MIL stayed for 2 months over Christmas and is back in 5 months Post Reply

[Bondi]

We waved my mother in law off on Tuesday after an extended Christmas visit.  Since I was pregnant with our second  child and unable to make the long flight to Australia she upped her annual visit to twice a year but the trips are getting longer each time. 
 This year she was supposed to fly home towards the end of Jan but a few days before she was due to leave she announced that would love to join us for our skiing trip. Doesn't see snow etc.
 I appreciate that my husband is making a big sacrifice by being so far away from his family and I know that we are lucky that his mother will come so far to visit but I just don't think I can repeat this again and am already dreading the summer and whether a month will again turn into two.
 I feel very mean but part of my frustration comes from the fact that my mother in law visits in school holidays. I am a teacher so that means she is here with me and not my husband for the most part. If there are any other mums out there who have been in a similar position and could share any advice on how I can change this situation with minimum offence I would be very grateful. 

[muddyboots]

I feel for you and stop feeling like the bad guy in this situation.
I think it was quite rude of her to impose on your ski holiday like that.
You need to tell your husband how you feel then he needs to steer this in a positive way. It’s best in my experience that the in-laws are dealt with via the “child”.
You need to set boundaries.
It’s perfectly acceptable to want your own space and totally reasonable to know the duration of a stay even if family.
Get your husband to establish how long she will stay for in the summer and make it clear that you don’t expect any changes to this.
He needs to get involved and don’t make yourself the silent sufferer and make it clear how you feel.

[Mimita]

Put yourself in your MIL's shoes or your husband's shoes. If you had a son that lived thousands of miles away, would you not want to take every opportunity you can to spend some time with him and his family? Or if the tables were turned and you lived in Australia, would you think it reasonable for your husband to bar your family from seeing you and spending time with you? You are being selfish. Yes it's your home and you can choose who stays in your home, but don't complain if your actions affect your marriage. What if something happened to her and she couldn't visit anymore your husband will never forgive you for not letting her stay. And if your husband thinks you don't want his mother around you are creating some bad blood. They are obviously close otherwise she wouldn't visit regularly or stay for long. Some battles are just not worth taking on. Also, know that you will be teaching your children how to treat you when you are old. Don't complain when you become an isolated old person because you've taught you children that family isn't important. This is a situation you can change but with consequences. I hope having an extra pair of hands when the baby is born would help you appreciate you MIL's visits more.

[dudette]

We travel to fairly exotic places a lot and I can pretty much guarantee that wherever we go there will be a coach load of loud, elderly Australians hogging the queue at the breakfast buffet. Our friends down under certainly like to travel! So I have every sympathy that you have to put up with one of these hogging your house for two months at a time. I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. If anything this woman is - if you add up the number of hours on just one of these trips she spends with you it’s way more than I have probably spent with my mother-in-law in total in two decades! You definitely need to sort this out and it’s your husband’s responsibility to deal with it. Otherwise you’re just going to have to make it a bit more obvious she’s not welcome for so long. Do you have parents still alive? Maybe get one of them to come and join you while she’s here so you don’t have to put up with her on your own. But you do need an honest conversation with your husband and you need to reach some sort of compromise. Can you afford to pay for a couple of flights so she comes more frequently but for less often? And when she does come can you make the most of having her there by delegating chores, cooking, babysitting etc to her so you don’t feel so resentful? I’m sure there’s a way to sort this so you make your feelings know without hurting her feelings. The fault lies with her, not you so be brave.

[Needcoffeenow]

Unfortunately men very often allow situations to develop that they probably know are going to go down badly with their wives or partners and then just do nothing about it. I have every sympathy Bondi. Can your husband be persuaded to start the conversation with his mother about this? Maybe sit down with him first and work how he will put it, what her likely responses might be and how he would respond. Mine I know would make some ridiculous ‘oh well in that case I’ll never visit you again’ answer. He also needs to make it clear this is an issue concerning both of you so you avoid him putting all the blame on you. But having a joint strategy will make you feel better.

[GigiBuffon]

You are a stronger woman than I, to have your MiL stay for so long. And twice a year. You should feel incredibly proud for doing so, given the fact that you are the one who takes the brunt of it. I find my MiL so difficult that 1 night is a feat of endurance for me.

I hope your husband recognises what a huge labour of love you are making to accommodate her because I think - if I read between the lines a little - that he is being too casual about this.

Is your MiL young / enterprising enough to do some sightseeing on her own, and go on a tour around the U.K.? Can it be suggested to her that she breaks up her stay in your house by going away for a bit / staying with other friends? I’m clutching at straws here.

I think your husband is the one to say a blanket “no” to her making extensions of her trip in future, when she raises it. And should be firmer from the off, when she plans a trip, to set boundaries that you are both comfortable with. Eg. Making sure you have at least 2 weeks of holiday when she is not staying.

I’m guessing he has no siblings?

Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

[Bondi]

Thanks so much for all of your replies.

My MIL is very lovely and I really would hate to upset her but she is very dependant on me when she is here which means that I don't get to do some of the things that I would like to do with my siblings and friends and our collective children.

Mimita my guilt comes from the reasons that you have suggested but spending 3 possibly 4 months a year with my MIL is just too long. 

GigiBuffon I did ask her last year about if she would like us to book something for her but it wasn't well received. I could suggest it again I suppose. In answer to your other question my husband has a sister in Aus who lives close to her and I think feels that she does her bit. I do get that.

Thank you so much for all of the thoughts and suggestions. I think it's one for my husband to address.

