Everyone's Invited Post Reply

[Starr]

I wonder if this has this put anyone off sending their children to London private schools? Or really questioning their decision as I am often now. Not helped by going through the most stressful year to subject my child to the 11 plus and not being able to visit many schools.
My daughter is due to enter one this year and it has really shaken my confidence.
I went to a day school in the 90s but I can't say I recognise the behaviour spoken of by boys at some of the west London schools and with some parents who seemed very liberal/ - there were drugs at parties sometimes - but none of the sexual aggression / misogyny or "******- shaming". I do feel this is very much a problem linked to social media and p*** which affects all of society but also wondering why it has been swept under the carpet in these supposed elite schools. Will it be addressed?

[Monion]

It is a real problem but absolutely not confined to London or private schools. A friend moved her family to Surrey and the stories I heard from her when her children were young teens were worse than anything I heard in London with that age group. I think the problems are caused in large part by what boys see on their phones, and thinking this is how you treat women, and parents not knowing what they are seeing so not being able to put them straight. It’s really hard to see and hear what’s out there but it’s important that parents know what their children are seeing.

[MagnoliaMum]

Shocking and upsetting as these revelations are, I think it's important to try to put them into some perspective. The Everyone's Invited site kept the stories anonymous but allowed the schools to be named in order to show how widespread the problem was (although they are not dated so could cover a wide time-frame), but now the schools that are mentioned are being accused of having a r*** culture that taints everyone who attends them. 

My older son is now at uni but went to one of the all boys day schools that featured on the site. He didn't go to wild parties and he hung out with friends whose values he shared. They socialised a lot but mainly in smaller groups in people’s houses, with parents around. I'm not claiming there’s no truth in the allegations, just that our experience was that my son and his friends weren't turned into misogynists by going to the same school as others who may have behaved badly. 

The other point to make relates to my much younger son who attends a different boys’ school that has featured very heavily in the press. He is too young to have started a social life outside school, but we have considered moving him. However I have been really impressed by the school's reaction to all this, conveyed in multiple communications from the Head to parents, so we won’t. As well as investigating the accusations and seeking external scrutiny, there is going to be far more attention given to educating the boys as to what attitudes and behaviour are acceptable. They have also set up various online forum sessions this term for parents, so that the messages can be reinforced from home, which is critical as all the social activities take place outside the school setting in single-sex day schools. You may be cynical that they are doing this only because of the bad publicity, to not lose their paying customers, but I feel cheered that they are taking it seriously and am optimistic for the improved attitudes of the boys coming through from now on – everyone will be watching. It’s good we are all having these conversations and I would advise parents looking at secondary schools not to shun London or named schools, but to question the head teachers about this probably universal problem and find out how they are tackling it.

[dinosaur]

I would argue that one of the issues mentioned in the Dulwich letter is this element of privilege, of some children thinking they are better than others and this feeds into their treatment of others. 

This resonated with me as a nanny of children at local prep schools over the years. One prep school in particular has a well-established "make way for the A team" sentiment which has been upsetting for the other children in the year. I've seen various charges struggle with mental health issues thinking they don't measure up to the judgement of certain children who have proclaimed themselves to be the cool/popular crowd. The school have done nothing to tackle this in spite of numerous reports from parents. Many feel that schools do not want to upset the parents of the children involved because "they are parents you just don't mess with". This education could and should start in the prep schools too. 

[Starr]

Dinosaur, you have made some excellent observations of where this starts in some prep schools. I wholly agree and witnessed this in my daughters prep too. Luckily my daughter was not interested in the alpha types having experienced a little bit of it in her previous state primary. It is utterly rubbish of schools and parents turn a blind eye and children end up suffering as a result. I can see how this can be endemic in prep schools with excellent exit results. In my view character is way more important than academic achievements.
Magnolia mum, I'm glad to see the school is addressing the revelations from everyones invited so rigourously. It has shaken the confidence of parents. My daughter's friend's parents withdrew her acceptance from Latymer Upper a school that was mentioned a lot. As she had offers from other schools she managed to secure one of the others she had turned down pretty quickly. I do feel very bad for the children already there and those who never behaved like that to have the reputation of the school damaged.
Definitely time for a massive change and to tackle this awful behaviour. It was heartbreaking reading the stories.