when is the best time to tell the children we are splitting up? Post Reply

[petey_burgess]

Hi there PomPom

I have had quite a bit of experience as a solicitor and mediator in this area (I have my own family law practice in Clapham Common). I would definitely advise you wait until after Christmas for all the reasons set out above. You might also want to consider exactly how, when and where you tell them, including having some sort of a joint script. 

The most important points to remember are:-
1. Choose a time and place they are going to be comfortable with. Consider what happens after the conversation too. Maybe plan to do something nice together immediately afterwards?
2. Make sure you reinforce the point that it is not their fault, they have done nothing wrong, and sometimes this happens with grown up relationships, that their Mum and Dad love them, and they will always have a home with both their parents. 
3. It sounds like it is mutual here, but make sure that comes across - you do not want either of you to be scapegoated. 
4. They will have a lot of questions. You want to strike the right balance between giving them information and eliciting their views but not allowing them to dictate what happens next. 

Children model their adult relationships on their parents so it's important to get this right.

Best of luck!
Peter Burgess 

[parentpractice]

Dear PomPom

I am sorry I am so late to this post but I wanted to give you a fulsome response and I have not had the time until now!....... and I'm afraid my response may not be the black and white answer you are looking for, but this is my experience coaching parents in how to share the care and develop co parenting plans .
 To tell or not to tell, over the holidays is a tough call that actually doesn’t have an easy answer. In my opinion, there are quite a few factors you need to take into consideration…

1. How well are you currently managing any tension? If children are being exposed to ongoing arguments or they're seeing you give each other the silent treatment, then keeping it together just to get through the holidays, is probably not going to be helpful to the children.  If you have an amiable relationship and can manage being together for the children then it might be wise to wait.

2. What is your emotional state? 
If one of you is more emotionally vulnerable than the other, white-knuckling through the holidays may be really tough. You need to keep in mind that children are extremely tuned in to your stress.  If one of you is emotionally struggling, kids will pick up on it and without a context for understanding that stress they may make up their own story or reason. This of course tend to increase children’s anxiety instead of decrease it.

3. What do the your kids know?
Often when I talk to parents, many times they will admit that their children have already asked questions about the state of the marriage or it their parent are considering divorce.  Many parents shrug off the question or change the subject because they are hoping to bypass the conversation. Once kids start asking these kinds of questions, its usually a pretty clear sign that it is time to have the conversation. It’s also quite possible that if you wait until after the holidays they may feel deceived and it could compromise your credibility with your kids. Children don't like to feel duped or that they have been lied to    

4.The other factor is the timeframe for the separation.
If things are going to change very quickly in the new year and one of you is moving out of the  family home then you really need to give your kids the time to get their head around these changes and so the question to ask is does waiting until after the holidays still give children enough emotional space to process this?  Lastly, when to tell your kids is a very personal choice that clearly you both have to agree on, as you both need to tell the children together.  How children manage the conversation is often greatly influenced by how you  manage the conversation. If you can have a tension-free conversation and communicate to their children that they will continue to be there for them as their Mummy and Daddy, that is the most important thing to take into account so the bottom line is regardless of when the conversation takes place, the most important thing is you prepare for the talk, ensure you cancel all commitments to give the kids time to process and for you to be there for any potential fall out and to spend time putting a really good co parenting plan in place. So many parents wing this and don't have a clear co parenting plan which leads to confusion for the children.

Phew ...really hope that is a little helpful and please do get support to get through this very stressful time in your life. Oh and good mediator is the other component to! Take care of yourself and my mantra is always love your kids more than you dislike your ex!

Yours aye Elaine x 

[ronangel]

This reminds me of the story about a wealthy elderly couple with many grown up children with families of their own. Every Christmas for 20 years they were always too busy to come and see the parents and bring children parents had never even seen. As every year all were invited for Christmas to stay at large family country house.This year wife had an idea, she told a two of the daughters “secretly” that she and her husband were splitting up in the new year and it would be announced at the Christmas gathering. The elderly family solicitor had also been invited because may affect the way their inheritances would be distributed, could be some papers for all to sign so not miss out on anything.
That Christmas every single child with entire family turned up. After dinner the truth was revealed when they wondered why solicitor was not there. Were told not splitting up and no inheritance changes, but this was the only way could get entire family there for Christmas!