Separated and going on holiday? Post Reply

[Earlsfield1980]

Hi all, I’ve separated from my husband and we are in the process of divorcing.
He moved out a few weeks ago but we have a holiday booked for October half term.
We’ve got five year old twins and we are still planning to go. Is this a daft idea? Will it mess with the kids?
Would it be better if one of us went with them?

[thedecorcafe]

I separated from my husband and subsequently divorced 17 years ago. At the time my son was 7 and my twin girls 5.
We also had a holiday booked and decided to go anyway. It was really hard. I felt sick inside every day. But we held it together and from there we managed to continue to do things as a family from time to time and now, all this time later we both have our own relationships and also still a sense of family with the children.
I dont think there is a right or wrong answer. It will depend on what each of you feels and how you can behave. You do have to look after you too. I wish you luck now and for the future. Debbie x

[NoodleFan]

Really sorry to hear that.
If you’re amicable towards one another then I guess it might work... but if either of you (or both) are angry or upset I would give it a miss.
I do get that you might want the support with 5 year old twins but it wouldn’t be much of a holiday for any of you if you’re upset/arguing all the time.
Good luck.

[this_is_cat]

It probably depends why you split.

If he has had an affair and is going to spend the entire time messaging his mistress, I can’t imagine it would do your mental health any good.
If it’s an amicable mutual split, it will probably be easier to deal with.

Can you at least get separate rooms so the children aren’t too confused and you have your own space?

[rubyonrails]

A friend of mine went on a holiday like this just after her husband moved out. She said it was a bit odd but really good for the children to see that they (parents) were still very together as far as the children were concerned. As mentioned they had separate rooms so as not to confuse their brood. I *think* that they have done it since.

I do think it depends on whether you feel that you will cope. It can't be an easy decision, best of luck with it.

[Scottov]

I think it depends on how you feel about the split and your aspirations for a constructive co-parenting relationship going forward

[bigbrownbear3]

Hello. Firstly I am sorry that you are going through this. I am too, and as amicable as it is, it's not fun. My view is that it would be better for you not to go as a family. First and foremost, I think it will confuse your children, however friendly you are. I have a 6 year old and it's taken a while for her to understand that Daddy isn't coming home, because we have a such a good and friendly relationship. Secondly, no matter how inevitable, I don't think that anyone wants to get divorced - going on holiday together might be incredibly painful for you / him and possibly confuse things if there is a possibility of a reconciliation. Thirdly, bizarre at it sounds, going on holiday with just the kids can be surprisingly relaxing. I have been doing it for two years now, with three - they were 10,7 and 5 the first time - and it was a great opportunity for us to bond as a four and get used to the new reality away from home.  It's not to say that I didn't have the odd moment... good luck with it all, I am sure that you will make the right decision for you all.
 

[balhamtwinmum]

I feel your pain. I separated a year ago.

We had a holiday to oz planned and decided not to go. I think that all the advice you have been given is sensible , but you have to do what is right for you. What I would say is the reason we decided not to go was
a) didn't want it to send the wrong message to the children
b) i just couldn't face the thought of having to pretend that we were a happy family when we weren't 
c) when things have calmed a little, and it will get easier - if amicable you will be able to spend days such as their birthdays together. 

All I would say, is that if you have any doubts go with your gut instinct and trust that you will me making a sensible decision either way. I would do what is right for you, sadly, the children are upset anyway and whether you go on holiday or not as family is irrelevant. 
I wish you luck x x

[Forgetmenot]

I am really sorry that you are going through this. I am also, although have no holidays booked. Sadly my ex has decided not to be friendly and does not want to do any family socials together, whilst I was still fine to be amicable (even though he is the one who caused the divorce). So to be honest, if you can continue in some sort of friendly basis, it will make things so much easier. I do hope you manage to sort this out, and I wish you all the very best.

[Chucka]

Retrouvaile have saved so many couples- even who were pretty sure there the experience would only confirm them that their marriage really was not in the category of a potential future.  I have not been there (yet!) but just wanted to throw that in the mix in case helpful.  Good luck with whatever decision you make regarding the holiday. Keep hopeful.  You are so blessed to have beautiful children.  It would be wonderful to give your marriage every chance if you think your husband might agree to give it a try - even as one last request.
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