Any other mums feeling the same? Post Reply

[peppapig]

Hi All

I never post on any forums but do read them every now and then. This time I think I need to ask the question partly because if I write it I will put words on how I am feeling and that would help me a little and partly because I want to know if I am not the only one as maybe we could share ideas and tips.
I am not the kind who likes to talk about myself but will take advantage in this instance of the anonymity. I also apologise in advance for a rather long post.

We have two wonderful children age 2,5 and 13 months. Really they are great, easy, funny and facetious. I am a stay at home mum and I am suppose to looking for some freelance work or part time job for the couple of days they are at preschool and nursery. But I don't, I sit at home, do the home stuff (laundry, tidying, food shopping, painting/decorating, etc) or I catch up with some sleep or take the opportunity of reading the paper from front to back and (rarely) I do the shopping I never have time/money to do.

I new before I got children that my own mum, although she loves my sisters and I a lot, has a lot of unresolved issues. I know that at stressful times, my spontaneous attitude is like her (very agressive, lashing out to everybody, etc...). So I knew when I was pregnant the first time that this was the ONE thing I would never do to my children so I would have to work incredibly hard in order to keep in control with them at all times. I have suffered too much growing up (and I still carry the scars today: low self esteem and lack of confidence with an ability to set up myself for failure) so I am adamant I will not do that to my children.
I can proudly declare that 2,5 yrs later with a second child I m quite successful at controlling my level of stress with them and we are bringing up happy and balance children.

However, I have lost the sight of myself entirely. Writing that makes me cry. I suffered a little post natal depression or baby blues after my second was born so for her sake I had to put her on the bottle (because I refused to be angry at her anytime she was hungry) but then I was devastated with guilt because I couldn't do exacty the same as for my first (whom I have breastfeed for 12 weeks). I was guilty of not spending enough time with my eldest who is incredibly resilient, loving with her sibling, and courageous. 13 months later, I feel I should have at the time deal with these issues because I still have them. I have a massive opportunity in front of me for a freelance job that potentially can become very big (as the children start fulltime school) but I feel I am blowing it now.
I am not looking after myself properly and I have lost my libido completely. I am back in clothes I was wearing when I was 27, I eat a lot but under stress I lose it.

My husband is incredibly supportive of me and he helps as much as he can. He often makes good remarks and suggests good ideas. But I was horrified the other day when I discovered that I behave with him the way my mother behaves with us or with my dad. I worked so hard with my children that this took me by surprise and shocked me.
I am lost now, because I see my husband whom I love so much is not happy. But mostly I am not happy too (but I have no reason not to be happy, I am very lucky) so I cant make them all happy. Of course my children can feel that no matter how hard I try to hide/control it.

I have made an appointment with my GP next week to discuss it and to get a referal as I have private insurance. I am writing here to get some support and ideas I suppose. These are my first 2 steps into tackling the problem. In my horrible moments, I blame my husband for everything from resigning my job to become a stay at home mum, to the cash short life we are living, to all the sacrifices we have made for the last 2,5 yrs. But when I feel better I know this is not true and that the answer to the way I feel is within me and only me has the power to change the way I feel but I dont know how or where to start.

I will not erase my post but I feel ungrateful having written that to my husband who works his butt off to give us this life and still manage a genuine smile when he is coming home and me just a little grin. Maybe I am just a horrible spoiled brat.

Sorry everyone for complaining. Not sure I even feel better

X

[tamara]

Welcome to NVN Peppapig

You're not alone, loads of us feel rubbish when we realise that life isn't like adverts and we have to deal with money/stress/relationships and remain good wives/mothers.

GP is the best place to start, get some help but also do you exercise? I was in a bit if state after mine but was gobsmacked at the difference exercise and the right diet, as in nutirition, made to me.

Good luck and let us know how you get on

T

[monaco]

Dear PeppaPig

it is very courageous of you to bear your soul to this forum. I am from a family who believes that talking and puting your problems in front of you (instead of ignoring them) is the first step in getting better so I applaud you for this.

I'm pretty sure that most of us on this forum would have had some difficult phases such as the one you are experiencing. Everybody finds their own way of dealing with it and to get out of it. In my case, I went to see a therapist and it helped me greatly. In other cases, it's talking to a very good friend regularly, starting an activity, discovering a hobby or doing a lot of sport. There is no right way, there is the one that suits you.

You have done a lot of great things in the past two years: giving birth to two wonderful children, raising them and dealing emotionnally with the reminiscence of your own childhood. You have gone through physical and emotional turmoils (what you say about your controlling your own stress) so it's no wonder that you feel like you do.