[Skin]

I have family abroad but my in laws live far too. I can sympathise as they always stay with us when they visit.
Things that have really helped me to not only improve but actually look forward to their visit;
1. Specify the amount of stay and be clear if something doesn’t work for me. “I would love it if you stayed longer but I was hoping for this week to be special mama time” is something shared with both set of parents. I explain the kids love them so much they do not pay me attention, and I crave that on my holidays. Both grandmas were amazing when I explained that.
2. Ask them to visit when I need help: busy time at work, social parties I have to go to etc. Just be honest and ask her to come at dates that will be helpful
3. Grandparents want to help; ask them to help. I used to get very frustrated when people visited because they needed looking after. You would be surprised how little they need you if you ask them to help kindly. My mom doesn’t even speak the language and she still runs errands/ take kids to playgroups
4. Go on dates / night away with other half?

Summary is: you at SO lucky to have in laws who want to help. Be clear on what you need and it will work itself out.

Good luck x
3.

[Bondi]

Thank you SKIN I will speak to my husband and weave some of this to a plan. 

[Beancounter]

My mother lived 300 miles away in this country. She came to stay once a year for two weeks. We spoke on the phone every week. It was quite enough.
My MIL lived in Wales and would come for a week. My husband would deliver her and disappear for the duration ie no responsibility for taking her out/talking to her at all.
You need to talk to your husband. Is he in the UK to get away from his mother???

[Scientist]

I have a slight allergic reaction to my mother in law, which develops into quite a severe reaction in some circumstances. She lives thousands of miles away overseas and dotes on her grandchildren, relishing the opportunity to come to see us and spend time with them. But she would never impose herself on us for that length of time, let alone several times per year. I make it clear to my other half (who understands my feelings perfectly well) that the mother in law is not my responsibility and that I will be friendly, civil, helpful etc., as well as join in wherever possible, but there is a limit. This arrangement seems to work fairly well. But in your case I think you need to have a frank conversation with your other half and explain clearly what will and will not work for you in the future. Good luck. 

[Jugglingmummy]

Hello - I think lots of the advice is very helpful above. My husband and I have the same situation only it's my mother who visits from Australia twice a year for extended periods and my husband is the teacher! My husband and I both love my mum but I'm very mindful of making sure we keep harming in our house and we "tweak" the timetable every year to accommodate my mum, our two kids and ourselves. Here is what has worked for us
1. Firstly be totally honest with your husband, communication which comes from him will be much better received
2. You and your husband drive the timetable - "we are so excited to have you over again this year, with the new baby on the way, the best time for us is xxx and how does 5 weeks sound? Gives us lots of time together but we also I need to make sure I've got enough time with the baby:and or we are going to do a very quiet family holiday/are seeing friends etc year so let's us fit that in..
3. Then if that is the right amount of time - I always say 5 weeks was perfect, shall we plan the xmas one as well now...
4. Try to make the most of it and go away for a night or a weekend with your husband ... she will love looking after the kids (a newborn may of course make this harder!)
5. Find the couple of things that she can help with - school run or school pick up, small errands. That will give you a little time to yourself
6. Ask your husband to take her out one or two days or evenings (a show, local dinner, or a fun day trip with your firstborn)
7. Next time she asked to extend - get your husband be very firm - we would love you to but we've had this trip etc planned for awhile. Next year should we change the dates a bit so that we can try to fit in skiing?
8. I love the suggestion about saying that the kids love their grandmas so much that you don't always get a look in

Good luck - you sound like a truly wonderful daughter in law who is really trying for your MIL and your husband and family. It is lovely that you really want to find a way to make things work - best of luck!

[Lizzywhizzy]

Try thinking about it another way round. How would you feel if you lived in Aus and your husband felt the same way about your mother? She is obviously getting older and in a few years time will not be up to travelling. Devise a routine that allows her to enjoy her grandchildren and allows you some free time. I did not have a great deal in common with my p.i.l but it was non negotiable that they came on our annual long haul holiday. My children loved it. Once I accepted the inevitable it was less stressful.

[Lulu1172]

I am South African and have every sympathy for your plight. Both my parents and my in-laws come for extended periods every year and it's knackering playing host to people for so long. That said, I do understand they get limited time with their grandchild and clearly it's a huge and costly process for them to travel so far. So over the years both my husband (who is also SA) and I have put some guidelines in place. We now ask people to contribute so I'm not cooking etc endlessly behind everyone. We also have gotten much stricter on what time suits us. I prefer help over the long summer holiday months but being as you have that time off ask your MIL to come during school time when the extra pair of hands may be more helpful to you. Also ask your hubby to ask her to contribute to cooking / other activities around the house to ease the load for you. My husband now knows to ask his mum to cook us dinner once or twice a week or so, she'd never ordinarily offer and I feel very uncomfortable asking so he does it. We've also (finally after 20 years) gotten them to ask what dates suit us and we plan that to work around our needs rather than theirs. It's taken years to get there though. Good luck! I do feel your pain as it's a really tricky one to manage.

[NoodleFan]

Sounds like she’s lonely and probably a bit bored - so many older people would benefit from getting out more at home but they are often reluctant to try something new. But that’s no reason to outstay her welcome, which she clearly is. You wouldn’t even want your best friend hanging out with you every day of your holidays let alone your mother in law.

I don’t have any advice to offer but I wanted to say how rude and aggressive I thought one of the replies was. Using harsh language like that is totally unnecessary.

Good luck.