I think I need anger management help Post Reply

[angrybird]

Hi,

I'm posting under a new name as I wish to remain annonomous.

I have 2 girls (aged 3.5 & 2) and am very worried about how angry I can get with them and I think I may need help. I am normally a very calm person and I know friends would be surprised if I told them how angry I sometimes I get with my children.

Just to give you an example, I'm home alone with them today and decided to make them a lunch box tea - trying to get them interested in sandwiches. They helped me pack sandwiches, cheese and ham, some banana and a treat into each identical lunch box. So far so good...both very excited until the 3 yr old decides she wants the box I've given to the 2 yr old. I try reasoning, explaining they are the same, but the 3 yr old starts crying hysterically. I try to do a swap (silly I know) and the 2 yr old starts crying. Something snaps inside me and I pick up both boxes in a rage, shouting about how ungrateful they are and throw the boxes in the bin...along with tea. Both are now crying and we have a few minutes stand-off before everyone calms down and I have to make 2 more lunch boxes

The anger started showing its ugly head when no. 2 was about 8 weeks. She was a crier, had reflux and was a really difficult baby. She is still hard work...stubborn, tantrums, lashes out at her sister, but when shes good she's really good fun. I love my children dearly and I feel awful that they have to put up with me sometimes, but its becoming clear that they prefer the company of their dad and its all getting too much for me.

I'm wondering if anyone else has been through something similar and good advise of what I can do about this. I don't know whether I should be talking to my gp about getting some help or to go down a counsellor route.

I have told my husband about these episodes (I work PT so have 2.5 days alone with the girls) and he finds it hard to understand why I can't control my anger

Any advice or help much appreciated

[Goldhawk]

The parent practice do a number of courses - might be worth looking at

[lalectrice]

I really sympathise - uncontrollable rage is scary and, ironically, often disempowering. You've made the best first move in identifying that you are experiencing problems and asking for advice. There are two key routes you might find helpful, perhaps the one a GP might first recommend being CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). This psychological therapy focuses on identifying the triggers for your emotion and trying to help you re-learn how to manage them. It can be very helpful for problems like phobias, specific anxieties and anger management. Many people find it really useful.

In my view, though, only psychotherapy can really help address the root causes of anger and associated problems. Psychotherapy (the so-called 'talking cure') is usually a much longer-term process and involves exploring family dynamics in both your current situation and in the core family relationships that formed the person you are (i.e. relationships with parents, siblings etc.) It can effect profound positive changes in the way you see, understand and manage your feelings about and your responses to people and situations. For example, the fact that your anger really erupted around the birth of your second child suggests that you might be re-visiting unconscious feelings to do with the parent-child dynamic - that between you and your parent(s) as well as that between you and your children.

Unfortunately, getting either CBT or psychotherapy on the NHS is very difficult - a brief course of CBT after a long period on a waiting list is very possible. This does not mean that you should not speak to your GP, though - it sounds as if you feel you are reaching a really difficult point ('it's all getting too much for me') and you might get lucky with a referral as all NHS authorities are different. Speaking about the problem to a sympathetic professional can also be incredibly helpful and will make you feel as if you are taking a step in the right direction.

Anger can be a manifestation of sadness, so it might be worth asking if you think you are depressed. Equally, it can be an expression of powerlessness - do you feel ambialent about being at home with the kids, for e.g.? Are there other problems in your life (conscious or repressed) that might be manifesting in this way? I cannot comment on you situation specifically as I am not a professional and have never met you, but these are just a couple of many possible factors. There is a lot of good support on the internet, and if you are interested in private CBT or psychotherapy (psychodynamic therapy might work well), look at the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website to find a local, appropriately qualified person.

Good luck - and huge sympathies. It is very hard going through feelings of rage, but you are taking important steps to deal with things in a way that can only be postive for you, your partner and children.

[SingSong]

hi there, sorry to hear about you struggles, children are hard work as anyone caring for them knows. I would absolutely love to come and help you, i have fridays free at the moment and i think i could really help with different ways of diffusing tantrums and sticky situations before they become out of your control which is when your anger seems to really kick in.

I also think it may be nice for you to have some adult company away from your job and to lighten the load with the children.

I know this does not resolve your anger issue but i think it may help to find ways of controlling situations before you burst with anger?

[kewty]

Hi Angrybird

I am so relieved that I am not the only one who looses their temper with their children/child.

I have one 2yr old who just pushes and pushes me until I snap, and I end up yelling my head off at her and acting like a terrible 2 myself - really not attractive. I can't imagine what it would be like with 2 - looney bin here I come!

It was all getting out of control, so after much persuasion, my husband took me away for a long weekend whilst grandparents looked after the LO! I could have done with longer away, but I felt so much better, and the time apart was very good for both of us. it also gave me time to reflect on the situation we were in, and think of how to make things better.

I am a firm believer that us mums need our own holidays. We work 24/7 looking after our LOs and some also hold down a job too. The Men work 9-5 5 days a week and then get to relax and have fun. A friend recently went off to Austria for a week of complete R&R, and came back on top of the world.

I wouldn't go down the medical route unless you really have to. Try getting away from work and your family for at least a weekend, pamper yourself and just get some "me time", you will be surprised how much good it will do.

