resenting my step daughter Post Reply

[Flowermummy]

Hi altelier,
I think all the replies you got are right- basically, there is no state of the world in which trying to exclude the step daughter is acceptable. If I were you, I’d really forget about “putting your foot down” with your husband - she is his daughter, and he would be a bad father if he just focused on his “new” family.
I do think there is value in what the other posters suggested - trying to figure out why you feel like this.
Best of luck!

[Wowowowow]

Wow you have become the wicked step mother. Are you serious? This poor poor child

[Just_T]

I was that 7 year old child and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt - she feels that resentment. Even if you try hard to hide it, kids perceive the most subtle feelings. And it is scarring for life.

As others have said, you knew what you were getting into and even if it’s not how you thought it would be, you are the adult and it is incumbent upon you to make it work.

My father never put me first and did not protect me from my stepmother’s resentment (or that of my stepsisters who were more vocal and obvious because they were young). I was by no means a frequent intrusion in their lives as we lived thousands of miles apart and still when I visited it was excruciating. As a result, we have no relationship whatsoever today. He has never met his grandchildren. I don’t know if he cares much about that but it took years for me to get over (and to some extent you never do).

She will feel it as rejection. Even if he makes more of an effort with her than my father did with me, he still ‘chose’ you over her - of course the reality is that he chose you over his ex-wife...but that’s not how a child feels it.

So you need to be a great actor. Or better yet, change your approach to thinking of yourself as having two beautiful children.

[altelier]

Thanks so much to everyone for making me see sense. I will get this sorted in my head. To be clear, I have never been mean to my step daughter, or made my feelings obvious to my husband. I recognise that she needs to spend time with her dad and likewise he with his daughter. This is more about my new family unit and making time for us. From the replies I can see that this just isn't an option unless I want to come across as the wicked stepmother which I absolutely do not want to be. I obviously have this out of perspective.

[Phoenixpayne]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting a holiday with your husband and new baby.
The stepdaughter also has a mother that could take her on holiday.
I would personally speak with husband and suggest you do a holiday with just you three.
Some people's comments are ridiculous so if your husband and yourself and baby are invited to an event hosted by your family must stepdaughter come along too?
Just because you're married to someone who has other children that dont live with them doesn't mean you're not entitled to do things with your own personal family, might I add if stepchild lived with you my views would be different

[munno7777]

Dear all,

Can we all be a little kinder to the poster please.
She has said she feels awful about her feelings - we should support her instead of calling her the wicked stepmother!


Dear poster,

We can not help the way we feel, however we can change the way we feel. I think your strong feelings have a lot to do with hormones. You need to talk to someone, it will help. Maybe when your stepdaughter comes over you should encourage her and your partner to take over baby duties and have a nap or pop out for a pedicure. Take some time out for yourself.

Brave you for asking for help. Things will get better, you will get through this.

[MrBalham99]

Many have said how they feel about your selfishness already so I will only add two comments. 

1) well done for even communicating about it as compassion is obviously hard for you

2) my partner and were in your situation a few years ago, with a new baby arriving and my having another child. The difference is that we, and separately she, went out of our way to make my other child feel included when they came to stay - specifically so they would not feel left out of the "new unit". 

I'm glad you are aware of your limitations and I cannot urge you strongly enough to overcome them for everybody's sakes.

[ClaphamPkorNot?!]

Well done on noticing it and deciding to do something about the way you feel.  As some posters suggest, don't shy away from getting some counselling on this; it's very beneficial for someone to help you see where your thoughts come from and to gain some perspective.

I have a step-mum who is very underinvested in me and over time, has swayed my dad's head and for who I know I play second fiddle to one half-sister. 

I also have a step-dad, who despite no longer being married to my mum, still treats me as his son.  I know he felt jealous of the time my mum had with me for a number of years after he married my mum and they had my half-sisters, but airing it at least allowed my mum to point out the obvious.

With the best will in the world, you chose to become a step-mum and a mum.  Parenthood is tough at the best of times, but time to step-up, with support. 

[Stepmummy]

How you are feeling is entirely natural and normal. Being a step parent is extremely difficult and it’s hard to navigate in terms of managing your feelings and everyone else’s feelings. A really good book called the Step parent parachute is available on Amazon and it’s got some wonderful advice and clarity on the issue.
Well done in being brave in writing down how you feel, despite all the negative comments, you’re human and it’s normal to feel that way, until you’ve been a step parent it’s hard for anyone else to understand.
I’m a step parent to 5 children with my own birth child, providing you are a team with your husband and talk to him about how you feel you’ll be ok. Think of your step child as an extension of your husband and treasure her as you do him, that way it’ll be easier to reconcile. But I promise you this won’t be the last time you feel this way, it takes time and patience. Good luck. X

[Elsie]

I think you were very brave to write your true current feelings and ask for feedback on them. My thoughts are that you need to do a complete overhaul on what you allow yourself to think about this. Imagine you are one big family with two beautiful daughters, and when one is with her mother, you’re missing a limb!! There should be no such thing as a holiday without both your girls. That is their bonding time to grow memories together and unite as siblings. Your biological daughter will thank you one day for allowing her sibling to be her sibling, she will have peace of mind knowing from her heart that you love her sister as much as she does and that you don’t differentiate between the two. She will feel strength in the bond when she sees she is not favoured by you over her sister. Take it from someone whose mum did not offer that. My poor half-sister is still scarred by my mother’s poorly masked lack of love for her (actions speak louder than words) and I still feel like the ham in a sandwich I never wanted to be in.... my sister telling me she’s aware of how my mum rejects her, my mum acting as if the lack of invitations to things are innocent oversights. If a counsellor would help, address it now before it impacts these gorgeous girls’ relationship, your relationship with your husband, and your relationship with your biological daughter.

