How to get in the mood? Post Reply

[mummytimestwo]

Does anyone have any advice about getting interested in sex again? I am still very attracted to my husband and he to me, but I just feel like I can't get the energy or inclination to get going - I'd rather sleep or read or just cuddle. I know having a good sex life is so important for keeping your relationship alive and really want to get it back. I've wondered whether there's any 'tasteful' ****** out there that's not so gruesome and raw as what I've seen so far - that might get one in the mood?

[tamara]

I've been watching this post all morning wondering if anyone else will reply but seeing as they haven't I will take the plunge

I haven't seen any tasteful material but I would also be interested if anyone knew of any. We've also been a bit rubbish in this area and I seem to spend most of my time saying no, anticipating an approach so I get ready to say no, or even creating an argument so that he won't ask! I simply can't be bothered

The most interesting thing I'd read recently was this couple where the wife agreed to do it every day for a year and she reckoned that the fact that she didn't have to make a decision (i.e. it was going to happen) meant that she started to get into it more, I've also read in more than one place that the metod to want to do it more is just to do it more, it becomes self-perpetuating.

By the way, I'm not normally so afraid of using some of the words that you used in your post but I'm at work and don't want the IT department to ban NappyValley.

Would be interested to hear anyone else's situation

[Wimbledon]

I heard about that couple who agreed to do it every day! Ha ha. I didn't hear how it turned out at the end of the year but I think it did make a positive difference in the beginning.

My husband bought me some cards for our first anniversay (representing paper)- there were 52 cards in the pack. Half were for him to read, and half were for her to read. Basically it ranged from writing erotic messages on the mirror whilst the other half was having a shower, inviting them to come back to bed for a quickie (not always pratical with kids - ha ha) and some recommended offering a choice of a massage, running a warm bath or just hugging and holding each other. A few more rauchy ones too. Basically it meant that one a week for a year you made time for each other. It worked before I fell pregnant and then it was put aside. Several years later I discovered the remaining pack of cards and am starting on them again!!!!

Btw I was less romantic and only bought him an origami set for our first anniversary. Needless to say 6 nights out of 7 you could find him baffled over several colourful sheets of folded paper..............

Its not easy after having children to get back into the swing of things. I've got no advice on ****** I can give you (I find ****** more of a put off than a come on), but I know I'm much more in the mood after watching a really romantic film with lots of sex scenes. A glass of wine or two doesn't hurt either

[mummytimestwo]

I was relieved to hear tamara say those things about avoiding sex. It's frustrating because i'd love to want it every night and really enjoy it, but my libido is pretty much zero.

[tamara]

I am on a roll now, can't stop posting.

In addition to copying the Nike ad and "just doing it" I also think that body image and fitness are also really important. I look back at some of our holidays when we were younger (thinner and fitter) and all bronzed and relaxed and we didn't seem to stop. I am sure that being older (flabbier) means we're less likely to want to strip off. A big new years resolution for me is to look after myself better, I am sure thats a big factor.

T

[ThePeelClinic]

In my job this sort of issue is raised a lot when I am working with relationship issues. I agree with much that has been said but would add a couple of thoughts.

1. Be careful about using ****** - I am seeing more and more male clients who have become desensitized to sex through viewing ****** every day. They lose interest in normal sex with their girlfriend or wife as they get to see such extreme stuff on the net. I have never so far had a women will the same problem but I guess fewer women look at extreme ******.

2. Remember level of testosterone may play a part in this. Some people have high testosterone levels and some low and that applies to men and women. I have had female clients who have unsuaully high levels who want sex all the time and other who have low levels who are not interested. If you think there could be something in this next time you see your GP ask them to test it and if this is the case they can help quite easily.

3. It is very easy to get into a routine for sex and that in itself can lessen the appeal so try changing the routine. During the day when on holiday is an obvious as you are both less stressed but also try different places in your home or if away and even dressing up can be fun.

4. If you do want to try movies try a decent sexy film (the sort you would see at the cinema) and be cautious of the hard stuff.

5. Above all don't force it - sex is at its best when both sides are keen not when one is doing it as a matter of duty.

6. In some cases us men are actually rubbish at it so it is hardly surprising women don't get much out of it so lose interest. Many womem tell me they do not get an orgasm out of penetrative sex and that can often (not always) be because the mans technique is not good so that can be worked on (sometimes you have to tell them exactly what you want).

Christopher

[Jetsettingbaby]

well i am pleased someone has posted on this topic its like the big elephant in the room for and my man. we do not have it at all nor do we want too its like the spark has gone for him and me. we still find eachother attractive love each other, i dont know what to do about it. its so hard. i am so tired and he is so tired as our 18 month old is still up every night. and i think i have a bad image of my body too which does not help.
id try anything at this rate .. ex cerise doesn't really help me to be honest. ill have to try something else

[tooshy]

so lets just say for the sake of argument that one's husband doesn't have a great technique

how would one go about trying to "train" him?

[ThePeelClinic]

Tactfully - as some mens egos can be a bit precious.

It depends on what hubby is like - for some it is probably best to turn the whole thing around and ask him what things he really likes or would like - this normally will get his attention and after he has talked about his needs and desires a bit this give you the perfect opportunity to bring in your own.

You can talk about how hard it is for some women to get a decent orgasm through missionary position love making. If he has not run away or change the subject you can talk about other methods that may be worth a try or just other things that you may like.

You could suggest he could use an electric device on you to enhance you pleasure - if he collapses with shock as the implication if he is not a real man and need help to satify his lady perhaps suggest you can use it on him too which may tempt him.

With some guys you will be able to just tell them what you want which is great if your hubby is one of them but if not you will have to be strategic if you wish to get a good result.

[tooshy]

I can barely speak out of embarrassment

[ThePeelClinic]

This sort of problem is an everyday problem for many people especially if you have young children. If it does not bother either of you then no problem but if it does at some stage you will have to address it.

Lovemaking is so much more than just orgasms it is about general closeness and intimacy and is the glue that hold most relationship together. When you do not have it you can get immune to it but once you get back into it the desire and pleasure may soon come back.

There are many tried and tested strategies (too many to mention here) but at some stage you will need to discuss it so try to find a way to introduce the subject.

[Oldkidontheblock]

Have you tried sending him a sexy text at work suggesting there could be bedroom activity when he gets home? This has worked for me as it gets my imagination etc going as well as his. Good luck!

[ThePeelClinic]

I see this topic has had over 1000 hits so it has struck a nerve.

One of the important things many of my patients tell me (assuming there are no medical or relationship issues) is how difficult it is when you have young children to find the time and place for romance and also having found it at a time when you are not exhausted. I remember this well myself when my children were young.

This of course for many is not always easy to resolve but with some planning and some help from relatives and friends time can and must be found. Having some romantic/sexy time it not easy when you have one ear is on the baby alarm or waiting for the phone to ring announcing some minor child crises or when you are dropping off with exhaustion. Holidays are often a good time to revive things but if you only have a couple a year that is not enough.

How do others on this site manage to find the time when they are not too tired?