Money help Post Reply

[Poppy83]

Hello everyone,
I would appreciate your thoughts on a delicate conversation that I would like to have with my husband.

For multiple reasons, I have taken voluntary redundancy from a reasonably paid job. Our plan was to leave London in February however this has been delayed to May. In the interim, I am at home with a 4 year old and 6 year old. We no longer have a nanny so I am full time mum.

Can I ask if other mothers receive a ‘salary’ for being at home? I feel that I am being penalised financially by staying at home but still contributing to the joint household account. Am I being petty by thinking this?

Thanks all, Poppy

[Tilly10]

Its very difficult - I feel for you. I work from home and my job is flexible, but since its commission based I am also losing out at the moment as I am homeschooling 2 kids, while he is upstairs in the office room working away... You should probably say that you don't want to be touching your savings since you are currently not earning and that he should really support the household while you are looking full time after the kids..

[Poppy83]

Thanks Tilly. I find it very hard to talk about money and feel like I am being greedy.

I also feel I should be ‘paid’ as the primary child carer. We have let our nanny go who was earning very well....

[rubyonrails]

I don't think that you are being greedy at all. I guess people structure their finances differently.

We have a joint account and that's it. It has made things easy in some ways but i do find myself running more expensive purchases usually clothes for myself by my husband. He does the same.  I do often think it would be good to have something separate especially when it comes for gifts for each other but we have always done it this way. My mother always had her 'allowance' and many of my friends do too. 

I think maybe just let him know that you don't like having your own money to spend. I'm sure he will understand, especially if you have you had always had your own income.

[Poppy83]

Does anyone have a suggestion for an allowance? I M not sure what the norm is.

[dudette]

I don’t really understand this. Assuming you are married then there isn’t really any such thing as “your” money and “his” money. If you were to split up the courts would just divide up all your money between you and if one of you died the other would inherit without paying inheritance tax. He can’t squirrel his money away as “his” earnings. It’s family money and so you should be able to get your hands on it in whichever way you see fit. Either you have a joint account or you have separate accounts and he pays into it. It doesn’t really matter how much he gives you - it’s just re-arranging money between accounts.

[Jellybeans]

With all respect, why would you get paid for look after your own children? “ nanny earned well”..
Also as someone mentioned there is no your money your husband’s money. If u think u can not live comfortably from one salary , probably you need to find a job. Maybe part time so you can homeschool the children

[mymyherewegoagain]

Hello. Please read this book, ‘Love is not enough’ by Merry Somerset Webb. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0007235194/ ... bGbS79CRRW

It important you get money paid into your pension, there’s a whole load of other stuff to think about financially. The book explains it all, I read it in 2011 but it’s still relevant to a woman’s finances. Your joint money is all fine and dandy until things go pear shaped.

[Poppy83]

Thank you for the reading recommendation. I will order a copy. There are significant financial penalties for staying home which cause detriment for further wealth. This is what I need to understand and establish.

We are not married and we have separate accounts. We do have a joint account for child costs therefore I contribute the same amount as my partner. Now I do not earn, I am not keen on using savings to prop up living costs.

[firsttimerSW11]

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh but you need to either get married or get a job. You have absolutely no rights whatsoever if your husband were to leave you. His money is only your money if you’re married.

Did you discuss you taking voluntary redundancy together before you made the decision?
I’m not sure why you’re contributing to share of bills etc if you’re not working, especially if the decision to give up was a joint one.
Don’t underestimate the precarious financial position you’re in, given your unmarried status. I’m not normally prone to dramatics but I’ve seen so many women get shafted as they falsely assume that their partners are liable to support them. They are not. The children yes but not their partner.
By all means ask your partner for joint access to his income or for an allowance or whatever it is you are looking for. But he is under no obligation to support you financially.

[dudette]

Oh my goodness well if you’re not married then everything changes. So many women are under the illusion that there’s such a thing as a common law wife/husband. There isn’t. You have absolutely no rights if you split up (apart from your partner paying maintenance for the kids) and if he dies you have to pay inheritance tax. As others have said you are in a very precarious position financially so before you have the conversation about being paid you should really think about either getting married or having a civil partnership. You can just pop down to the register office and do it with a couple of witnesses - you don’t even need to tell people, but for your own peace of mind you should do this as soon as possible. If he refuses then yes, make sure you get paid, but this is a poor substitute. Good luck!

