resenting my step daughter Post Reply

[altelier]

I feel awful for writing this but I am increasingly resenting my 7 year old step daughter, who by the way is lovely. We had our own baby last June and since then I have found it hard to enjoy having her come and stay with us in the way that I did. I am trying really hard not to show my resentment, of course she must see her father and her new sister but I'm not sure how long I am going to be able to keep up the pretence.
To make matters worse, we have just been asked to have her stay with us in July for a week that clashes with a holiday that we have planned. My husband has said yes but I want to put my foot down and say no. It will be our first holiday with our daughter and I am really looking forward to having something for the just the three of us. Am I ok to ask him to rescind his offer and put our family first for this week or is this just not acceptable? I 'm not a horrible person but feel very torn. I'd love to hear from anyone who is dealing with or has dealt with similar.

[gail0810]

I'm afraid she is his family and always will be - and was before you and your baby came along. His children (regardless or not if they live with him or not) should always be his top priority. You knew he already had a daughter when you got together. Imagine how you would feel if you and your husband split up and he had a new partner who did not make your child welcome, or he did not make your child his priority and his new partner put pressure on him not to. You would be heartbroken and no doubt furious with your ex.

Unfortunately I think you need to take a long hard look at why you are resenting a lovely seven year old child (you say so yourself) and work to understand and address it. Of course she will never mean the same to you as your own child, but for the sake of your marriage and family relationship, I would make a big effort to sort this out before it gets worse. You do not want to be branded the evil stepmother. 

Invite her on the holiday with you. Am sure she would love it and get to spend some quality time with her dad and sister and you might find the change of scenery a blessing and you can enjoy fun new experiences together, or get a break from looking after after the baby by asking your husband and the big sister to.

 

[Frenchtoast]

Loved your reply gail0810
Some people have issues with putting themselves in other people s shoes.
Shame we didjt learn about empathy as part of our school curriculum !
I have noticed, as a counsellor how some women tend to assume they set the rules at home regardless of their husband s feelings/ views......
Its really sad ...

Everyone deserves respect

[muddyboots]

my heart breaks for the poor little girl!
Not only has she had her family break up and a new step mother, but has to deal with the selfish resentment and being unwelcome from her step mom.
Wish she would just disappear so you can play happy families and just erase your partner’s past?
Have you got any idea how selfish you sound.
Have a look at your precious baby and now imagine you fast forward 7 years. Imagine that little girls if your baby.
Not made welcome to connect with her dad but tolerated until next time by her wicked step mother. That’s what you sound like.
I hope it’s hormones speaking for your sake or you are just mean.
You shouldn’t have had a child with a man who already had children if you can’t accept and accommodate the extended family you are a PART OF.
Of course communication if important with regards to a schedule, but this sound like much than that.
As a mother is a shame your motherly love hasn’t got space for this girls too.

[muddyboots]

Not to mention she’s not just your step child l, she’s a half sibling to your own baby!
Honestly, your post has actually upset me.
I just imagine my own lovely 7 year old in that position.
I can also guarantee you that if you make your position knows you will soon find yourself in conflict with your partner. Good luck with that

[HR2611]

Whilst I can understand you possibly wanting some time with your husband and baby (although given the last year of lockdown it’s not like you won’t have seen much of them albeit in a home setting!), this is a young child who presumably doesn’t get to spend much time with her father and you want to deny her that? I very much agree with the other posters.
If one stranger on this group thinks it’s ok, would that make you feel honestly better? Surely a better test is what your real friends and family would say, and in particular your husband.
If it really is an issue, maybe you could suggest a separate holiday another time with just the 3 of you, although do bear in mind that such arrangements particularly where daddy goes off on different nicer holidays with new wife and child will be very hurtful to his daughter as she grows up. He no doubt loves his children equally and wants to treat them the same.
Just a thought, but could your feelings be connected to your husband not being so hands on with baby and extra work for you when the step daughter is staying? Juggling two kids is difficult and as a first time mum it’s daunting, so having your own first birth baby with your step daughter to care for too must be a bit tricky.
It sounds like you need to speak to your husband anyway before it causes problems but having had a step mother and a vaguely similar situation, I would just note that blood being thicker than water is often true so you may not get what you want!

[cookie23]

I have a friend who has recently got divorced. She has an 8 year old daughter. Her daughter comes home sobbing from weekends with her dad and step mum because they make her feel left out and she doesn’t feel like part of her dad’s family. I’m just saying this so you have some perspective on how that poor little girl may feel. I’m sure it’s not like that in your family, but as PP have said, remember that the little girl is going through a lot right now and just needs some love and sense of belonging. Also agree that you married into this situation so should have been prepared to look after and care for another child that is not biologically yours.

I can also relate to feeling up and down and exhausted after looking after a small baby, I wonder whether you need to ask for help (either from your husband or others) to take a breather, it’s a very tiring time.

All the best.

[AbbMum23]

I’m struggling to believe this is real, that a “nice person” could have those feelings. If it is true you sound like a real piece of work. How would you feel if you were his daughter? You should never have married him if you weren’t prepared to think of his daughter as yours when you did.

