in laws offering to pay for son not daughter schools fees Post Reply

[Hyde Tutoring]

Personally I would thank them for the offer and explain that you’re not willing to take money for one child’s education over the other child’s education based on gender.

However, you are grateful for the offer and if they are accepting of it, you would like to use financial support to split between the children to fund part of their schooling, such as for secondary school.

It is worth contacting their current school and seeing whether bursaries are an option. You could also explore bursaries and scholarships at other schools too.

Good luck!

[benandtilly]

Thanks so much everyone for your helpful replies. Hubby and I have had a few interesting conversations about what we do since I posted and the thread has helped my side of the discussion enormously. I think he was quite taken aback at what the possible consequences. We haven't quite reached a conclusion but we are getting there.
Thanks again x

[AHW]

 I'm another one echoing those saying don't do this - my brother and I were privately educated and I see the damage that was done to families when the girls were not treated the same because it was felt boys were more important. It has caused huge resentment and problems down the line for many. 

(We have four children, so private schooling went out of the window when we had our fourth - but the ONLY time we considered treating them differently was when one of ours was struggling with bullying in state primary (the others having got into superselective grammars) and I felt it was fair for that child at the time....as it happened we ended up moving within the year group to a different class and it solved the problem.)

[brihoney]

Working mum with 2kids - I never get the argument that you shouldn't educate women because they might end up as stay at home mothers. Even if you were a misogynist, surely having a well educated stay at home mother will stimulate and challenge their children (and sons) intellectually and be able to answer their 'why' questions with facts.

But to the original OPs dilemma, it is always very sensitive when you are taking about in-laws, money and clashes of values. I think you and your husband need to be a united front and approach very delicately and with a lot of gratitude. But you know in your bones you can't do something that treats the importance of your daughters educating as secondary to your son's.

Your first task is to get your husband on the same page first. I hope that his willingness to go along with this is tied up with gratitude to his parents and not wanting to offend them.

Good luck!

[Torcat]

My parents did just this back in the 70s. My brother was two years older than me and was sent to private school aged 4. I eventually was sent to private school aged 9. This may not seem like a big deal, but I attended 4 different schools by the time I was 9 and my brother only 2, whilst my parents eventually got to the place of being able to pay for both of us. I am 48 and still feel resentful about this, and my brother is mortified. This feeling of my brother’s education being more important than mine, was echoed throughout our wider family, where the eldest son was always considered the most important. I am shocked at your husband’s view, he is literally saying that your daughter is less important than her brother. This is totally unacceptable in this day and age.

[fishflower]

It makes me so sad to read your post and to think that in this day and age such misogyny still exists. As a girl, your daughter will almost certainly face more challenges in her life than your son, as there is no doubt that our society is still not equal, particularly if she decides to have children. It is therefore arguable that your daughter’s education should be prioritised over your sons. That said, I think it is really important to keep your children together and not risk creating any disharmony or resentment between them because of any sense that one has been preferred over the other. I agree with what one of the other comments said about you not letting your daughter know that her grandparents made this offer just for her brother. How potentially damaging for her to think that she is in anyway less important because she is a girl. I really hope that you are able to make your husband understand this. If you cannot find the funds to pay for one child’s private school fees then in my view you should move both children to state.

[Ex Clapham resident]

Wow! Are they perhaps from a culture where women are seen as inferior? Trying to understand the thinking behind this in Britain in the 21st century.

Like most of the other opinions, I would gratefully accept the money on the condition that it goes towards funding both your children’s education.

[AHW]

Working mum with 2kids - I never get the argument that you shouldn't educate women because they might end up as stay at home mothers. Even if you were a misogynist, surely having a well educated stay at home mother will stimulate and challenge their children (and sons) intellectually and be able to answer their 'why' questions with facts.
 

You put this rather better than I did in the answer I typed out and deleted   .

 

[parentpractice]

Dear BenandTilly

Thank you for posting this question,as it is such a thorny issue and I can only imagine the discussion it must have caused in your household. I am also certain you are by no means alone and others will have encountered similar issues, so appreciate your honesty in asking.

I just want to put another perspective to this, as whilst gender discrimination is never acceptable, the fact that your husband doesn't have a problem with it is where your focus needs to be. Your in laws are a product of their generation and by offering school fees for one child and not the other, I can see they are not being a problem, but having a problem. Their problem is their view of the world has not changed, whilst the world has moved on and I do think they are well meaning and wanting to help.

However I think you will need to guide your husband into considering what is he modelling for his daughter if he thinks there is no problem with this. The glass ceiling and gender pay gap is still very real and Dads have a key role to play when raising daughters and how he connects and speaks to you and what values he portrays is key for her understanding of men. Given the latest revelations  of the misogynistic culture at many single sex schools with the 'Everyone's Invited' website, now is a time more than ever we need our men to be BRAVE and call out behaviour and attitudes that are just not acceptable. I appreciate he will not be able to do this easily with his parents, as the reality is their mindset may not be for changing, but he does need to think deeply about what he is modelling and ask if it's acceptable. In order to understand his view point, you will see it comes from his own upbringing and in order for him to be an influential role model, he firstly needs to understand himself before he can understand your daughter's needs.

And just to add another perspective, I hold the view that we don't have to treat our children equally and fairly, but uniquely according to their needs, and their needs may be very different at different stages of their lives. I know this mantra doesn't quite work for this scenario, but if there was a need for funding to secure let's say a SEN place for one of your children, irrelevant of gender, you may find you are able to treat your children differently.

I have every faith that you will be able to come to a united front on this issue and the fact you are talking and  discussing and he is seeing things from a different view point is great progress already. 

Take Care Elaine x
 

[Bean counter]

Are they living in the 1950s? I know women whose families decided that the boys should get the education because the girls would marry and be provided for. Huge resentment still. Particularly since the husbands in question turned out to be lacking, leaving these women in later life poverty.

[chorister]

This will affect the formation of his personality.

I don't want to get into the rights and wrongs of a very difficult decision, but is is almost certainly not true that personality will be affected.  Personality (ie psychological characteristics) is very heritable - if you are interested, read Robert Plomin's Blueprint.  Plomin is one of the world's leading experts on twin studies, and the book summarises his research.  Some of it is very counterintuitive - for example, repeated studies in different cultures have found that identical twins unaware of each others' existence and raised separately will, by their mid 20s, have TV viewing habits that correlate more closely than non twin siblings raised together, because cognitive preferences are very heritable.  Basically across a population personality is about 50% heritable, 35% from the so-called "non shared" environment (ie stuff that happens to you) and 15% from the shared environment (ie parenting, education etc).

[ronangel]

Regardless of all the rights and wrongs of this offer/situation (I think it is wrong) as one of the big supermarket chains says "Every little counts"  So take the money and use it for sons as intended, this will give your more money which would otherwise have had to be spent on both sons and daughters to use for your daughters!
Never turn a gift horse down if you can't afford it an all-round win! 
If you don't want or have too much money I will be happy to take it from you!
 

[Nannymcthreehundred]

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