Has anyone walked away from a private school place at the eleventh hour Post Reply

[allthatglitters]

I'm a regular user of this site but thought best to ask this under another name.

I would like to know if there are any other families who have walked away from an independent school place at the very last moment. Our daughter has a place (11+) and we need to commit and pay our deposit imminently but we are now having very late, cold feet.

Our daughter will be devastated as she worked hard to get the place but we just aren't sure that we can make it work. We wouldn't qualify for any help but it will be a huge stretch and my husband is now thinking too big of one.

I'm just not sure if we should jump in as I don't know if I can let my daughter down so late on in the process or step away and see my husband breathe a sigh of relief. If anyone could help I would be very grateful.

[HenryHoover]

I have a friend who walked away from prep school place at the very last minute. Appreciate that this is different in that it involved exams and interviews but honestly life is too short to put your self under this much pressure. It will only build as time goes on and that will also affect your daughter.

She will be fine. Maybe sad when you tell her but she will be fine.

Good luck.

[Witchtwitch]

I think it’s a bit mean to have had her do all the hard work only to take it away last minute when she’s done so well. We are only just starting the 11+’process now and I can see how much work it is going to entail- I’d be pretty mad if I was your daughter!
Having said that, if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it, and I think it would be worse to pull her out a few years in when she will be settled with her friends. Perhaps you can sell the switch with promises of things like nicer holidays, better birthday presents, etc….

[Cvcx]

We did exactly this and it was the best decision ever. Yes she was disappointed for 24 hours but soon settled into her v good state school and hasn’t looked back. I see others struggle with fees which they say the invoices come round far too often and feel so glad not to have that stress and enjoy the holidays etc instead. Hopefully the money we save can go some way to uni fees, house deposit and we supplement her state education with tutoring.

[Cvcx]

Oh and the 11 plus prep was also a great asset to her when she started at secondary. Those exam & interview skill techniques etc learnt for the 11 plus won’t be lost! I’ll be going through the same 11 plus process for my son even though he will also go to a state school.

[Xcx]

Hi there,

Yes we did last year. For us it was less about the cost of the fees which we had carefully budgeted and could afford taking into account job losses, but because our child really wanted a mixed school rather than girls' only and we only had one option from the offers which we didn't like or think was suitable for us because of its location.

I don't regret changing our mind and opting out but I certainly do feel bad that she did all that work in year 5 and 6 during a scary pandemic for nothing. For us it was easier to walk away because my daughter really couldn't care less about the schools being more academic but only had become adamant she didn't want a girls' only school. I also worried because her younger sibling had missed so much school from the lockdown and I couldn't see how we could put them through that process - so it was a great relief not to worry about that. I was determined I didn't want only one child in a private school although I respect people have their reasons to do that but having known people who did this it does create resentment. I also became concerned about the impact mentally on being in a high pressured school environment because my daughter isn't the most confident.

She has settled nicely in her secondary school and we are very happy with it all. I love that the pupils are all fairly local. The kids are mostly nice and so are the parents. The teachers and SLT are fab and really listen to parents and the students. They have mixed ability classes but group for Maths. Interestingly she is not even in the top group in spite of having academic school offers which goes to show how very able some are. They also offer gifted and talented programs to extend those who need it.

Struggling to pay fees will not be good for any of you. The state schools we have in London are very good with modern facilities and have been this way for a long time. It is totally possible to do really well especially as you clearly have a clever and hardworking child. There are plenty of families at state schools who take education seriously and yet cannot afford fees or qualify for any bursary, so you will definitely not be alone. The wider social mix is also much better for a child on a personal level to understand and relate to all society, rather than be in a privileged bubble. Both me and my husband were privately educated but have been impressed so far.

With money saved you can save for university fees or help her as she grows up to get on the property ladder or whatever it is that will help her in her studies or career
Your daughter should be proud of her achievement regardless of where she goes. Private schools are a nice option to have but they are not the only way to have a great education.

Wish you all the best with your decision but I think it should ultimately be one that fits around your family. Go over the numbers together and decide what's best. Happy relaxed parents means happy relaxed child 🙂
All the best!

[muddyboots]

The way I see it, it’s better to have the short term and soon forgotten pain and disappointment now rather than extended financial pain and maybe embarrassing drop out if you still do it and then can’t cope.

THEN she will be really upset if she’s settled and made friends a year in.

Honestly, I truly can’t see the fuss people make about private schools! Nice, but not always worth it.
Also, you can use the saved money towards really nice extracurricular activities.

Don’t forget it’s not just the fees, it’s all the other charges and trips, going out with friends later at expensive places wanting to fit in.