Chin up, and please let us know how you get on.
Kewty x

[catty29a]

You are not alone. I know I've lost my temper like that a few times (I have 2 girls aged 4 and 11/2). I had a similar tea time experience where tea ended up on the wall - I'd had a terrible day at work, got home to mayhem and just couldn't cope. Two children, especially close in age, are VERY HARD WORK and we are not perfect machines who can adhere to every suggestion/hopw to guide laid before us. You sound depressed rather than angry - you say that your children prefer your husband and that you feel you can't cope - which to me sounds like someone who's not feeling terribly great about herself rather than someone who's a horrid Mother.Quite the opposite - you sound like a very loving Mum who's trying to the absolute best for her kids. I would suggest maybe going to see your GP and getting a referral to a counsellor or therapist who might be able to help you out. Have you talked to your husband about how you're feeling or do you have any close girlfriends you could talk to? Really important to do this if you can - I suspect it may relieve some of the pressure. And, like someone else suggested, get some time to yourself - it's not being selfish - it's being sane. catx

[doleofficedad]

I wouldn't beat yourself up about this. I haven't met a single parent yet where the 'red mist' has not come down at some stage (including myself with our 3.5 year old). I imagine it's a scenario the vast majority of parents are all too familiar with (am talking about red faced anger/shouting here not smacking just to confirm!). Thats why these help courses, Supernanny and so on exist - because there is a demand for them. So its not just you. Those who can honestly claim to have never lost the plot are either genuine saints or using codeine or both. That said it doesnt mean we as parents shouldn't try to improve and it certainly should not become habit forming of course (its happened to me twice I think). If you are the book reading sort then try this by Adele Faber - "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk". Bottom line, don't be too hard on yourself when the little cherubs turn into little devils. And the best is yet to come - you've still got their teens to look forward to!

[Wimbledon]

I have three under 5 and have been at home with them full time for the last year after giving up work. Not easy. I recognise myself in a lot of what you have described.

Try reading 'Overcoming Anger and Irritability' by William Davies. It was recommended to me by a CBT psychologist I've been referred to but am still on the waiting list to see. I've still not finished it yet but it's really made a difference. It's based on CBT.

Good luck and I hope you find your old self again soon.

[susiep23]

hey there, this may seen completely unrelated and sorry if a bit personel but are u on the pill?? the only reason i ask is that i had a real problem with mood swings, anxiety and anger a few years ago exsasperated by family upsets inc nan dying, long term relationship break up etc so i put it to my exp at the time rather than anything else and i was low because of that and aloud tp be down and a bit eratic if i felt like it.

Some days i would be right as rain on a high and others i was angry and the world was out to get me I would walk down the road if someone glanced my way inside my head id be "what are they looking at" & angry face for absoulutely no reason and i dint know why then I would feel guilty, id be paranoid and snap at people for no real reason and other times feel i could cry at drop of a hat..... but this was 2 years after family upsets.

It got to the point my mum sat me down and said this isnt you whats going on. My GP suggested as one idea to change my pill, i did one better and came off completely and i felt so much better within a month.

I can be quite a flighty person anyway espesh at times of month (who isnt lol) but i am in control of my emotions now and after 3 years break from any chemical contraception I am actually on the mini pill (cerazette) it contains different chemical to the combined pill.

I was also told i shouldnt have been on microgynon as it not suitable for people who can suffer with migraines and can actaully be quite dangerous to those who get migraines.. shows how much info some docs give hey which is why maybe this is a consideration for you and ur ups and downs ur experiencing.

I think the emotional implictations of the pill are completely underestimated and the reason i am writng this is since my discovery of pill as nt the only cause but a definate contributor to my horrendouse mood swings and anxiety but 3 of my friends who were on microgynon have come off or changed for the same reason and feel better in themsleves at coping with situations and just lifes daily stresses where as before they were v up and down. Now when i have a freind who is low its the first thing i ask is what pill they are on.

Theres like 20 diffrent types of pill and most gps suggest the cheapest so if u are on the pill maybe look into that as a cause of you're up and down days.

I would like to add that im sure microgynon is fine for alot of women as are other pills im just saying that its a chemical and for some in my exp/friends can really heighten negative feelings, stresses and should be more advice on side affects.

best wishes xx

[supergirl]

Hi
Hope you are feeling better now since you posted.
I personally don't think you need anger management. It is very easy when tired to loose it a bit, especially with two young children... I know as I have two girls myself ( ) aged 2,5 et 14 months.

I would suggest to try different strategies. In the situation you describe, I no longer buy different colours (except clothes) so that they always have exactly the same (I know this is important to them and an important part of growing up. I am the middle one of 3 girls myself and for a long time we counted everything to the despair of my poor mum).

For the things I already have and need to buy a second one but cant find the same colour, well I either make them do a draw or most times I decide and they have to get on with it and the day after or in the afternoon I change (take turns). If this end up with tears and screams (which often happens) well I ignore it (however hard it is) and put the one (or the two) in a different room and she has to come back when calmer.
If this doesnt work, I leave the room myself (I always make sure they see me doing so) and I go and sit on the sofa with a magazine (I pretend then to read as at this point I am so stressed out that I cannot concentrate) and I tell them I will be available when the screams stop. It usually take 2-3 min for them to calm down and ask me to stop reading because they are OK now.

It is extremely hard because children know how to bug you! But you must try to not let it affect you. You need to be convinced that this is a phase and they do that because you react and they want your reaction. They are not malicious but this is just what children do to make sure their boundaries exist because this what make them secure. If dont react but re explain the rule again and again, eventually they will feel secure and would stop doing that. But then they'll do something else.
Everyday my eldest tries to put some food on the floor or say before even trying it that "I dont like it maman". Everyday and every meals I have to repeat the same thing, I used to get really cross at some point until I realised she just need to make sure that from one meal to the next her world hasnt changed...

One last thing, choose your battles. Not all of them are worth fighting... By letting them having their way sometimes you save your real no for the things that are really important to you. For me it is table manners but not the mess in the house, for others it is other things. Find your own.

Good luck!