Nanny's husband spending time with my daughter, not sure how to deal with the situation? Post Reply

[ILOVECHRISTMAS]

I am a regular on this site but am posting under a different name today.
By way of background, we have had our nanny for nearly 5 years. She did after nursery pick up for us to begin with and then when my daughter started school and my nanny's main host family moved out of London she became full time for us.

She is very lovely, reliable etc. and my daughter adores her. But, I have an issue with the fact that her much older husband (his age is part of the thing that is creeping me out) who used to pick her up from work a couple of times a week now seems to be coming to spend some more time with them. I feel very uncomfortable about it but don't want to offend her by asking her not to have him interact with my daughter. My husband thinks that I should let it go, we trust her and should by default trust him. Any thoughts on how best to deal with this delicate situation would be very gratefully received.

[Jsjaooshbsh]

If you feel uncomfortable about something it's for a reason! If you don't like it. Put at end to it.

[Goldhawk]

Trust your gut instinct
She is supposed to be working for you not spending time with her husband

[Luvnyrick]

totally agree with both post. Shouldn't have him in the house tell her your not happy with the situation end of !!

[muddyboots]

If you have a gut feeling, go with it !
What’s more important, your daughter or hurting their feelings? Easy choice, but a bit uncomfortable to bring up in reality.

Many women talk of retrospective gut feeling … after something happens they wish they had listened to that little voice.

Either way, you feel uncomfortable, so that’s all you need to act on.
Make up a lie if you have to.

[muddyboots]

Also, you don’t bring your other half to hang with you at work. Same for your nanny, your home is her place of work. She should focus on your daughter, not hang with her husband.
You could just say it from this angle anyway and not have to mention him being creepy.

Do talk with your daughter about safety, normal touching zones ( hands, shoulder, head..) and not normal etc
Just in case there is something untoward so you have a dialogue.
Also, that adults can’t have secrets with her ….

[Bambi]

Lovely nannies don’t have their husbands at work with them.
It’s called safeguarding your children and you need to put them first not your lovely nanny.
Is he police checked? If she was my nanny the husband would never be allowed to visit in my absence

[Bambi]

Lovely nannies don’t have their husbands at work with them.
It’s called safeguarding your children and you need to put them first not your lovely nanny.
Is he police checked? If she was my nanny the husband would never be allowed to visit in my absence
Also you posting under a different name really answers the question
Your child comes first full stop

[IrenaP]

Why should you by default trust him?
Do not ignore your gut instinct!

When I was growing up our family friend had a live in nanny whose partner would visit periodically. They later found that the partner sexually abused the child. As I write this it upsets me - the child has gone on to have many challenges in life due to this experience.

Age is not the issue - your motherly gut instinct is!!. You may trust your nanny but she is still your employee, so keep your head on.

Even if the partner has a DBS check - which they should (and our childminder had this for her husband) - do set some rules immediately around her partner’s involvement and set boundaries. Ask for the DBS check initially if you haven’t already. Keep an eye on the situation and your instinct,and if worse comes to worse you should find another nanny. I know this sounds rash but your child’s protection (as you know) is your priority.

[Hey]

As a nanny and a mum I find it odd that your nanny’s partner is hanging out with her at her work place in your absence … It’s probably innocent but it’s not right. please don’t feel bad and have a chat with her. Your daughter is your priorities xxx

[DearKitty]

We had a similar issue some years ago with our nanny's boyfriend popping by for lunch a few times a week. We only found out because of ring doorbell. We had words with our nanny about it and it stopped immediately. She didn't take offence and apologised profusely (especially given the element of "deceit" as he had been visiting without our knowledge).

We explained that we didn't have an issue with her socialising as we understood that adult company is nice when you are with small children all day; but that during the working day such socialising should be in the context of something beneficial for our child e.g. a playdate with another nanny / child, visits to playgroups etc. We felt that a visiting adult who might have no interest in children would take away from the attention our child was getting; and potentially raised safeguarding issues.

Hope that helps

[NoodleFan]

Agree with all posts above.
Does he not have a job?

[Anon1234]

Just to give a slightly different point of view - our nanny has been with us for 6 years and is part of the family. My youngest was born while she was with us. Her and her husband don’t have children of their own but enjoy being with children. Her husband comes with her when she does extra babysitting, or looks after them on the weekend, and he drives her to pick them up from school abs then leaves. So he doesn’t really come into the house in her regular working hours and has a very good relationship with my children. I see it as a bonus as they are getting the attention of another caring adult. BUT she always asks me if it’s ok if he comes into the house, even though I always say yes and this has been the arrangement for some time. I would be very annoyed in your position if I had not been asked, and I would also find it odd if it was in her normal working hours.

[Scottov]

Not sure it’s says great things about your nanny’s judgement to put you in this position

[Banana_cake]

He’s probably trying to engage in the place she works. But its just not the right thing. You treat her like a part of your family but she is still your employee.. so her boyfriend cant come to her workplace. Gently bring it up.