You also seem to have a wonderful husband near you. Have you discussed with him how you feel and what help you would require from him in the next few months ? I find with my husband that if I tell him how I feel and what kind of help I need from him or just tell him to bear with me while I go through emotional questioning, he welcomes that and at least knows what to do or not do with me.

The good news is: if you take action (as you have started doing by going to see your GP and writing here), you will get out of it and will feel better. It may take some time and the journey is not easy but the outcome will be even better than what you think. Good luck

[GWcouns]

Dear peppa pig,

Firstly, well done on writing your post and getting your feelings and situation across so clearly. I'm sure I'm not the only one who read it who could feel your pain in your words. I had a horrible time after the birth of my second son, in fact I look back now and think I actually lost my mind for a while, it was awful. When you said "I'm losing sight of who I am" I couldn't put it better myself as to how I felt. It is very frightening to lose yourself and feel that you're screwing everything up in the process. What helped was time, and also gradually getting an outside life back. I too am freelance and when I started going back to work (having built it up in my mind that I wouldn't be able to cope, it would be horrible) it was actually a turning point. It did wonders for my self esteem, and spending time with other adults, who spoke to me and respected me for my job, and who I was outside of my home role, helped me remember another part of me. I know you are not feeling capable of looking for work in your precious time to yourself, but hopefuly when you start to feel a bit better, that could actually have a many-folded positive affect - boost your self-esteem and bring some more cash in - which always helps. By spending your 2 free days at home, alone, you may be living inside your head too much, sometimes just getting out there and seeing people who have hundreds of other things to talk about takes our focus away from ourselves, and can help get things a bit more in perspective I'm no expert, but there are so many things you say in your post that make me think maybe your post natal depresiion is still lurking. You say you sleep in the daytime when the kids are in day care, you talk about your mum and the effect her behaviour had on you as a child, and sounds like still haunts you. Your lack of libido and dislike of your looks all point in the same direction. You are absolutely doing the right thing going to your GP.
You are not in my opinion, as you say, a horrible spoiled brat. I think you are a very deep feeling, deep thinking woman, who is acutely aware there is something wrong. That is such a major step towards getting back on track. Just for today if you can manage it make a conscious effort to stop beating yourself up, be nice in your thoughts about yourself, we all can be at times our own worst critics. Ease up on yourself and look at all the GREAT things you've done, had two wonderful children who you adore, and managed, despite your own difficult upbringing, to be a loving, wonderful mother determined to break the cycle of bad parenting. We can offer no greater service to our children, or to the world we are going to turn them out into, than that.
I wish you strength, and some peace in your head and heart. Good luck at the doctors - don't be fobbed off - x x

[anna miquel]

Dear PeppaPig,

I am sorry if I am not understandeable sometimes, I am not English and still fighting with the language but I will do my best.

When you talk about your mother and your efforts to have a different behaviour from her you make me think about me, definitely. I have a 9 years old boy, and I'm absolutely in love with my husband after 11 years but for me it has been a fight try not to behave also like my mother, trying not to feel guilty because as you, I only feed my boy 3 months because of my depression after giving birth, at that time also I start to talk to my husband as my mother talks to my father and it was a big effort from both of us, and lots of love and we eneded with that period, but I can imagine what it would had happened if i would had continuos that way of behaviour to him.
Having children is one of the most beautiful and also DIFFICULT and you have two really young children, I can't imagine myself in your situation, I started to work again two months after giving birth and because my husband and I were freelances in music we managed to take care of him ourselves, but to keep working for me was essential for my mental health.

I think you are really courageous, and responsible and you are able to look in frot to your problems.

something that helped to me in all this period was never forgett me, the way i was dressing, my hair, my eating and ..the sex, I lost my libidous, I can say it, but I also can say that I looked for it hardly and, besides sexual life in a log lasting couple is never a straight line, you have ups and downs, it was capital for our love that I came back to desire, and we are great now that our boy is older.

I think women make enourmous sacrifices for maternity, and very often they forget themselves but, in my opinion, this is a mistake, women are the heart of the family, always, and they have to be as happy and as fulfil as they can, and look forthemselves and never forget that they are super super important.

anyway, PeppaPig, you are doing the right thing thinking the way you do and no misery lasts a life long...

Anyway I wish you the best and as the other comment says a therapist and a goo friend chat can help you a lot!!!

