Everyone's Invited Post Reply

[schoolsearching]

I was surprised not to see a thread about this on Nappy Valley given the number of headlines it has created and the response from heads of popular local private schools. It would be good to hear from current and former parents of these schools to understand their views on this topic. Do you think the posts reflect the culture of these schools? Are girls being "ranked" by their male peers? Dont parents teach their children about consent and what are the schools saying to their children on this topic? Do very young teenagers go to house parties unsupervised by adults where there is excessive alcohol consumption?

My children are in primary school and I grew up in a strict household so I was a NERD and there was no drinking or serious dating until university. I feel daunted by the task of raising children in the age of social media but am now worried about the "London factor" with children being forced to grow up earlier.

[Btcmama]

I have two daughters who have both since finished at two of the schools mentioned. I won’t go into details, but basically it is all true. The things in the press and on everyone’s invited reflect what happened and is happening. It may not happen to all, but it certainly happens to most. It is most definitely up to parents to ensure they bring up their children up to respect members of the opposite sex and not reinforce traditional, ridiculously outdated sexist concepts. The schools do have a huge responsibility to educate but I strongly feel a lot of this begins at home. It’s bad in the London Day schools, but it’s not exclusive to them. My advise is to talk to your children, start when they’re young, engage them in the conversation of respect particularly around sex as early as possible. The ultimate responsibility lies with us as parents and we should be good role models throughout their lives. Keep engaged with them particularly as they become teenagers. Yes they do go to parties, they do drink and more. Be realistic about the world they live in and ensure they have a relationship with their parents which is based on honesty so communication is kept open.
That would be my advise having come out the other side of all this!!!

[Goldhawk]

It's not limited to London or private schools
It's reflective of UK society in general 

End violence against women

[schoolsearching]

How forthcoming are schools with the parents with regards to their messaging on this subject? I completely agree that the topic is one that should be tackled head on by us as parents but ideally we should work together and prepping the children ahead of a school talk or providing advice afterwards, for example.

[year7newbie]

I was also surprised by the lack of posts on this subject on NVN. I have taken a keen interest given I have a boy entering secondary school in September and would like some reassurance that this is being taken seriously and that there are procedures in place to address the issues raised.

We’re not going for any of the schools that have received the brunt of the media attention, but did consider one of them and I must say, I would have A LOT of questions if my son was going there. They have a lot of work to prove themselves, particularly in the case of schools where issues about a toxic culture were highlighted in the past and not addressed at all.

Having said the above, I’m not kidding myself that the issue is limited to certain schools or even only independent schools. It has shone a light on what is going on in some teenage circles and in a way has achieved recognition of the issues. I’m grateful to Soma Sara for highlighting this, it has made me talk to people and read up about how to speak to young boys about online ******, social media, misogyny etc. I thought I could wait for a few years before having to face this kind of thing but it appears not (her advice is to speak to young boys about ****** by the age of 11).

At the next opportunity I will also be asking the headteacher of my son’s prospective school for his view on the issue and what they are doing in terms of PSHE.

[year7newbie]

NVN seems to have censored my post above, hopefully you get the gist of what I was saying!

[Annabel (admin)]

Hi year7newbie
apologies for the censor - nothing to do with me.  NVN has an automatic profanity filter which picks up the obvious and some words/phrases that google dislikes. This includes some randoms like 'windows for doors' don't ask me why 

Thank you all for posting.

 

[ClaphamMomma]

I echo with the above post. It’s not private Vs state or London Vs country. It’s nationwide (mostly worldwide) and since the advent of social media and smart phones, a lot of people, including teens, have lost their sense of respect for girls / women / consent. This is something that comes from home / parental teaching as well as schools - as a lot of this is happening in parties (when not at school). What the founder of the website says herself is so important. She’s written many articles but her one in The Times a couple of weeks ago stood out for me - everyone needs to learn from the mistakes of the past and teach to be better from now on (from parents to teachers to the national curriculum).

