want to move my family back to Aus Post Reply

[homesick aussie]

Posting under a different name today but would love some help as can't see a way through.

In summary I am an Aussie who has lived here for close on two decades. I met my English husband whilst taking my masters and we settled here and started a family.

This last year has made me very homesick and I have become consumed by returning home. My husband however is point blank refusing to entertain the idea. He says that I committed to our life being here when we married as he didn't want to live in Australia and hands up I did, but that doesn't change how I am feeling now.

What I can't work out is how we resolve this. Do I just bury my feelings and stay as that is what I committed to nearly 20 years ago?! I can't just up and off and leave my children and neither do I want to leave my husband but I do have an overwhelming desire to go home.

I feel he is being very unreasonable not to even try and find a way though this, I have suggested that he takes a sabbatical for a year, my thinking being that maybe this has all come about because we can't easily visit etc. and a stretch of time over there might change how I feel. He says it isn't a good time for him and work etc.

I'm out of ideas and would love some if anyone has any.

[Ramaboo]

I"m in a similar life position to you - but in my case I dont' particularly want to go back. I visit every other year and fortunately it's usually enough to remind me that the grass is not always greener.

Do you have friends there who you can speak to honestly about the idea? you may find they tell you it's not all that. (mine do, as many have lived here and pine for the UK)

Can you agree to go for a month at Christmas? (not this Christmas, obvs!) Or if your own work is not a problem, could your husband come with you for a fortnight next summer, then you stay longer with the kids. Might get it out of your system.

Failing that, can you make an agreement eg you do this in 3 years time, for 12-18 months, and that's it. It kind of depends on his job and the ages of the children. 

Good luck!

[20y_in_UK]

Dear homesick Aussie,
I feel for you. I also lived in the UK for 20 years, married there / 3 kids there / adult friend group there and then our family moved to Australia 5 years ago.
It was a ‘Brexit push’ rather than a family choice. My Latin American wife was very against the move but we had to for financial reasons. It took about a year for the children to settle and 3 years for my wife to stop yearning for Europe.
Five years in, we as a family, have been enjoying life in Australia but there has been a lot we miss about Europe. We plan to move back to Europe in the next 12 months.
In short, there is no perfect answer as to where is a better place to live - there are pros & cons for both. However if you have a strong desire to spend some time in OZ - do it for a period of time and find this out yourself.
I found out how different I had become having lived in the UK for so long - bit of a ‘reverse cultural shock’ but I will always call Australia home (good name for a song) and want the freedom to come and go as I please.
If there is a way to connect directly to discuss I am happy to do so.
Regards
CG

[mummybubble]

I really feel for you and share some of your feelings having lived here for 21 years and having aging family back in Oz, who I’ve not been able to visit for the last 2 years (and counting).

This sounds a very tough situation. I wonder if seeing a couples therapist could help you both untangle your respective thoughts, desires and feelings about what is a very complex situation? It might at least be a forum to gather greater empathy for the other person’s position.

For myself, although life here is pretty good (leaving aside the last year and a bit!) I’ll always miss home and the alternative reality we may have had if we’d lived there with our 2 children. I do think the reality would have been somewhat different to my rose tinted view of it though

Good luck navigating a hard situation and I would also be happy to connect privately to discuss further if that helped. x

[astro]

Seems like we’ve found a support group for Aussies missing home

I too am in a similar position - have been here 17 years, married a Brit and have 2 kids. We’ve always talked of trying life over there ‘one day’ but the goalposts keep moving, and my husband really won’t consider it because of his work. He’s said he’ll go when he has had enough with his current career but I’m mindful that that may be too late as there will become a point where it is difficult to move the kids at crucial points of schooling. I get frustrated that his economic prospects trump me seeing my family.

However at the same time, I am also fearful however that I won’t like it myself now - and it is such a big responsibility to move a happy family to the other side of the world. Very interesting to hear the perspective above in terms of someone who has tried it and is thinking of coming back.

So I don’t have any advice I’m afraid, just sympathy. I do think it is worse currently due to the inability to travel. What are his reasons for not wanting to go? Would he consider something different in the future?

More than happy to go for a coffee and chat, even just so that you have someone on moan to! Just PM me.

[Djajette]

Another Aussie here who has spent most of their adult life in London. After 5 years of consideration I have recently moved back with two preteens in tow (minus a husband) and whilst the kids are loving it I just want to go “home” to London!

I have an amazing network of friends and family. We will be able to afford a larger home and better quality of life. The climate is wonderful. I have more support to pursue my own career. Despite all this I still prefer our life in London and believe the kids had better opportunities over there.

