Should I speak to parent or school about bullying? Post Reply

[Starfish1]

Could someone kindly offer some advice. My youngest seems to have fallen out with her oldest friend and feels she is being excluded at school at break times, lunch times etc. I thought that it would work itself out but we've now had a couple of mornings of 'my tummy hurts' 'I don't want to go to school'. This is obviously not good but my real issue is how best to handle the situation as the friend in question is the daughter of someone that I don't particularly get on with, whole other story!  My gut reaction is to pick up the phone and speak to her directly but my husband wants me to contact school and leave it to them as they are there on the ground where it is happening. Will alerting school will cause more issues between them? It is quite a strict school when it comes to things like this and I don't want her to think I am being vindictive.  Apologies for the long post.

[muddyboots]

I recommend dealing with it via school. Call them and ask to speak to the teacher and raise your concerns.
It often leads to disagreement or awkwardness between parents if you bring it up as no matter how objective people think they are they are not when it comes to their children.
People get offended or refuse to believe what their child is doing to another or believe any excuse their child tells them .
Good luck !

[Starr]

Definitely via school by speaking to the class teacher. They can do a lot if it's brought to their attention and it will blow over and the girls will be friends again or your daughter may just seek out new friends. I speak from experience, raising exclusion and mean behaviour with mothers of other girls really is not a good idea especially unless you are very close friends with that parent.
Best wishes x

[ellesmum]

Having been in a similar position a few years ago, I would say definitely let the school deal with it. Sometimes apples don't fall far from trees, and school are far better placed to adjust that kind of behaviour than parents, especially if there are already issues between the parents.

[NoodleFan]

Yep definitely the teacher. They’ll be dealing with this sort of thing constantly and hopefully a quick word with the child will sort it without the other parent even being involved.
Most parents have been there, especially with girls… good luck.

[Flowermummy]

Definitely the school!
I would speak to the form teacher, ask for her views on how to deal with it. In some cases, it may not be as obvious a thing as your child makes out, so the school needs to observe what is happening (I speak from experience, as it happened to one of my kids, it really wasn’t as bad as he was making it out and the issue was resolved in a few weeks).
Best of luck!

[Forgetmenot]

This can be a very emotive topic. I had this issue at school and went to the head teacher. Unbeknownst to me my husband spoke to one of the parents. It all kicked off and I got sent to Coventry. It was like being back at school in the playground although it never actually happened to me at school! My daughter stopped being invited to play dates for a while. So I would suggest that being that it’s happening at school, let school deal with it and see how it goes. I do hope you get it sorted out.

[Bridget Dagnall]

Definitely speak to the school. I wonder if your daughter's school has a school counsellor (Place2Be). I am one myself and this is a recurring problem that children often bring to their sessions. Give your daughter plenty of opportunities to talk about her experience.
I do hope it can soon be sorted out.

[parentpractice]

Hello Starfish 1

My advice is somewhat different to many of the posts here, as whilst I don't recommend you speak to the other parents, there are strategies you can try, before involving the school.

You don't say how old your daughter is, but these kind of friendship issues  are commonplace from year 3 onwards and are a glimpse of social development in progress. Your daughter’s goal  is to work out how to handle conflict respectfully, how to communicate her feelings, how to make up, how to appreciate others, apologise when wrong and learn how to share. These are a complex set of social skills and she can learn as much from the ‘mean girls’ as the ‘nice ones’.
 It does not mean your daughter is a victim if she’s being excluded by her best friend, nor does it imply the other girl is a mean girl necessarily  -however if your daughter is feeling sad, upset and even a little confused at how her friend is  behaving towards her,it’s important you listen to her and validate her feelings, without jumping in with advice too quickly. I don’t advise you to speak to the other parents. This conversation rarely goes the way you want it to, as parents generally become defensive. Far better to focus on strategies to help your daughter, before you involve the school 

1. Ask her what makes a good friend – let her work out that someone who is not kind, not supportive, excludes you, who does not respect you and who talks about you behind your back, is not being a good friend.
   
2. Nurture friendships outside of school. If shes's still at primary school, you  will need to engineer this, but day trip outings, group activities outside of school and lunch with family friends are essential.
   
3. Encourage your daughter to stand up for herself and be assertive by brainstorming with her for some quick non-confrontational comebacks e.g. “Whatever”, “Really I didn’t know that”, “That’s your opinion not mine”  ,“ Hmm…that’s not such a kind thing to say, not sure you would like that if I said it to you.”  Practice these as otherwise it will be hard to deliver these in the moment.
   
4. Teach her how to be supportive if she sees others being targeted - the most powerful strategy is for the bystanders to support the target by saying “you can come and play with us” or “that’s really not a kind thing to say.”
   
5. Give her lots of approval and descriptive praise so her self-esteem is strong and she does not become too dependent on peer approval.
   
6. For the time being she may need to distance herself from her best friend ( and I do appreciate that will be very painful for her) until things calm down. 
   

Remember at this age all friendships involve being close and having distance from time to time and it’s normal to have these ups and downs. If things seem to escalate and not calm down, then by all means involve the schools' support but for now always best to arm your daughter with the skills to see if she can sort this out herself with you scaffolding her and giving her lots of support emotionally.

Interestingly I just did a webinar on Girls and Friendships recently on this very topic and no surprise it was my most popular topic. Very happy to gift you access to this if you email me at elaine@theparent practice.com, as always happy to help

 

[Dee830]

I am currently dealing with a similiar situation , “ the queen bee “ has put the other girls against my daughter . I’ve talked to the parrents and the school principal and the counsler . No one listens . It has gotten physical . And it has gotten worse . “The queen bee “ goes around hurning my daughters reputation to anyone that will listen . She is a mean girl . She laughs at the disabled kids in the school and comments negativaly on people clothes , however a lot of people like her and take sides with her . I don’t get it . They attend the same sports in and out of school , i have had to remove my daughter from certain places and sports because of her . I just want peace for my daughter . 4th grade she is 9 the other bullies are 10. 4th grade .