Husband doesn't want us to tell the children that he has lost his job Post Reply

[headsandtails]

I'm hoping that someone can advise me on the best way forward.

Sadly my husband's job became his 'old job' at the start of the week.

I feel that we should have a plan on how to tell the children, they are 6, 11 and 13. My husband however wants us to keep the news to ourselves so we 'don't worry everyone', including friends and family. Even my parents who I speak to every day.

I think what he is really saying is that he doesn't want anyone to know as he is possibly feeling embarrassed, undermined etc..

I'm really worried. I think 'hiding' it could be very detrimental to his mental health and only build the situation up to be bigger than it really. I also don't feel its great for our children who I think need to know that life is sometimes not ideal and this is when family and friends become even more important for support etc.

Am i wrong to be encouraging him to share this blow or should I just let him deal with it in his own way? If anyone could offer any advice I would be grateful.

[D&LBalham]

This sounds immensely personal and you can only do what feels right to you.

To me, concealing it can only lead to problems as you may have to make more and more lifestyle changes without being able to tell people why, or worse, having to lie/invent reasons. You may be missing out on the potential support (emotional, mental as well as financial) and understanding that your social and familial circle could otherwise provide.

It’s a hard one to comment on as it’s so unique to the personalities involved.

Best of luck

[ellsbells]

This doesn't sound healthy. IMO children will pick up on something being wrong and worried energy in the house anyway, so not having context for that will be detrimental to them. There's no shame in it when so many people are in the same boat currently. I remember when my dad was made redundant around one of the crashes in the 90's and we spoke about it and we were aware that we had to be a bit careful with money for a while but then he found a job again. It's far healthier for it to be out in the open so the kids can articulate their worries and you can address them.

[Agentsadie]

Just a thought but perhaps he needs a bit of time to digest the news himself? Lots of people rely on their role at work for an element of their self-identitity / validation and he might still be mentally reeling etc. It’s understandable that he wants to protect his family and doesn’t want anyone to worry - perhaps just give him a bit of time for the news to sink in and then between you work out how you’ll plan your finances / tell family and friends etc? Hope this helps - its horrible to go through a redundancy and fingers crossed things work out for you.

[kindfacilitator]

What area of work ?
Any irons in the fire?
Please send a direct message I have a contact who may be able to help

[Teddyhelp]

Many people identify with their jobs, therefore losing that source of identity (and income) is, understandably, rather traumatic.

One of the most important things right now is that your husband gets support and help from a counsellor. Employee benefits of his last employer may last for up to three months in some cases after termination and may include a confidential Employee Assistance Programme (EAP) or private medical cover that may include self-referral to counselling services.

Another important point, signing on (whilst disconcerting in itself) may be a necessary step to get some financial relief.

Recovering from unemployment in circumstances like this (Covid-19, a pandemic, or a crisis) may take some time for everyone. The key is to recognise that this is a storm and it will pass, but we all need help and support in a storm. Please get help!

Take good care.

[mathair]

Hi there,

I feel for you all, it’s a really tough thing to go through. When I was a kid, my entrepreneur dad lost his business. It was something that lay heavy on the family, but we shouldered it all together. Nowadays, we tend to protect our kids much more, but when times are difficult, I’m always reminded of a Brenee Brown Talk, in which she explained her research into what makes people happy. Two key things:

1. Going through a really challenging situation & making it through (builds resilience) and
2. Making time for creative activities (builds imagination & ability to look at things differently).

My siblings and I are definitely flawed, like everyone, but we have come through adversity together and I think we’ve been strong when faced with other life challenges along the way as a result. Because we know we’ve come through in the past, we can do it again.

I hope that perspective might help - ultimately this can be a great opportunity for your children to build some really valuable life skills.

All the very best as you navigate this time. X

[Wetherby]

Oh goodness, that’s an awful thing to happen. It triggers all sorts of emotions and issues and like one of your responders says, they can take time to process. I’ve lost my job three times over a 35 year career and it was never nice but each time sharing the news with friends and family helped me to get my next job. Asking for their help unearthed all sorts of contacts and opportunities I might never have considered and gave me a network of people I could call on on the hard days because it can be a rocky road back to work. The last time it happened I was on maternity leave (I am the main earner) and I mentally said “enough”. I set up my own business the year my son was born and though that has had its moments too, I’ve absolutely loved it. But it was friends support, advice and encouragement which gave me the confidence and the tools to make that step so, as difficult as it is, I would encourage your husband to tell as many people as possible and to actively ask for their help and support. These days this is a very common occurrence - good people don’t judge and he may well find in sharing that his next exciting position comes sooner than he thinks.

[stellaofbalham]

For what my opinion is worth, tell your children. They are actually quite old and they will feel involved and on board if you tell them (families should be united) and if they find out later then you will loose a lot of trust (they are teenage-ish) and you don't want to encourage that.
Best of luck and remember that family is also a team (stronger together and all that cheesy stuff).
Someone above said he may simply need time to digest it and I think that may be the case....maybe give it a deadline!! 
cheers
Stella

[CharlotteT]

Focus on the next steps rather than the negatives.
No need to tell anyone who isn't going to help solve the problem.
Direct your efforts towards securing new income streams. (Avoid MLM pyramid scams selling cosmetics/nutritional supplements etc.)
The children don't need to know daddy lost his job. They need security. Celebrate his new job instead.

[Kirstie’s Mom]

Frankly I think your husband has the call on this especially in the beginning . It may not take long for him to find a job and therefore nothing needs to be said . If it goes on for months and months then perhaps review the situation . Just be glad he told you . My husband never could which led to very severe repercussions . Let him make the call for now .

[headsandtails]

thanks again for all of your insights and for sharing your own experiences. He seem to be dealing with it a little better now and has agreed to tell a couple of close friends and family so that he/we aren't lying about what our world is like at the moment.
We wants to wait to tell the children until school returns to 'normal' for them so that they are with their friends etc. and can see that life will continue. Its not an easy time for many at the moment and I really appreciate the support.