[Baboushka]

Hello Peppapig! I so empathise with your blog. In my experience diet, enough sleep, good self care, exercise, not getting too lonely all play a significant part. However for me the deeper issues go back to those learnt behaviours I picked up from my parents and predominantly my mother. However I have never found any satisfactory help from my GP unless you consider anti depressants satisfactory as a first measure! I have however found immense help support and boundless opportunities for change at Codependents Anonymous meetings. Have a look at http://www.coda-uk.org and see if you identify. It is a self supporting 12 step fellowship, so that means no charges just a contribution to the cost of the room hire, usually a couple of pounds per meeting each. So it is accessible and immediately available to anyone. They are totally anonymous and there are meetings just for women if that feels safer. Its a journey but I have found there the wisdom and practical steps to be able to unpick and begin to release those negative behaviours and negative beliefs I learnt from my parents and other people as a child which affect my relationship with myself, other people and my world today. Sending you love and encouragement!

[Medway]

Dear Peppa Pig

Apologies for the quick reply, but I am at work. It sounds to me like you are depressed. Your GP should be able to diagnose this and offer you some (short term) medication to help you get back on your feet. I have had episodes of depression over the course of my life (usually triggered by a stressful event) and a short period on anti depressents will give you the opportunity to get back on your feet.

Some counselling will then be very useful to get the the roots of the problem and help you identify coping strategies

It also sounds to me like you 'world' is quite limited at the moment to home and the local area. Have you thought of a weekend or even a day away together to get a fresh perpsective

Medway x

[peppapig]

Hi everybody

Thank you all very much for your kind replies, this helps... a lot.
I had a good appointment with my GP whom suggested a lot of good things. She did mention anti depressant but she told me to first get the help I needed and then re-assess and see if I need/want them.

Having written this post has made a huge difference to the way I feel and to the way I understand the situation. Diet, exercises, getting out in the world (and out of my local area), seeing people, ... all of that you are right will help me to put my head back together and help me to focus on getting more freelance work or a part time job which I need for my own self esteem. I am making menus now (for everybody, that in itself was the fun of the w-e to ask a 2,5 what she wants to eat this week ), and plans to go back swimming. But I also want to find the help I need to sort out my issues for the long term and to, as one of you put it, redefine myself.
In the meantime it feels I have now open the Pandora's box, I have all these contradictory thoughts... and more are coming.

But so far today, I have focused on smiling at myself in the mirror this morning (I do feel good about that) and I have tried to be kind to me in my thoughts (this is harder) and I had a great business related lunch.

Again thank you very much. I would have never imagined this and you would have helped as much.

X

[susiep23]

hi peppapig. i think you should congratulate you'reself for being a good mum and trying to please and keep evryone happy you should be proud of you're self for balancing family life, job prospects etc and still trying to stay sane in times when u feel u may be botom of you're own list, im sure most mums all have the same feelings from time to time.

i would do what u have suggested and visit GP for a chat more than anything and talk things through and i definately agree with another post about excercise if you get the time(GP will likely suggest this also) it can be a real boost to feeling better mentally and physically and if u have anyone who will babysit maybe spend some quality time with you're husband, go out and do soemthing different and have a talk about how u feel, what u would like to happen.. talking can help alot

best wishes

[lalectrice]

You would benefit HUGELY from psychotherapy, which aims to explore, understand and cope with the family dynamics that make us who we are and determine a lot of our behaviour and feelings. Recognising and understanding the patterns and attitudes in our lives, and exploring the early relationships with family that have influenced them is key to managing difficult feelings more effectively. It sounds like you have done some insightful thinking yourself about the influences of your parents on your own life, and would massively benefit from the sort of detailed insights and support that psychtherapy offers.

Alas, you are very unlikely to get it on the NHS. For more information and for a reputable private psychotherapist try the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website: http://www.bacp.co.uk/

Anti-depressants can help, and certainly can be invaluable when one is really up against it, but for long-term change, psychotherapy is the only way forward in my view. Psychodynamic psychotherapy might work especially well for you. Good luck.

[MrsWB]

I really sympathise with how you feel. I felt quite down at times from about 6 months after having our second child, and I took things out on my husband, when he had done nothing wrong. I realised I was behaving like my mother had towards my father, and it was always worse when I felt more tired or that i had too much to do around the house (my husband often works late and can't help out much in the evenings with bathtime/tidying up etc). I did find things got better when I returned to work. I think it was because I have another focus outside the house and also a break from the daily grind of washing cooking cleaning tidying etc.

You might well find it helps to get some work, and counselling also sounds like a good idea. I had counselling some years ago, and didn't feel I needed to go back to it, but certainly used and recalled some of the things I learned from it so it is still valuable all these years later.

Good luck. I do hope things get better for you soon.