Husband wants to cut back on our lifestyle and won't let me ask my parents for help Post Reply

[chorister]

Could I offer you a suggestion from personal experience?  First of all a little background - we don't have children but have a brother and sister in law who were not very well off and had at the relevant time (about 2000) two bright children who deserved a really good education.  After we sold a business we set up a Trust for the children in equal shares, with educational costs having the first call on the funds, but with each child entitled to any residue from their share after they completed their education.  In the event one was really bright and most of her funds were spent by the time she finished university, including post grad. The other left school earlier - not dropping out, but preferring not to do university.  She was left with some funds over, which have just paid the deposit on a house.

My advice if you approach your parents is fourfold (1) make sure you agree everything in detail with your husband (2) do everything you can to make it unconditional - we had no say in the children's education once we had signed the cheque (3) try to get it in a ringfenced lump sum to give you and the children security and finally (4) if taking educational costs out of the equation doesn't solve the problem then you have some very serious thinking to do about your lifestyle.  Don't underestimate what inflation and rising interest costs might do.

Hope that helps.

[Scientist]

Wow. At first reading, it's hard not to judge this post harshly. The oft used phrase 'self-entitled' comes to mind.

I really hope that my children don't grow up thinking like this, when they're older and have reached the stage where they can (and should) operate as self contained family units, with all the responsibilities & burdens that come bundled into the bargain. Mind you, more than a few people think like you, so there it is. It is absolutely your right to make choices and your parents' right to spend their money as they see fit. 

Good luck - I hope you make the right decisions and I hope that you and your family can live with those decisions. But for now, with scant information at my disposal, I'm with your husband. 

[Defopastnappies]

Agree w Scientist.
Only thing I would feel was ‘ok’ would be for parents to pay a specific bill or fees, if they greed w the principle.
But funding a lifestyle, not in my book either.

[swmumhere]

Oh my. This post is exactly why I am so so proud of my hubs & me for paying absolutely everything for my kids. I am honestly happy we dont have parents with money. and that the money we have is by hard ass working. My kid is being raised super grounded ( she goes private school and have many middle class things that we didnt) but She has strong values and knows exactly where money comes from.

I will be seriously thinking on how I want to live my life. Also your husband is totally right, if I bring all the money I am entittled to say how we should spend it. I would not like it to be wasted on a lifestyle!

Give your husband a break and make it work, or go back to work make the same money.

Just remember when we die, we go naked, same way we were born.

Good luCK

[TomThomas]

And a cautionary tale from me. Our friend married a lovely woman a few years ago. Her parents were determined to 'help' them out. They bought them a home as a wedding present - in the same village as them. Husband didn't want to accept, but was eventually persuaded to. Once they moved in, they saw the parents in law several times a week. PILs dropped in uninvited and had opinions on everything including children's schools, activities, interior design. 
More importantly, when this began to cause issues, the wife started to run to the parents to talk about the husband. He asked her to move further away from the parents, but by that stage she didn't want to. 
To cut a long story short, after counselling, the couple divorced. They have a young son who now only sees his father, our friend, at the weekend. Our friend is devastated but effectively she chose her parents over him. As a PP said, husbands have pride in providing for the family and overriding that can be ultra damaging.