Husband wants us to separate /divorce Post Reply

[Hopefull]

Hello all. On Sunday my husband said he thinks it is best if we divorce. We live in a house that is in his name and all the utilities are in his name. We both have a property each that we let. I have a mortgage , he does not. All my rental income does  towards paying my mortgage . He gives me a monthly allowance and I work part time .

I am unable to get a  new mortgage because I have no credit in my married name and my maiden name is not on the electoral role. So I cannot remortagage to try and extend my repayment period. 

I also unfortunately have a criminal record. One conviction involves a minor in 2017 and I have a caution for battery in 2017 as well . 

He wants me to move out and he and his mother will care for the children. He has told me that I have no chance of keeping the children because of my convictions.  He has said we should divorce many times before and then we have tried to make things work but this time I feel he is very serious.

I do not earn enough to pay my mortgage as I left my full time employment to care for our children.   

Will my background prevent me from staying with our children? Can anyone advise me please?

 

[firsttimerSW11]

Is you husband for real? Move out with nothing and give up your children?

I have no experience of divorce but absolutely categorically don’t move out. It doesn’t matter if everything is in his name if you are married, you should be entitled to a fairly sizeable percentage I should think. Get yourself a lawyer and if funds don’t allow for it, speak to the CAB, they can point you in the right direction.
Good luck. Your husband sounds like a nasty individual, don’t be browbeaten into moving out, whatever you do.

[rubyonrails]

I am so sorry that this was your New Year's Day experience Hopeful.

I tend to agree with the firstimer, I think that you need to get some help and information on what you should and shouldn't do as well as what you are entitled to. I wouldn't leave your home with or without your children unless you are under threat of abuse. Hopefully someone on this site with relevant experience will be able to advise you. Wishing you well.

[Anon1234]

Do not move out and seek legal advice immediately - it doesn’t matter that the house is in his name as all assets are shared when you’re married. If you move out, you will still get a share of the capital in the house in a divorce, but it is preferable to be in the house, especially as you are not working and are the main carer for the children. Don’t let him bully you. Speak to some good family law firms for advice and go with one you trust and feel comfortable with. Don’t be too concerned about having to pay the legal fees yourself as this will all be dealt with through the divorce too, so don’t think you have to just find that money. A good family law firm will explain all of that anyway.

So sorry you are going through this but make sure you stay strong so that you get the best outcome for yourself and your children.

[IrenaP]

Hi yes you need legal advice ASAP. You haven’t given information on the ‘battery’ charges - did you abuse your husband and child and has that been repeated recently? By what you say I would think you may want to seek therapy as well.

[ceecee12]

I would firstly advise you do not make a move! Do not feel bullied or coerced or belittled! You are entiltled more to your children then he is despite your record. You have an advantage over you’re still in the martial home. If you leave you will forfeit and that is his choosing not yours. You are the mother of your children and put it politely he’s been plotting this scheme for some time as an easy way out and thinks you won’t make a fuss or put up a fight.

As a single mother of two I would suggest you start to build yourself up. Build up your career, finances and get your credit back on track. My marriage left me with bad debt and I won’t be out of it till next year but by God it’s good to be independent. For you to be entitled to a percentage of the home you need to paying some of the utilities... rectify that as one piece of advice..

Get a good family solicitor immediately. Move your things to a guest room and sleep there.

I want to give you one final piece of advice woman to woman! Do not give up, fight with all that you have and don’t give in to your husband! Find your strength and my inbox is open to you.

[Lola123]

I have some legal knowledge and i would strongly advise that you take legal advice immediately, even through lockdown solicitors are open offering telephone/Zoom appointments. Do ensure any solicitor you use is a member of Resolution.  Once you have the advice it will give you the platform to make some considered decisions and I really don’t think it will feel as scary as it does as that moment.

[Hopefull]

Morning, firstly thank you Annabel for encouraging replies.

I did respond earlier today but it seems I might not have submitted the post as I cannot see it here.  As it is home teaching time I need to be brief but wanted to update you all. 

On 4/1/2021 before going to work my husband said he was going to leave me and the family home. I agreed to this. Then he retracted it and said I need to leave. 

On 7/1/2021 I was able to have an honest consultation with a solicitor. He advised me that:

Courts will not look at my conviction unless children are in grave danger (they are not)
I should not move out
Most likely I can live here until the youngest is 18 and my husband will have to move out
I am being bullied....

I totally agree with Ceecee12 and will try and put as much as I can in order whilst home life is peaceful which it is right now. Then I will start proceedings if he does not threaten to do it  first. It is so very  reassuring to know I have a good chance of remaining in the family home whilst the  children are at school. Had I known this earlier I think I would have petitioned a couple of years ago but I was too scared/unsure/insecure.  My motto is 'if you fail to plan you plan to fail'. I need to be prepared for any negative knee jerk reactions I may face when divorce proceedings do commence.

