how to tell a friend who has been trying for a baby for ages I am pregnant Post Reply

[new to nappies]

Hello. I have been more of as lurker on this site until now but have a question.
I am very recently pregnant with my first and just shared the news with family and now want to tell friends. One of my closest friends has been struggling to get pregnant for a very long time, much longer than I have been trying. She has been down the IVF route etc. but sadly this wasn't successful. I am finding it hard to find the best way to tell her my news as I know it will be hard for her. She is a dear friend and I really don't want to hurt her but obviously it isn't news that I can keep from her. My mum suggested telling her by phone or by text but I 'm not sure that this is a good idea?

[teaandcake]

Congratulations! I think a phone call might be a good idea so that your friend can take in the news and deal it with privately but I would pop round to see her soon afterwards in person. I'm sure that she will be happy for you and would want to see you in person. Personally I don't think that a text is a good idea. Good luck.

[peanutbutterontoast]

I can see why your mum would suggest this but to be honest I would suggest that you go and see her and tell her in person. This way you can acknowledge that this will be difficult news for her and support her. You don't want her to think that you couldn't face her, that might make things worse. Congratulations and best of luck with your decision.

[honor79]

Firstly, huge congratulations!

Getting pregnant has always a struggle for me so I've been on the receiving end of friends' happy tidings many, many times. There's no nice way of saying it: it's horribly, horribly hard when one's friends fall pregnant, seemingly very easily. One is of course delighted for them, but it makes you feel like a failure and the ache for a baby grows ever stronger.

FWIW, I found it preferable to get a phone call: a text/email is a bit sterile, and being told in person makes it harder to burst into tears (which she'll almost certainly feel like doing). If your friend is upset, then she can end a phone call more easily than she can walk out of a cafe.

But pls do it sooner rather than later: I had several dear friends who couldn't face telling me, so put it off until we met or until they were ready to pop, and that made it worse.

One of my friends told me her news, and then said that if she reached term, would I consider being the child's godmother. I don't know if your friend is someone you're sufficiently close to for that, but I was incredibly touched. I realised that it was at least partly a consolation prize, but it was such a sweet gesture.

Best of luck with the pregnancy and best of luck to your friend. Tell her to keep faith: I have three children now, and it took me at least four years with each one (and nearly seven between 2 and 3)!

[99pctpractice]

Congratulations! Amazing news for you.

I would agree with your mum and say best not to do it in person. Because although she’ll no doubt be happy for you, she will likely struggle not to feel sad for herself and it is harder to politely escape in person. I would suggest a call but maybe send a text beforehand to say you have some news and would like a chat. That’ll give her the chance to guess so she can prepare herself a bit.

I’m going through ivf at the moment, and it is emotionally and physically not easy. It’s possible that she might not want to see you that much while you’re pregnant if she’s still not pregnant herself and try not to take it personally if she does distance herself a bit - it’s just self-protection. Or she might be completely fine about it - everyone is different.

Best of luck!

[ABalham]

Hi,

From the mouth of my friend whom is struggling to conceive..she has said that a message is preferred. Therefore no immediate response is needed.

Announcements are triggering, so perhaps a "I've got some news to share" at a reasonable hour and then a follow up message re the pregnancy.

I have not been in this position, but just sharing what my friend has voiced.

[Orlu]

Congratulations!! That’s amazing news. I’m also recently pregnant with my first, however I conceived though IUI (having had a few rounds of IVF)

I’d agree that a message or WhatsApp would be better. If you’re very close then maybe a phone call - but face to face is hard, as my initial reaction usually used to be a combination of excitement for my friend, and sadness that it hadn’t happened for me yet. So when people told me face to face I’d worry if they noticed etc - hearing it virtually then gave me the chance to get used to it. That’s just my experience though, and others mat have found it different

[LFG87]

I was in your friends position for several years. I found face to face announcements so hard, it was always such a difficult reminder that I still wasn’t pregnant. And face to face meant that I could not digest the news alone or sometime leave. She will be happy for you, but it just may not displayed in the way that others may react.

[dudette]

Yes I agree don’t do it in person - she’ll feel obliged to look happy for you when it’s killing her inside. Why don’t you do it the old fashioned way and write her a letter or card, acknowledging you understand it will be hard for her. Then she can take her time to respond when she feels up to it.

[aevinnoymksed]

Definitely think a text is the way to go. NO scan pictures.  It will be hard for her and if you send a message she is given time to muster the enthusiasm and happiness for you which I'm sure she will feel alongside her own sadness.  It's really really difficult for people, if she is not super positive try not to take it personally.