is it reasonable to ask teenagers to isolate so grandparents can visit? Post Reply

[christmascrackers]

My MIL has just told me that she and my FIL would like to come and stay over Xmas but rather 'assertively' has requested that they would like my 15 and 17 year olds to isolate for a good week ahead of Xmas Eve to keep them safe? 

I really feel for my teens who have spent a lot of the year locked up and I'm not sure that I want to agree. Is anyone else having similar conversations and what are your thoughts? Thanks so much.

[Jonny Dyson Property Consultants]

I would tend to agree with you, and not just because I'd have a much calmer Christmas without the relics 

Perhaps as a compromise you all get a 20 minute test the day before they are due to arrive and then they can decide if they still want to come?  They're not cheap (around £120 each), but at least it gives them a measure of certainty.

Jonny

[Himalaya]

I don’t think you can blame the parents in law for wanting to be careful. This virus hasn’t got somehow for less dangerous than it was in the spring. And - depending on where you live, prevalence is still high in parts of the U.K. I don’t know how old your parents in law are, but for a man over 85 the latest estimates put the fatality rate at somewhere between 15 and 20%, and the chance of a scary and probably life changing stay in hospital about the same on top. Even for a 65 year old woman with no chronic health conditions, you’re taking a few percent.

Most people go to extreme lengths to avoid other risks of a much smaller magnitude in their day to day lives. So I really don’t think they are being unreasonable asking. If I was their age, I’d undoubtedly do the same. It is a more or less undisputed fact that several hundred extra deaths will happen as a result of easing rules over Christmas - This may be an acceptable trade off at a national level, but probably won’t be at an individual level.

That all said, clearly it’s not fun for teenagers to have been cooped up at home when there is almost zero personal risk to them from this virus. And if you are all genuinely going to be isolating for a week, that means no trips to the supermarket, no visits from the cleaner, etc. Things look very promising for an effective vaccine now - your parents in law could very plausibly be vaccinated by February or March. So while they may be keen to preserve the Christmas traditions, one compromise solution might be catch up over zoom this year and have a big family gathering - with a lot of the Christmas traditions - at Easter.

The testing solution would dramatically reduce the risks, but runs a small risk of missing the earliest stages of an infection.

[LFG87]

Similar has been suggested by my family, which with a nearly walking 12month old doesn’t fill me with joy, so we have agreed that we will get a private test done for my family. I’ve done a bit of research and some take three days for the results and some less than 24hrs. It obviously isn’t cheap but perhaps may be the best way forward to reassure people.

[Lily85]

I think it is fair enough of your parents in law. Think about whether you would want to be held responsible for any consequences? I don’t like to take the risk this year. We haven’t seen my parents this year apart from once in the summer when I self isolated with my 9 month old and 3 year old then got tested before visiting them too

[Londonista]

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask, no.
I think a better option would be to pay for testing 3 days before and self isolate while you wait for results. I expect it might be booked up everywhere for tests tho!

We’ve been back and forth on Xmas options with my in-laws and have decided to give it a miss this year. They’re 82 and 89. We’ve all been so careful for 9 months and it seems crazy to put them at risk when we’re so close to getting them vaccinated.

We will all be sitting on the footpath outside their place however for a mulled wine on Xmas eve - do just step around us if you see us in Clapham!!!

[phigoldenspiral]

It is a completely reasonable ask. Teenagers being cooped up vs parents dying is a no brainer - not sure how it can even be a debatable point? Also given what I’ve seen teenagers doing on the common before during and after lockdown- the irresponsible behaviour probably means they’re higher risk than other kids. The other solution of course is just not to spend Christmas or any other time with them this year until vaccines are rolled out.

We are voluntarily self isolating from the day schools break up so that we can see our parents without potentially killing them.

[dudette]

Gosh I’m slack-jawed that everyone else seems to think it’s a reasonable request! Of course it’s not reasonable. Unless your in-laws are very close to your kids then if they’re that concerned they should just not come. Teenagers have suffered enough this year and to make them stay in again after a month of lockdown and during the school holidays is just cruel. We are hopefully close to getting a vaccine so your in-laws should stay safely at home until they are vaccinated and then they can come and stay. Please don’t make your kids stay in - they’ll just resent their grandparents and it’ll ruin their Christmas. Offer to get a test (which I think your in-laws should offer to pay for) but don’t agree to this outrageous demand!

[Sky34]

I don’t think it is unreasonable for them to ask. In fact it is the reason we haven’t see. My parents in a year (they live abroad and the logistics of isolating after a flight in order to see them are impossible to navigate).

At the same time, you have a 15&17 year old. At that age I would discuss with them; do u Want to see grandparents (and therefore isolating) or you think it would be too tough to isolate. At that age it would be hard to keep them locked in and their opinion and willingness do matter.

I wouldn’t count on a private t at unless you can pre-book it b

[Totatoto]

Wow, I can’t believe that you think this is an outrageous request. It is literally for 7 days, how hard is that? I think it is a reasonable request personally but best thing is to talk to your children and husband about it.

[christmascrackers]

Thanks for all of your replies and for your suggestions.
LFG87 where did you find was a good place for a test? I would be happy to pay for peace of mind and maybe ask my kids to be extremely careful and ask them to stay in for a few days if not a week beforehand as a compromise.

[JoCM]

Not sure if it is reasonable. I don't think you should put this kind of weight on people - i.e. I want to see you but you need to isolate for a whole week otherwise you might be responsible for killing me. I would never ask people I want to see to do it. If I am too concerned about getting the virus I would just plan accordingly. I think I would be agreeing to spend Christmas apart unless it was your choice to isolate

[Torcat]

I don't think this is an unreasonable request, they are simply thinking of their own health, but I also don't think it would be unreasonable to say no and to postpone the meeting until later on next year when it is safe. If I were you, I would discuss this with your children and see if they are prepared to make this sacrifice. It may not seem like a big deal to us, but for teenagers a week seems like a long time, especially after the year they have had. I think it would be unfair to to force this on them, and you do not want them resenting their grandparents. If you can get/afford the private tests for all of you, and you all accept that there is still a small risk, then go for it. If not, I would wait until a safer time.

[lemonzest]

Of course it is not unreasonable to ask, but I personally consider it a bit outrageous to invite oneself for Christmas and then make demands of the host. But obviously that's just how I read it.

If they're old enough to be particularly concerned by a potential COVID risk, I would seriously thinking about postpone a gathering. Unless your kids are at a private school they'll be in class until one week before Christmas, so I wouldn't be comfortable relying on the result of one negative test. Are they going to be really stressed about everything when they arrive and then not enjoy the gathering anyway?

[broodje]

Obviously, these things are very personal and you'll get multiple points of view. I personally think it's completely ridiculous given they are coming to YOU not the other way around. If they are so risk averse, they really shouldn't travel or mix with people at all. If you were visiting them (and actually wanted to), fair enough. So to sum it up, I would politely dis-invite (although I don't know how you dis-invite someone who invited themselves). Also, good luck getting a 15 and 17 year old to agree to a whimsical request given they have been already suffering for almost a year for the sake of older generation.