Can you find a way to protect your interests in England and take the kids for a year or two “experience” in Australia? I recently learned that the only way the kids are guaranteed to be able to pass on their Aussie citizenship to their own kids is to spend two years living here. This seems a good enough reason in itself to give it a go.

There is a good chance you might also realise the dream doesn’t live up or simply suit you, in which case you can easily return. If it is for you then you can plan to stay, confident you decided having recently tried both.

[TrueBluGirl]

Wow I’m amazed how many of us are in the same situation. I’m an Aussie, 18 years in the Uk, married to an English guy I met in my first flat share. We have two young children together but since lockdown I’ve been desperately missing my family back home and even recently started the visa application to move my husband and kids back. Only problem is that he is not overly keen on the idea either. He’s hoping that once everything returns to normal and we can visit Oz, I’ll lose interest in moving back. He has also voiced that it was my decision to come here and he has no desire to leave his work, parents and family for Oz.

Before lockdown the thought of returning never crossed my mind and I’m definitely feeling better now that we are getting some freedom back. I’m enjoying seeing my close friends again and the weather is improving.

All I can say is maybe see how you feel once things get back to normal and then you will know for certain (like myself) if it’s a knee jerk reaction to everything going on in the last year.

Best of luck making the right decision!

[Ramaboo]

I fear we are not a very helpful group, we're just moaning about our own problems

[MMum]

Hi,

This isn't exactly a solution but hopefully some reassurance. I'm in the opposite position- Brit living in Australia (couldn't bring myself to cancel NVN emails when I moved 4 years ago!).

Myself and most other Brits are missing home so much more now that we can't just hope on a plane and fly back whenever we like. Some people have moved back because a permanent move is the only way to get a permit to leave Australia. I'm just hoping the travel ban ends soon and we can start visiting for holidays again and have family visit us here. And more importantly just be able to fly back quickly if needed.

There are pros and cons to life in both places. I can understand why your husband doesn't want to leave London given that he never chose to be in the position of having to make the choice. He would be in the same position in Australia as you are in London. Sorry if that seems insensitive to you.

Hopefully when the pandemic and travel ban passes and you can visit for holidays your feelings will pass and you'll feel more settled in London again. If not, and you end up planning a move, your husband will need a spouse visa, which is a lo g and expensive process. It depends on your area of work but most people find their career suffers a lot when they move and a lot of people say their kids find it unsettling. The school systems are very different so a short term move would affect education. Then if you move back you'll have the same issues again in reverse.

Sorry this isn't the most positive of posts. A couple of years back in Aus must sound very tempting but hopefully reinstatement of travel and a few holidays will help you settle again in London.

[ktk]

Comforting to know we're not along!  Similar situation here after 21 years, although we spent 3 years in Oz a few years ago which was lovely, and a bit surreal now and feels like a holiday.  There were downsides - missing diversity and Australia seems to be very nanny state and right wing in places.

Moving back to the UK was really exciting and we couldn't get enough of it.  However now with covid I do dream of moving back, but also agree grass is greener - just a shame we can't even SEE that green grass.  Annual trips make it so much easier.

My husband couldn't work in Australia in his specific area of finance and it's very expensive to live there so think we will be here until kids finish school in 8 years (education is much better here and they had to catch up a lot coming back) then hopefully split time between UK and Oz and then see what retirement brings down the line. 

Hang in there - I would definitely tell a loved up 20-something to carefully consider marrying someone from the other side of the world - someone is always going to be missing 'home'.

xx

[astro]

I have often thought the same ktk - it is all so easy when you’re young and you fall in love not quite understanding the ramifications for later in life!

I’d be interested to hear more about the differences in schooling since you’ve done both. You said your kids had to ‘catch-up’ when they came back - was that in all areas? Is it because they start school a bit later in Aus?

Thanks

[ktk]

Hi Astro - regarding school.. they were 4 and 6 went we moved back to Sydney and the 6 year old was embarrassingly far ahead as she was half way through year 2 at Newton Prep then went to start year 1 there.  However being young she just settled in to what they were doing.  The 4 year old boy had a ball going to an outdoor focused nursery until he was 51/2.

Moved back here when they were 7 1/2 and 9 1/2 so they went from years 1-3 and 3-5, and hello 11+!!!  She was so far behind we had to do a lot of tutoring and also socially girls in year 3 and year 5 are very different even if the same age.  Anyway, she is lucky to be smart enough to have picked up and done alright, I'm so glad we didn't leave it another year!

She's now finishing year 8 and it's strange her old friends are in the first half of year 7. I love the education system here, and particularly the A level process over the HSC.

Please let me know if there's anything else you'd like to know.  

Good luck everyone - this sunshine is definitely helping the homesickness this week! xx