I honestly think you will do your daughter a favour by not taking the place!

[Scottov]

Happens all the time

And it’s only a place, they’re not that hard to get. That’s a myth that Schools like to promote.

[stickystick2]

Xcx wrote:
>
>
>The state schools
> we have in London are very good with modern facilities and have been this
> way for a long time.

haha, maybe in your little bubble - but this is just not true for much of the city. There is nothing more irritating when knowing that your local state schools are the wrong sex, infested with gangs and bullying, about to be shut down by OFSTED, or you won’t qualify because you are the wrong, religion, to be given a smug lecture by someone living in a £2m house in a catchment full of other £2m houses about how there’s absolutely no need to go private because their local comp is so ravishing.

[Normandie76]

A friend did this. Her daughter is top of the class in all her sets at her state school but Mum says she has never settled there and hates the school and always feels like she should have gone to the private school. I guess it has caused some resentment within the child as she did try very hard, passed Tiffin first round but never got the place there but then was offered independent school place and really wanted to go.

But being financially stretched is very stressful.

Are you certain that you wouldn't qualify for a bursary? In your situation I would contact the school and explain your situation.

You don't know that every option is off the table until you've had a chat with the admissions officer and explained your predicament.

It may not amount to anything but I'd suggest calling and asking and explaining how much of a stretch it would be and double checking that the bursary allocation really wouldn't be a possibility. You just never know until you try. At least then when you've put the phone down you know you've tried everything you could, no stone unturned.

As long as you make your daughter feel loved and special in other ways, I'm sure it will be OK in the long-run.

[Normandie76]

And yes we also have friends who have re-mortgaged their house to pay for private fees. They are taking out approx £75k equity to pay for five years, 11 - 16. So if you have a £2m house, then this might be an option!

[laurazx]

I'd like to just reiterate what others have said - state schools have lots to offer and I'm sure if your daughter is smart enough to have won this place, you can rest assured she will do well anywhere, without the year on year pressure on your life/ marriage of finding school fees - plus extras. Our three went to their local state school - the youngest is still there. It was the closest school -- not an amazing school just a 'good enough' one. If a schools results show for example '40 per cent' get A*/A or whatever, I felt that in a non selective, widely mixed ability London school, I was confident enough to believe my kids would be in that 40 per cent. The'99 per cent' result stats from private schools reflect the fact that they are selective - not that their teachers are particularly amazing - in fact there is a lot of cross over. My eldest went to Oxford, the middle is at vet school. Their large circle of friends ended up in the same places that the local private school kids go to - Russell Group, London art colleges, medical school etc. More importantly, they are confident in any situation, they have friends from every background, they are street smart, well rounded. Some of their lessons weren't streamed - all the research shows that helping students who are less able than you has a positive effect on your learning. They benefited from being at the top end academically whereas in a highly competitive hot house private school, they would probably have felt a lot less 'able' than some of their peers. Finally, many of their friends from primary school went private at secondary level - none did especially better, there were exactly the same horror stories around boys, ****** culture, cliques and definitely mental health issues. I'd say embrace the state sector and save yourself a whole lot of financial stress for nothing.

[Xcx]

I don't live in £2m house 😂and you don't need a 2m home to be in catchment for the state schools in our area. There's people from many backgrounds and social housing too.
State secondary schools are known to have vastly improved in the past 15 years in London. Think you're living under a rock?!
Private schools account for just 6 per cent of the population. That's definitely a bubble. In London if you are going struggle financially it really is not at all worth it.
Think this mother should take pressure off herself. Her daughter will be fine and definitely better off without having stressed out parents.

[mamajojoe]

Daughter was at a selective private primary and had guaranteed place at three very good selective private secondaries. However we were finding the pressure of fees tricky and so with heavy heart made difficult decision to moved to the state sector. It was hard as she was the only child who moved to state apart from a couple who went to Tiffin.. but it was best decision ever. Daughter has excelled and is now off to a top university. She has made friends across all walks of life with a great understanding of difference, has great street awareness and maturity and we have been able to spend some money on travel, culture, extra tutor support where needed etc. The teaching at the school has been outstanding and my daughter moves off to Uni well prepared for the wider world. ( I’m hearing with a degree of disbelief how totally unprepared some of my friend’s privately educated children are!!)
I’d always thought private school was the best option but now I’m a complete convert to state and if you’ve got a bright child and can access one of our good mixed state secondaries then grab it, get involved and she ( and you) will meet lots of great people and your child will have a truly enriching education.

[SW11 Resident]

Mamajojoe, this all sounds amazing. Might you be happy to share the name of this state school?

Thanks