How do I stop my wife having 'just a couple' of my chips, crisps, chocolates etc. Post Reply

[MeatAndTwoVeg]

Excuse the intrusion into what I assume is a mostly female audience but it is a femail perspective that I really need.

My wife who is on a constant quest for losing a few extra kg is driving me mad with her 'I'll just have a couple of yours' when we are ordering sides in a restaurant but then has at least half. I love dearly and I know it isn't a big deal in the scheme of things but it is becoming and increasingly big issue as it now happens when we are at home and I open a bag of something. What do I do to get her to order her own fat chips, crisps, chocolates etc. and not deprive me of mine?

There has to be a way that works for both of us? Any advice would be great!

[mrs_original]

Since you asked for advice, here is mine.

I've never had to worry about my weight my whole life and could spend days eating junk food without seeing much change on the numbers at the scale - the fatter I've been until now was 4kg over weight. On the other hand, my husband was an obese kid that was bullied at school and managed to get thinner while practicing sports during his teenager years. Of course he started struggling with his weight during adulthood and basically needs to exercise everyday to burn all the healthy calories he eats.

That being said you can imagine that if I didn't support him I could end up with a depressed husband which would be really sad since he's the most adorable and funny man I've ever known. So I avoid having treats at home so he doesn't feel tempted and since he's the cook I always try to suggest he makes us healthy dishes to eat. If I'm in the mood to eat a cake I can go to a cafe nearby. What I can't do is pretend that his weight problem isn't a team effort and in the end this change of eating habits is a win for me and our kids too.

[missraphaella]

From your question I can't work out if you're more concerned about your wifes' weight concerns, or irritated with her habit of borrowing your own portion of snacks, side dishes, etc ("depriving me of mine").

If it's her weight, you getting irritated by her act of borrowing from your share isn't going to help her address her concerns about putting on weight. If this is the main issue, it sounds like it might be useful to sit down and have a calm and supportive conversation about how you would like to help her work towards her goals of losing weight. This might involve you sacrificing your own snacking/ordering side dishes, etc at least for a while. In a way, make it a team effort - you are forgoing things to remove temptation. Naturally this will only work if you genuinely want to help; if you're going to be resentful there's no point, as it'll just create unnecessary tension and also make her feel even worse. If you need an example, when I was breastfeeding our children I had to restrict several foods due to them having food intolerances. In each case, my husband matched my restrictions so that we were both in the same boat - ie didn't eat dairy, nuts, etc - because it was a team effort. It's an act of kindness and solidarity that really helped me (as a foodie!) and also had the added benefit of being a very loving gesture, so our relationship got stronger as well.

Now, if the issue is more about you simply being irritated at her being a hypocrite - ie, eating your portions when she's trying to lose weight - maybe rather than getting annoyed, you could turn the situation into an opportunity to (again) strengthen your relationship with a romantic gesture. Ordering a side at a restaurant? As the waiter for two small plates, or to bring divided on two plates, that way you're sharing the dish. Same thing if a bag of crisps at home - take the bag you were going to have for yourself, and divide it using two small bowls. Offer her one of them - you still get your snack but without dwelling on being "deprived", and your wife feels loved.

Now if none of the above feels right to you, or you bristle at the thought of sharing in these ways, I'm going to guess there's something else going on. You may well wish to seek the support of a couples therapist.

 

[Stickystick2]

If I understand this right, the issue is you just don’t like sharing your food, correct?
And the reference to your wife’s wish to lose weight is to explain why she never orders or opens her own food, not because you think she should lose weight or is a hypocrite?

First thing obviously is that anything to do with someone else’s weight (even if it’s not the issue for you) can be ultra sensitive, so you need to decide how much of a problem this is for you, and then approach very carefully.

Assuming you decide it IS a big problem, the easiest path is probably just to buy more, so instead of opening one bag of snacks you open two bags. But this will lead to your wife eating more too, which you know is not what she ultimately wants.

The more honest path is to come clean and tell her how you feel about sharing your food. Make it about you, not her. Maybe you went to boarding school, or had grabby siblings. Tell her that you don’t like sharing your food with anyone - you need to know what is yours and what is someone else’s. Then ask her how you can together find a solution. Eg Would she prefer that you always ordered double of whatever you are having, or opened two snack bags? Or would she rather that you each order what you liked and left each other’s plate alone. Or some other solution? It almost doesn’t matter what it is, so long as you get the point over that you feel strongly and seriously about it, but that you are listening to her needs too.

[MeatAndTwoVeg]

I think to answer alenaraphella's question I am more concerned that I only get a half of what I ordered / open and I order /open things because I want them / am hungry etc.

I do want to support my wife in her long time struggle to keep to a weight that she is happy with.

