Husband thinks I'm an idiot Post Reply

[Candace_SW_80]

I am a mother to a 3 month old baby. Recently, I found out that my husband has been frequenting escorts and sex clubs. It sounds unbelievable but sadly true.

I have always had trust issues with him, as he feels he doesn't need to tell me where he goes, yet keeps constant tabs on me. This has always been a sore point with us, but I decided to trust him. Especially as we have now had our first child together and he is usually a wonderful husband and father, that I would have no worries.

Anyway, I did the dreaded relationship killer move...I checked his phone. I found msgs from a friend of his, who I have never met, talking about how they had a great time at a club they went to. I searched the name online and found it to be a sex club. This was so shocking to me and my immediate reaction was to confront him, however after thinking LONG AND HARD about everything, I tried to look at the bigger picture. I naively thought that just because he had gone along to this club with his friend, it didn't mean that he actually partook in anything. I have no proof. Secondly, I looked at his phone. I would never have known otherwise.

My main priority however is our child. Although I am disgusted of the thought of what he's getting up to, so soon after the birth of our child, I thought that although I would love to leave my husband, now that I have a child, I have to think about them and I really don't want my child to come from a broken family. So I kept silent...I didn't say anything and my husband is none the wiser.

However, last week he mentioned that he needed to go out. I became suspicious as he was shady on the details. Prior to this, he bought me a gift for no reason except that I'd been a 'great mother and wife'. It seems so cliched now. Anyway, once he returned I went through his phone again and found a text giving him an address. I made a note of the phone number and typed it into Google and found that it was an escort service. I felt sick to my stomach and this time it was really difficult for me to hide my disgust. I immediately became cold with him.

He suspected something was wrong and kept asking if I was ok, to which i responded 'yes' despite wanting to punch him in his face.

He then became withdrawn and moody, that i was in a bad mood! What a bloody cheek! I later looked through his phone and saw that he had deleted the text message. So either he suspected I went through his phone or he just thought it best to erase all evidence.

I gave him the gift back, as I now knew it was purely down to guilt. I didn't make a scene, just that it was not necessary to give me a gift for no real reason. He seemed surprised but accepted my decision.

I FEEL TOTALLY LOST!

I want to leave him. I want out. I work and earn a decent salary, but am on maternity leave, so I am not financially dependent on him. But all i can think about is our child. I desperately dont want to affect his life.

I hate myself because if it was a friend or anyone else, I would be telling them to leave. But now i'm in this position, i see that it's not so easy. I am totally gutted that he's done this, so soon after the most wonderful thing in our lives happened to us.

I don't understand, as my sex drive has always been higher than my husbands! But now I'm questioning everything. I have been nothing but a good understanding wife to him and a great mother to our child, who I love more than anything. He has always loved that I don't nag him or stress him out, so why is he doing this?!

He's still a nice person, which is why this is hard. I know for a fact, not a single person would believe me if I told them. I am keeping this all to myself because I can't talk to anyone, even my best friend. I feel humiliated and know that my friends would tell me to leave him.

He thinks I'm an idiot...I'M NOT! I want him to know what I know, but he will somehow make out I am ruining the family by being nosey and looking through his phone.

I hate him but i have to pretend to carry on.

This is killing me inside but hopefully it will make me stronger. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right??

[JoMcGilchrist]

I'm really sorry to read about your situation Candace. 
Just a consideration but maybe some professional help/counselling/marriage counselling could help, atleast just to organise your thoughts?
I wish you the very best xx

[MagnoliaMum]

My heart goes out to you; you must feel so betrayed. And as you say, at a time when you are vulnerable as you have such a young baby.

I think for a start you need more information, to be able to make any decision on this. Which means confronting your husband about it - find a quiet time and try to just tell him calmly that you know he's been to the club and in contact with the escort service, then just watch and listen to his reaction. Don't let the conversation get diverted to your violation of his privacy (no one is that bothered about privacy if they have nothing to hide!) and try not at this stage to be the one telling him how you feel. You want to see how he responds. If he is full of remorse, understands why you feel upset and can provide a good explanation (friend led him astray, never happened before), then you can hopefully work together over time to re-establish your trust, ideally with the help of counselling as previously suggested. But if he is defensive, telling you that you have nothing to be upset about or that its somehow your fault, then that will give you clues as to whether this will be a continuing pattern if you were to continue the relationship.

Hope that helps you a bit. Good luck!

[wannabeMaryBerry]

Not sure if this will be the case but some people do have a sexual compulsion and if you do stay together (which is a very big if) perhaps this could be something which needs looking at. 

The fact that he keeps constant tabs on you is a red flag. Does he try and control you in other ways? The fact that he went moody with you suggests the possibility that he us using that to control you. Which in itself is wrong.

Just remember you have done nothing wrong. If he tries to blame you for his actions then that is a sign for you that this relationship may not be worth saving. Best of luck. 

[Beancounter]

He is an abuser and will continue to be so while you stay with him.

[Okitsme]

Sounds as though others are making excuses for him.
He cheated, not only on you but also on your baby. Everything about this is wrong and his intent was definitely there... he may not of engaged in anything physically... but the intent was there otherwise you wouldn’t be meeting the go to clubs or meeting an escort.

For ever much it is hard... and on a perfect world you would have the perfect family set up but it’s strained and it’s down to him.

Think for now at least, space is needed. If you keep quiet you will between you create a toxic environment and whilst baby is so young now it will only get worse and become routine... little ones will pick up on the tension way before your even aware that there is one.

You said he’s a good dad... he can continue to be... but husband no, he’s let you down. Either confront, forgive and forget or confront and accept.

You are a strong independent women, good good, good career and good mum... you’ve got this.

[Okitsme]

Oh wow... just seen date of original post.... wonder what happened in the end.....

[Forgetmenot]

Honey, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is awful and a horrid place to be.  I have been there and I totally understand. I was a stay at home mum and so had no independent income. I did stay with my husband for quite a while and all I can tell you is that it is not a fun place to be. Plus I ended up getting angrier and angrier inside and was unable to hide it until finally our relationship broke down and we are now getting divorced. If I had had an independent income, I would have split with him straight away. It may be kinder for your child to do it sooner rather than wait as you could find yourself leaving when the child is already used to having their father around.

He clearly does not respect you, and it seems he thinks it is fine for him to keep secrets but to constantly check up on you, which is very controlling. He may sense that you know something, but frankly I think you should tell him you know, and that you are not prepared to put up with this behaviour. You will end up constantly checking his phone, worrying about where he is, and all of it can erode your self esteem. You sound lovely and you deserve better than this.

[Alectia]

 he will somehow make out I am ruining the family by being nosey and looking through his phone.

This is the wrong position.
Do you feel guilty? I think, no. And this is true. HE made the worst thing in a family life - he cheated on his wife. He is guilty. Not you. And it doesn't matter how you found out that.