wanted myself and what I wanted for my sons and daughter.

[dudette]

This seems a perfect opportunity to have a chat with your son. Has he already had sex with her (I would assume so!), what contraception are they using etc? How will they feel if/when they split up?  I'm inclined to agree with those who say you should let him. If it were my daughter I wouldn't be happy about the idea of her having sex somewhere other than a safe and secure environment so I can see why her parents are happy for this to happen. He's 17 - in a year he could be at university and therefore doing it where and when he likes without you knowing. Saying no is not going to stop them if that's what they're doing, it's just going to move the venue. If they haven't started having sex then maybe then you could say no and that you think they ought to wait, but I rather think that particular horse has bolted.

[Monion]

He’s over 16 which is the age the law has decided is acceptable, and as others have pointed out if they want to have sex they will be doing it somewhere. Far better to be open about an activity which is legal and normal at this age. The most important thing with teenagers is to keep lines of communication open and if they feel you are being judgemental they won’t talk to you if any problems arise. There is a legal problem if the girl isn’t 16 yet but I assume she is.

[Needcoffeenow]

Agree younger children complicates it. We said OK to stay at partner’s home if invited but said couldn’t have them staying at ours until they were nearer 18, especially as our youngest was nearly 7 years younger. They understood and I’m sure had sex at pur house the moment we went out! And agree absolutely that lines of communication have to be kept open. It’s a fact that this generation have sex at a younger age and it’s sensible to strike a balance.

[TFP]

This request isn’t asking for consent to a physical relationship [which teenagers will always find a way to engage in whilst they can], it’s asking for consent to pseudo-matrimony/ living together [on a PT basis]. I’d definitely say no. At that age life should be mostly about friendships, learning to live independently, etc.

[K1999]

I have 2 teenagers, and when the eldest wanted her boyfriend to stay over, I decided it would be better to have her at home, safe, than outside in the park or in the back of a car. So, firstly I checked that she was happy and it wasn’t down to the boyfriend putting any pressure on her. Then I checked she had contraception (I went with her to get the 3 year implant) and that she was aware of the risk of STD’s etc (she was fully aware). It also meant that I got to know the boyfriend well. She ended up going out with him for over a year.

[headshrinker]

I think it’s lovely that they are being upfront and asking for permission to do this. It shows maturity and honesty. The trouble with denying them this is that it will force them to become dishonest (because, as many people have pointed out, they are having sex with or without your approval!) and sneak around behind your back. To be honest, they probably won’t be going crazy with someone’s mum a few doors away anyway. There are so many teenagers being totally irresponsible about sex, you should count yourself lucky that your kid is one of the sensible ones!
You don’t have to let it happen under your roof but if the GF’s mum is OK with it, then isn’t it great that they have somewhere safe to be together?