[Commonality]

I’m really sad to see the shaming, angry and unfiltered language a number of posters have put on you here, when you are at a vulnerable time of life and have been very brave to think this through ask for advice. Quite ironic to preach about compassion with such a blinding lack of compassion to this new mum. What poor, unthoughtful repayment for your humility and courage. You are clearly being really thoughtful, self aware and honest. It’s actually amazing; the opposite of what some people have said. Well done.

You clearly care enormously about this little girl and have spotted something that could affect her, something you want to protect her from, and are looking at how to do that. The fact that it comes from within you is irrelevant. We are all made up of feelings, instincts, unconscious motivations, good and bad, over which we do not have moral control - it is what we do with them that makes morality. Not acknowledging them is the best way to make them come out and do harm. You are doing wonderfully giving this real thought and airing it, especially at such a vulnerable emotional time.

Moreover I think these feelings are extremely natural. In evolutionary terms, your instinct as mother is that the father of your child must protect your child, especially straight after birth when the mother is physically weakened, and we are programmed to guard against competition in that. You’re experiencing something you’re not culpable for, - it’s the very living legacy of our evolutionary past. You’re not at fault. You’re to be lauded for seeing it.

A counsellor will definitely help but as evidenced by the above posts, be careful who you see. You don’t need more judgement. I’m going to recommend someone if NVN lets me at a company called Pathways - Julie Johnson.

Talking it through with your husband is also key but again, maybe see someone who gets it in psychotherapy terms first so you truly help him understand and not feel alienated from either you or his daughter. You are just working through what you need to. Equip yourself with the right language to do that.

You’re on the journey of motherhood and family building which requires us to become bigger people than we were before. You’re taking the steps courageously and rising to it. It’s a journey that brings up things we didn’t know about ourselves and the world before, - sometimes ugly things - and we have a choice to either look them in the face and start to work with them, or squash and bury them under shame, judgement and fear. You’re choosing the harder, braver, better way. Bravo.

[BeStepWise]

When you have a child of your own you have such love for them. You find a love you never knew you had. As a mother you also have natural hormones that make you very protective of your young. My view is that it is the most natural thing in the world to want to 'nest' with just your own baby, your husband and you. This is a survival instinct. This happens so much with new mothers. My message to you is not to feel bad about having these natural feelings. They are normal. I am so happy that you have had this wonderful bonding experience with your baby. Enjoy it. It's a very special time. 

The question is, what to do about theses feeling when you also have another child who belongs to your partner, who visits. It is natural to have these resentful feelings. But there are things you can do about the situation to make it much better. I think it's really important to do the right things so the family doesn't go wrong. I am a step-mother, and I have been a step-child. I run a website called BeStepWise. I offer free email response service. If you would like to contact me through that, I can respond to you directly. Many people have this issue. There are things that can be done to make the whole thing ok. 

[NoodleFan]

I can’t believe how many nasty posts there are on this thread. Would you speak to this woman like that in person? What if she’s struggling with PND or something. I agree with the points in principle but the way it’s been said is horrible! Why can’t people just reply to a question with their point without trolling the poster.

[NoodleFan]

Really pleased to see some kinder posts later on.

[parkgatejoe]

Hi there, 

I am sorry you are in this position. I was a step parent for 17 years and we had our daughter a few years in too. It was tricky and my relationship between myself and my step son essentially ended that relationship. There were other issues too between my ex and I but this dynamic in the house quickly became toxic for all, especially as he grew into a early 20s, and we broke up a few years ago. My daughter has never really gotten over it, six years on.

My advice for you will be this:

1) You haven't got a new family, you have added to your existing one. It will be in everyone's interests that this vulnerable 7 year old girl, who has gone through a parental divorce, probably internalised a lot of that pain, needs stability and love from all. She will need to stay a part of your family, and not feel she has been replaced/usurped.

2) You will have opportunity to bond as a three, just be patient. However, if you carry through this current instinct and marginalise your step daughter, you are creating a problem, maybe not today, but somewhere down the line, probably when she is around 10-13 years old. If something starts to go wrong with her, it will be create stress for your husband, which will impact your marriage.

3) It's tough. Step parenting is horribly tough. Thankless. I would not want to do it again. I lived with my step son full time for over 15 years. It sounds as though your step-daughter is only with you part time. Surely this is manageable? One week during the July holiday? That's not so bad. You put your foot down, cancel her staying with her Dad? Create tensions with his ex? Create tensions with the husband? Not worth it.

4) You started a relationship with a father, it changes a man, it probably gave him characteristics that you fell in love with. This may well be tougher than you anticipated, especially the early days, but your step-daughter needs her Dad. Let him be a father to both his children and support him. She also needs you, even during the tough times between yourself and her. You have an opportunity to create a loving home for both children. Take it easy on yourself, you're not going to love her like she is your own, but you can love her. Make the best of it, as best you can. 

Good luck with it all,

PJ