Husband has not said anything more about divorce since the 4/1/2021 which is the usually pattern until we next argue about something but I am glad I know better now.

I do not have battery charge(s). I have a caution. Neither of my children were involved. 

That is the update in a nutshell. One of my children have mocks over the next few weeks so this has to take precedence.

I appreciate all your supportive comments. It has made the start of my  week so much more positive. Today my glass is half-full. Thank you all. 


 

[Anon1234]

So pleased to hear that you have got some advice and now feel more confident about your position. I would definitely get everything in order and file for divorce as soon as you can, if that’s what you want. Your husband sounds very controlling and at least emotionally abusive, and I know from experience that that is not a good environment to be in and it will have a negative effect on your own mental health. If you can, I would also use the time now to see if you can gather any info on his financial position and assets - he will be required to disclose these if you follow a court process for the divorce, but it is always helpful to have as full a picture as possible ahead of that as he may well try to hide assets.

When I went through something similar, I had a great therapist who really helped me through it and helped me to get back up on my feet. It’ll be tough divorcing a man like that and you will need to make sure you’re well supported.

I wish you all the best with it.

[MumTum]

I don’t want to pour petrol on your already horrible situation but when men ask for a divorce out of the blue, it is nearly always because there is an affair ongoing, or one about to happen.

So if you didn’t see this coming, and this isn’t the result of arguing etc, be prepared for a mistress to emerge.
If it isn’t revealed before he leaves, there will instantly be a new girlfriend who he will swear blind he didn’t meet until after you split but who will move in and ‘get serious’ instantly

Men are nothing if not depressingly predicable cliches

[Hopefull]

MumTum,  when I suggested I move into the spare room (which needs a massive declutter) and he said no. He said he wants me out of the family home.  So last week I did ask him whether there was someone else. He said no. He does work very long hours and it has crossed my mind before. Even my friends and close family have asked me the same.  He said no then and he says no now. I believe him. Like I said he is just a deeply unhappy man right now. This is not the first time he has suggested divorce though. It just feels very different this time. I cannot put my finger on why though.......If a new partner does appear I would not be surprised, more very disappointed I could not see the signs despite looking and very disillusioned with men. Period.

[MumTum]

You obviously know him, so have reason to believe him or not, but from an outsiders perspective, all the signs are there, especially if even your friends and family suspect he is having an affair.

Of course he is going to say no he isn't, they always do. And when they move someone in within weeks of a split, they will still claim nothing happened until after the separation and it was totally innocent/platonic until that point.
It is a very depressing cliche...

If there hasn't been much active talk from him about splitting in the past, and now the only thing on his mind is getting you out of the house, there is someone waiting to take your place.

Read up about 'spousal abandonment' and see if any of it fits. Men follow an alarmingly predictable pattern when they do it, including the lengths they'll go to to repaint history and also to go out of their way to be nasty and cruel after the split

Wishing you all the best

[Hopefull]

I have decided to write on my old post  rather than start a new one. I am turning to NVN because I am desperate now. So the update is my husband did not talk divorce again since my last post. I spent weeks waiting for the paper work. Then I spoke to him about it and he said he was too busy at work to think about divorce. Then on the 1st April he brought divorce up and we agreed we would try again starting from scratch i.e dating, getting to know each other again and working our marriage. Then on Friday 2nd it went so horribly wrong with him assaulting me. It was awful and the worst thing was that it was all in front of our son.  He left our home with our son and went to his mother where he is today. I called the police and it was horrific .They seemed to judge me before they even spoke to me so I asked them to leave. A few days later I received an application for Non-molestation Order and Occupation Order. The non mol was granted and the final hearing for the OO is August. My husband is so full of vitriol and hatred . I am unable to speak to him due to the non-mol. I spoke to a barrister last week and it will use all of savings and more  to pay him to represent me. There is so much more information but I just wondered if there was an experienced Family solicitor or barrister here who could talk to me this weekend  as I want to try and settle this before the final hearing?  I am happy to pay  for the time spent with me. I just need to talk to someone who has the legal knowledge .

[AbbevilleMummy]

Sent you a PM

[Guestymcguestface]

Get some more advice.

Most likely he will have to move out and you can stay in the family home until the youngest is 18, all your assets (home snd both rentals) will be considered joint assets and taken into account with how much maintenance he pays you to stay there.

The solicitor can advise you on how police can support you in his move out snd your safety thereafter.

I appreciate it’s heartbreaking (I have been through it) but the freedom and liberty in not being afraid or suspecting what’s going on is enormous.

Good luck and at each stage think ‘what’s the best thing for me and the kids.’ They will thank you.