can i move my terminally ill father in with a young family at home? Post Reply

[queenofhearts]

Can anyone offer some advice.
My dad is terminally ill and I have a young family. On top of struggling with the inevitable loss, I am finding the guilt of leaving the children to spend time with my dad and vice versa very overwhelming.

I would like to move my dad in with us so that I can be there for him and my children. My partner isn't on board with this at all. He thinks that the children will be traumatised and the burden on me and our family will be too great. Is he right? We are usually very united in family decisions but this one is causing a lot of angst.

Sorry for the depressing post so early on a Wednesday morning but it is getting the better of me.

[SWtastic]

What does your dad want,  as this is an important factor?  I know my MIL didn't want to see her grandchildren near the end but another family member did, so everyone is different.

If he wants this and you can, I think it is a good idea but you will need support and to tap into carers to give you a break.  Perhaps you could get someone from MacMillan or similar to meet you at home and explain what realistically would be involved? 

I suspect your husband's fears are borne out of ignorance and if he knows what's involved, he may think differently.  As for your children, I can't imagine why they would be traumatised.  Children are generally very matter of fact in these situations, as long as they are being told the truth, and I imagine having their Grandfather spend this time with them would be a real privilege - and likewise for him to have them around at such an awful time for him.

All the best to you and your family. 

[siembravirtud]

It takes courage for both situations so whatever you decide is correct.
I can tell you from my experience that we had a terminally ill grandmother living with us and we were privileged to be surrounded her with love until she passed away.
My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Starr]

I'm so sorry to hear about your father.
Having been through this twice I would say what becomes very tough and stressful is caring for your family and a dying parent who are not nearby as well as the sadness of seeing you parent go through this. I dont think it will be traumatising for your young children if you have the space for him in your home as well as the ability/ facilities to care for him. You could have a palliative team to help at home and perhaps a carer to give you respite. I would discuss end of life care and see if you can manage it. I definitely think being able to have him near you would be much better for you both and your family as you wouldn't be spending time away and travelling.
However, if it is impossible for you to care for him at your home don't beat yourself up over it. Do discuss it with the palliative care team. My experience was they are so fantastic.
Sending love and best wishes.

[sunsout]

Sorry to read about your ill father.
I really don't wish to come across as unkind but I am with your husband. My own mother cared for my grandmother for several years at our family home and I think it took its toll big time. She gave up her job, became hostess to brothers and sisters who 'popped' in and when eventually her mother needed to go into a home she had a boatload of guilt. I would not underestimate what you will be taking on if you go down this path. Who else is sharing the load with your father and who else do you have to help with your children? You really can only expect so much of yourself.

[caity]

My sympathies to you. If it helps to know about my experience, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer whilst visiting us when I was 7 and ended up staying with us during her illness and death about 6 months later (she lived alone abroad so no-one wanted her to go back). My brothers were younger than me.

It was sad at times but definitely not traumatic. On the contrary it was an important bonding for our immediate and wider family. We saw very tender moments - a precious memory was seeing my Dad lift his mother in-law in his arms from her bedroom into the bathroom. It was the time I realised that he could be strong and kind as well as funny and clever. We were able to have great and easy conversations with grandma by popping into her room while Mum and Dad were busy without it being a big deal or a strange scary environment. We got to see that illness and dying can be painful and sad but a part of the cycle of life and something that can be faced together with love. Our home became the hub for visits for wider family so we saw it as the heart of a big circle of people who loved her and us.

Yes, I saw my parents (especially my Mum) get tired and strained. But nurses came in to help and we did what we could as tiny children to help too (no doubt almost imperceptible efforts to tidy our own rooms and clear the table!). There was also a
lot of laughter and usual childhood naughtiness in the house, so it felt very normal most of the time. What we didn’t have until the last couple of days when grandma went into a hospice was regular absence of my mum or her; or hushed conversations amongst adults about sad/scary things we didn’t understand. Personally I think we might have found that more upsetting. I was devastated when she died but I have never doubted how much care there was.

Everyone’s view of caring and death is different so I hope you find what works best for your family. I am sure I don’t remember all the sad times and probably never knew most of the strain and the upset for the adults. I don’t underestimate the burden it might be. But I hope it helps your husband to hear that if your Dad does come to your home it may be a surprisingly positive experience for your children.

[smiley]

https://eol-doula.uk/
End of life doulas or death midwife are trained to be with families/individuals as they come to the end of life. This may be a solution that works for you depending on where your father would like to spend his last days.
Best wishes

[Sazz]

Have you spoken to Marie Curie? They provided nurses a couple of nights a week when Dad was dying, at home.
Most important is trying to have that, very difficult, chat about what he would like to do
I wish you every strength