MIL allowed boyfriend we haven't met to take daughter to park Post Reply

[cheesestraws]

Can anyone tell me if it Is it me or my MIL who is out of line here? Just back from an overnight stay to celebrate a friend's 40th. My MIL kindly offered to stay over and look after our 3 year old daughter. On Thursday last week she phoned to ask if it was OK if her boyfriend join her for dinner. Neither my husband or I have ever met her boyfriend but said yes.When we got back she told us that he had actually come over mid afternoon on Saturday and he'd taken my daughter to the park to give her a break. When I commented that I felt very uncomfortable about her allowing this she just lost it, insulted me and stormed off in tears. I don't want to fall out with my MIL but I think what she did was wrong and potentially dangerous and she should apologise. Would love to know if I have got this all wrong? 

[Greyskies]

I think you are  completely right to want to meet and assess any person who will have access to your child, particularly unsupervised access.

I think your MIL accepts  this too which is why she asked you whether it was OK for her to invite her boyfriend over.  And this probably explains her over reaction when you challenged her on her decision. 

That said, I think much depends on who the boyfriend is and how long she has known him. If he is eg a  teacher in a local school and she has been seeing him for a while that would be very different from a random man  she had met last week on a dating app.

In future though I would not leave your child in MILs sole charge as she appears to be finding it difficult to cope on her own.  But try not to let this develop into a family rift. 

 

[waltzer]

I would be furious.

I think that it is a massive lapse of judgement on her part and she probably knows it which is possibly why she reacted in the way that she did.

I agree with the previous poster, if he is someone who has been DBS checked for whatever reason that may mitigate the situation a little but in reality he seems to have been put in sole charge of yor daughter within minutes of arriving. That's not great.

Maybe go and see her with your husband to explain where you are coming from but I do think that she is in the wrong. Good luck!
 

[muddyboots]

You are absolutely right and I would not leave my child with the MIL again.
She’s shown not only a complete lack of judgement, what’s worse she’s not able to see it when you raised your concerns.

It’s wrong in so many levels. You left your child with her as the trusted person in charge, so leave young child with a totally unknown male is bewildering.

1) your child doesn’t know him
2) you didn’t know him
3) even your MIL can’t be so sure of who he really is if a new boyfriend?! He is her boyfriend .. not a childminder … how does she know how he looks after a child .. let alone if he’s a weirdo !

Don’t be bullied to back down just because she’s thrown a tantrum.
It’s your child and your instincts are 100% correct, end of. Do what you need to do to keep her safe and to feel comfortable.

[sarcarsam]

I would be freaking out as well. A stranger alone with your kid is 100% not ok. I'm so sorry this happened. I am getting anxious just thinking about it.

But, I can't help wondering what your MIL was thinking that got her to a place that she made this decision. Do you think she was overwhelmed? Maybe she took on too much.

Nothing makes it right, but if I have learned anything from this past year of huddling inside with our kids, it is thank goodness for grandparents. I wonder how you can find a way forward that works for everyone? Your LO needs time with his/her grandparents. You need a break from time to time. What would work for your MIL? Do you need a 24-hr limit for babysitting or should activities/playdates be planned for grandparent weekends? How many visits with new BF would make you feel comfortable or is that 100% off-limits? When things die down, you need convo about boundaries. Start with gratitude for her eagerness to help...then work on some of the tougher issues.

To be clear, I say all this and my MIL just took my 2 year old for breakfast ice cream soooo I get it...it is complicated!

[Busymumof2SW17]

You are not unreasonable. I would have felt livid!!

[Sw111111]

I think the mil of husband is a really tricky role and hope it’s important to you your child has the opportunity to know and be loved by their grandmother.

It was a bad call by your mother in law, but try and find a way forward to insure it doesn’t happen again and she understands your concerns without creating a lifetime rift. Make sure your mother in law feels loved and appreciated not totally humiliated; she loves your child too and wouldn’t want any harm to come to them either.

[Mayamoo]

What does your husband think? Suggest you have a conversation with him, agree a united stance and as and when the storm settles speak to the MIL and explain your concerns and the risks associated with sending your child off with a stranger etc. She probably knows she has made an error of judgment on this occasion - hope you can find a way forward.

[dudette]

I agree with you and everyone else. I also think her completely over the top reaction to your totally justifiable concerns does suggest she is somewhat crazy! It’s definitely up to your husband to sort things out. You have a right to be offended both by her action and her reaction.

[i'macowboy]

I’m a pretty relaxed parent and even I would be pretty horrified by this. Like everyone else, I think your MIL’s reaction is a reflection of the fact that underneath she knows it was completely the wrong thing to do. When you’re both calm again I’d be having a serious chat with her.

[Torcat]

Gosh, you are totally right to be upset. It's not just that he is an unknown male, it's also that he is unknown. How do you know if he is safe to supervise a 3 year old around crossing the road etc...there are all sorts of reasons for you not being happy with this. I would get your husband to have a chat to his mum and explain why you were both upset and concerned and understand how this will be managed in the future. You don't want this to cause a rift, but on the other hand your concerns are more important than your MIL's feelings and a clear boundary needs to be set.

[cheesestraws]

Huge thanks everyone for reassuring me that I wasn't being unreasonable or going mad!!

My husband has suggested to my MIL that we pop in to see her to have a chat and get things sorted.  She was very open to this idea and I'm hopeful that we wil get everything sorted. 

Thanks again for your supportive responses xx
 

[betterannabel]

totally with you @cheesestraws, when i had DD i was so paranoid i asked my MIL to have her new help show me a crb check before allowing them to babysit!! xx