Maybe I just buy larger bags of stuff at home and if she starts to increase her 'just a few' I can revert to the smaller bags. When we are out maybe I will order two portions of things but again after she has taken her few hand the overs to the waiter to take away. Does seem a bit wasteful but helps her and me and it isn't an every day occurance.

Thanks for your replies.

[Starr]

Oh dear haha I think i had a little phase of this after gaining lots of weight after my first. I remember annoying my other half with the same behaviour. Like you he just wanted me to get my own.

Your should give herself a cheat day once a week because its miserable never having naughty but nice food.

You could perhaps have less of this in the house and eat it elsewhere while she gets to her desired weight. I have a weakness for crisps though could easily shun the sweet stuff but I Will attack the crisps

[Stickstick2]

MeatAndTwoVeg wrote:

> Maybe I just buy larger bags of stuff at home and if she starts to increase
> her 'just a few' I can revert to the smaller bags. When we are out maybe I
> will order two portions of things but again after she has taken her few
> hand the overs to the waiter to take away.


With all due respect OP, the above solutions are quite you-centric: they solve the problem for you but probably increase the chances of negative consequences for her. Also (speaking as a woman) I would be really REALLY angry if my husband decided when I’d eaten enough of a side and handed it over to the waiter so I could not eat any more of it. Please don’t do this.

[MagnoliaMum]

I'm afraid to say that pretty much all the women I know (and including myself although I try not to) have a complex relationship with food. It's not just about hunger and fuel and the occasional treat, it has a large element of guilt somehow incorporated. And that increases hugely where 'naughty' foods are concerned. So as well as thinking 'do I want a plate of chips', a woman will be worrying 'do I deserve them/will people around think I shouldn't be eating those as I'm already heavier than I want to be or think I have no willpower?' Society appears to approve of women who keep themselves very thin and have dainty appetites. So a lot of us keep a constant tally in our heads as to whether we've done 'well' or 'badly' with what we've eaten that day and whether we've done sufficient exercise to 'earn' the food - ie putting emotional overtones and critical judgment on what are otherwise simple decisions to eat stuff or not.

It's very dreary and can be quite exhausting. Women find their own 'cheats' to get round this - maybe the calories won't count if no one sees you eat it, or if it's not taken from your own plate. Or you won't look greedy or put on weight if you always eat a bit less of the same things than your friends or your husband who don't put on weight. It all looks a bit crazy written down but I assure you these are things women think, although not totally consciously! And it is sadly very normal.

So what I'm trying to say is that solutions to do with getting extra portions or bigger bags may not help, as this is probably not a logical, rational thing. I would suggest that you try to raise it with your wife, but be really gentle - you are drawing it to her attention, trying to understand why she does this and help her understand it too. She is not meaning to be annoying or take your stuff, but has insecurities about having her own portions. You may be able to reassure her or help her set up better habits.

In case it helps, we have worked out a rule in our family that the person who has the food gets to decide whether and how much they share (so they pass over any chips they can spare, they are not just grabbed) and if you are sharing side dishes in a restaurant, this is agreed before the order is placed.

[justaguest]

just buy extra --- thats what my husband does
he understands me : )

[Scientist]

My wife does this occasionally, not just in restaurants. But we have an easy policy of sharing when we go out, so picking at each other's food is part of our marriage contract! Where it gets me is in my private stash (of chocolate, for example) - often thinly concealed in my backpack or briefcase etc. I have this because I know if I put such items in a "public" place in the house, the children will attack and clean out the stash in seconds. Also, even though we're married, we don't necessarily have to share every little thing....we must be allowed to have some personal items, even 'sweets'. But my wife has now come to rely on the unspoken notion of an 'allowance' from my private reserves. Whatever.....if it sweetens the marriage (excuse pun) , so be it. 

[Mrs_Gannet]

Stealing food from others is an art. It can be done covertly, e.g. when they go to the loo or 'have to take this call'; or overtly, in which case the pickee must pay for their pickings by performing the mandatory naughty-eyes cheeky-child grimace and exaggerated food insertion manouevre. There is also the stealth method whereby you engage your partner in conversation so deep or technical that they see your absent-minded picking as testament to the deep consideration you are giving their words.

My husband has been inspired by the episode of Friends where 'Joey doesn't share food' to build a little barrier across the table when we dine out (using condiments, wine bottle, vase, extra carafe - whatever's handy). However, this can be easily overcome by vetting the room in advance and booking a table where you sit at right-angles to each other.

What you need to comprehend is the increased flavour hit when one eats food that one know one shouldn't. Two chips of your own = the pleasure of two chips. Two stolen chips = two chips squared, so the equivalent pleasure of four chips, while only actually consuming two. By picking at your food your wife is therefore actually reducing her calorific intake. Support her.

[Starr]

Scientist, I do this too. My own stash of dark chocolate always in my draw, just for me!