[SWSWSWSWMUM]

I am a mum of kids at a co-Ed day school. They have certainly taken Everyone’s Invited seriously and addressed it immediately in year group assembly and form classes. I don’t think it’s a ‘London school’ issue - it’s a nationwide problem. My advice to anyone with children starting secondary school is speak to your daughters and sons about ALL of these issues - such as being asked / asking for nudes, alcohol, drugs, vaping, sexual consent, parties, pressuring / being pressured for sex etc etc. By the time my daughter turned 13 she had been asked for nudes 15 times. (Not by kids at her school - friends of friends on Snapchat.) Don’t think just because your child is geeky / quiet that they aren’t exposed to any of it. They totally are and in some cases could be more susceptible to pressure. Some kids are drinking and taking drugs (weed / MDMA / ket I hear are the drugs of choice) from Year 9 in all schools - unsupervised in parks. I don’t know of any that are allowed to drink unsupervised parties at that age.

Teenage years are a little scary but also lovely too! Just make sure you and your kids aren’t innocent to what is going on. Knowledge is power as a parent and a teenager! Maybe this is the best time to start secondary school with all this having just been exposed. Everyone’s Invited also has great advice about talking to your kids.

[Needcoffeenow]

Sadly it does seem pretty universal and a lot of it is about boys accessing ****** on their phones. Definitely schools and parents need to work together reinforcing each other’s efforts. As a parent you can help by just making it clear you are up to date with these issues and that you are always open to talking about them with your child in a sympathetic and helpful way. But it’s a knotty problem for schools too. A lot of the sexual stuff is on SnapChat so the evidence has gone by the time a complaint is made.

[Needcoffeenow]

... the dots are for nrop spelled backwards!

[Vickiwh]

My daughter was attacked at her primary school aged 6 by 6 boys in her class and the year above. They told her girls weren't allowed to play on the climbing frame and when she said they were, the boys said boys were better than girls and started pushing her and the other girls off. The more she asserted her rights, the worse the violence got. Over a 4 month period she was sexually assaulted (minor), her clothing ripped, her glasses smashed, tripped/pushed over regularly, called sexist insults, punched. Her doctor wrote to the school twice and I did 20 safeguarding meetings. The headmaster insisted she and I were the problem, she was put in a special needs class and they investigated legal options to bann me from school property. Her father wouldn't intervene either as he had same attitude as the headmaster. This is a world wide problem with violent male sexism driven in parts by religion and parts ******. The schools in London are horrific to the point she moved to Kent to live during the week at her dad's at which point he cut all contact between her and me saying I was emotionally harmful to her for protecting her. Violence at school is the boys practicing domestic/sexist violence and the police/courts/MPs/fathers/brothers/sons are part of the problem - they either laugh about it or get aggressive. Either way, girls are seen as prey.

[SchoolOfEmbellishment]

Between 2001-2006 I was in secondary school in south London, and let me tell you, what I've read so far on Everyone's Invited's website, was already a proven culture back then. I witnessed it. Imagine how early on this has been going on for (probably even earlier than that!) and only now we are having movements trying to eradicate it now. Thankfully, my parents raised me with utmost self respect for my self and my body, and I wasn't engaged or a victim to these, BUT, I was in a toxic circle and witnessed many boys (and surprisingly even girls) shamed many girls with derogatory names, some even having to leave school because it was too much. It was an incredibly hard place for us, when I look back at it I am amazed that I managed to come out the other end sane.
As many posts have mentioned, you certainly have to start at home, if it wasn't for my upbringing, I probably would have been a victim. I remember a family friend sending nudies online because a guy showed interest in her, it just shows the real problem - self worth. Sadly, we are so driven by our emotions at that age that it really is hard to make the right choices, and being manipulated is so easy. I strongly advise parents to educate their sons, because really it bottles down to this - a lack of respect for women!

[Forgetmenot]

Both of my kids went to private schools and this is an on-going problem. I also know that kids don’t tell their parents everything. I personally feel that the schools should make it safer to report these instances, and punishment should be harsher to act as a deterrent. This is also happening at Universities and the same should apply. Sadly it seems the reputation of these schools/Uni’s are more important to protect.

[betsyboop]

the Dulwich College open letter for me is the a lot worse as it comes from "inside", from its own and is structured and organised plus it is not anonymous, as opposed to the testimonies on the everyone's invited website. 

it goes a much longer way as it uncovers a rather large number of issues some related reporting, safeguarding etc 

it makes for solid material to start tackling those issues.

the everyone's invited has done an amazing (and terrifying) job to raise awareness, thank god for that.