[Moonlightdawn]

I felt quite dispirited after reading this. To the author of the original post: can you put yourself in your step-daughter's shoes?

How do you think she might feel as a 7-year old to see her family torn apart by divorce? To see her beloved father with a new partner. Weren't you a little girl once...?

Devastated, distressed, upset, anxious, confused, scared and anguished to begin with - that’s how she most likely feels.

Your step-daughter is part of your family too. She and your daughter will be sisters. A holiday with all four of you will be a great way to unite, get close, connect, etc.

Please have compassion and common sense. You are the adult, she is the child. Show her the love and respect she deserves. Be kind and set the example.

[LoveA]

Hello

I think that having a newborn is so intense it is quite human to want time with the baby and whoever is very close, and it can take a while until one feels they have got to know their baby before they are ready to share with other family members and friends.
You don’t sound like you’re being mean otherwise you would not be questioning yourself. Don’t add any guilt to yourself but be aware and kind with your stepdaughter so that this time you take for yourself is not making it too tough for her.
Explain to your husband that you need that privacy for a little while you get to know your baby and bond at ease if that’s how you feel.
You don’t dislike your stepdaughter, it’s just that you may need time before you can be in your role of stepmother again. It’s a tricky role and children feel when they’re being resented.
I am sure that as soon as you will have had this time and space you will naturally be ready to properly get the sisters together and form a family and you won’t have anymore of this resentment.
Make sure to explain to your stepdaughter that you are looking forward to have her more frequently over once you’ve got to figure out yourself who is that new little baby. Good luck it must be difficult.
In the olden times grandparents used to take care of the siblings for a while when a baby was born, which was a good thing.

[ceecee12]

I’m not going to be quick to judge but we don’t see every angle of this. Your step daughter as people have said will always be your husbands first priority over you and your baby. She is the one who is furthest away and the one least in his company.

I really would suggest that you plan really sit down and talk this through with your husband. New baby can stir up all sorts of emotions since you have made your own family unit.

I would maybe spend some time with your step daughter just both you and her. Even if it’s just an activity where you play with each others hair. Bond with her and get that unconditional love she wants to give you and her baby sibling. Give it back.

Regarding your holiday I am not sure why you didn’t think to take her on it in the first place which makes me wonder if this has been a long time coming and you might have always felt this way about him having another child. Honestly let all the pretence and crap go. I bet she just wants to be loved and will love you so much in return.

My advice to you is take baby steps. Don’t fight this and embrace your family of 4. She is yours as much as she is your husbands. Love her like a mother should even if she isn’t your blood. You’re going to play a major role in her life as a mother figure and as role model and I know it will come back to bite you in the arse if you push her away. I give you a warning it will ruin your marriage if you don’t work on it.

The best of luck lovely and remember to love her unconditionally and let yourself do so x

[Polly771]

Hi

I have step children aged 5 and 7, as well as two babies with their dad, and it can be tough. I don’t think it’s unusual to feel resentful - having changes to the household all the time takes some navigation especially with a baby involved, but it’s obviously necessary to ensure that children are protected from any sense of this. Ultimately they will have a long lasting bond with your little one and you want them both to have lots of happy memories with you.

There is not much support out there for step parents but I would recommend reading ‘How to be a happy step mum’ and ‘Stepmonster’ - two books that share other people’s experiences and helped me reframe things in my own head. Lisa Doodson, the author of the former, does zoom calls to listen to specific issues if you think that might help.

Good luck with it all.

[virginiafal]

It could be hormonal, when my second baby was born I was really short tempered with my first child. I was worried and read about mums resenting their eldest once a new baby was born. Basically by nature we have an urge to protect the baby and anyone can be a threat.
As others mentioned the lack of help with lockdowns, etc. as well as becoming a mum are exhausting and pushing everyone to the edge.
Other than bonding with your daughter-in-law yourself, get her to help/bond with the baby? The hormones will pass, maybe helping build a loving relationship betwen siblings will foster positive feelings.
If you don't think that could help maybe talking things out in a safe environment with a therapist or someone external with enough perspective?

[Skyyy]

I agree with previous posters but wanted to add that many women experience weird emotions, even towards their own children after having a baby.
So rather than feeling shame,

1) have you thought of seeing a councillor

2) trie to figure out what is it that annoys you in the visits

3) try to involve the girl in her siblings life? Sometimes the solution is to have some nice together. She will be a great sister and you will love seeing their bond.

Honestly, sometimes our hormones do horrible things to us and we focus our feelings to one person. Take a step back and try to see the real reason for this.

[Toomanykids]

Hi, I just wanted to say I think it’s amazing you’re able to write and voice these emotions which I’m sure are very natural and giving a voice to emotions is the first step in dealing with them. You’re not happy with yourself and how you feel regarding your stepdaughter - I’d recommend talking it through with a psychotherapist who will help you identify where the emotions are really coming from and address them and they will probably fade. Good luck, x