[Teacherlady]

Hi,
I rarely comment, but I feel so strongly about this! My personal opinion is that yes, you should be paid.
My personal experience has been similar to yours this last year; my partner and I are not married, have two children and I left my job whilst we moved out of London - because of COVID I ended up being a stay at home parent for almost a year. In our case, it made sense for loads of reasons and we agreed for me to have a break from work whilst things settled down.

We are in a pretty unique situation in that when I had my children, I never took maternity leave - my partner took shared parental for 9 months both times. So he knows exactly what it’s like to be sole carer. We have both always said that the one that stays at home has it hardest, so he and I knew what I was signing up for by staying at home.

I told my partner straight away that I would probably be funny about money, I am fiercely independent and it didn’t matter that we have always had shared finances and a joint account with agreed outgoings for children and everything else. I am used to looking after my own money and spending the (little) spare money I had that didn’t get sucked into family life! He was great, told me he wouldn’t question anything, gave money whenever I asked, no questions asked. But he was busy (working two jobs!), I felt like I was bothering him/joint account was empty after I’d done a weeks food shop. I hated it. It really ate away at my self esteem. It didn’t matter how good he was about it, I would have preferred to have agreed a salary to be given on a specific day each month. It would have given me a degree of independence that I sorely missed.
I’m back at work now (thank god!) and got paid last week - it made me feel whole again! Even though I spent part of my salary on things like new school shoes for my daughter (which I could have asked him for, but had been putting off) it felt good to make that choice myself.

Everyone is different, but that was my personal experience. In my case, I wouldn’t be worried about getting married or whatever, because it’s not something I want so it didn’t strike me as useful advice - but I guess it depends on whether you will be staying at home with the children permanently or whether this is fairly temporary.

Anyway, good luck!

[Bemyguest]

You may need to have a bigger conversation as to how your finances are structured before you get to giving yourself a salary / allowance. I don’t think you should need to use your savings to prop up family living costs if your partner earns enough to cover it.

Like teacherlady, I’ve always been very independent financially so when I didn’t return to work after #2 we agreed an allowance from the joint account. This works for us because of our salaries are pooled and my partner has an allowance too.

As we’re not married we have been through the worst case scenarios and tried to cover ourselves to ensure the other is protected. Which included life insurance for myself for the value of a nanny.

Conversations about money are often tricky and I’m sure for married couples too. Good luck.

[ConcernedFriend]

Hi Poppy

I completely agree that your protection here is precarious. We have always contributed to our joint outgoings proportionately to our income. We both have a reasonable wage which has fluctuated over the years and this has always worked as a strategy we have both bought into. Perhaps this is something to suggest? I agree with the advice re pension payments etc too, these should all be taken into account if you are off longer term. The other way could be to ask that he continue to pay bills as if your nanny were still employed, then at the very least you would have 50% of that to help your personal bills in the meantime so you don’t eat into your savings. If he does not respond well, I suggest you go back to work and agree to split home schooling equally!! I hope that helps xx

[supergirl]

I agree with previous about your position being precarious but I wont comment on that.

Just to answer your question about what do we suggest about allowance.

Well it depends on a lot of factors. By allowance you mean money to spend as you wish as in personal expenses? What do you want your allowance to cover? House bills as well? Or do you mean he contributes solely in the joint account? And you both agree that your personal expensea will be withdrawn from that pot as well?

So put on paper / excel the household budget for running the house on which you add your personal expenses. Be realistic, you ve stopped working so you need to show that luxuries need to be cut unless you comfortably keep the same lifestyle with one salary.

Then have the bigger conversation about your NI contributions (keep getting the CB and pay them back on your tax return) and your pension contribution. Typically my husband and I transfer money into my pension once a year.

Calling it a “salary” to look after your own kids and house is likely to get your husband worked up. It would mine.
Even though I agree that the women invisible jobs and mental loads should be recognised in today’s society, I still find that phrasing “salary” distateful.

Married or not, you re both grown adults who should be able to discuss family finances and the future.

Good luck