Sister inherited life changing amount of money but angry my parents want to give me more of their inheritance Post Reply

[nvmof3]

If you were in France or anywhere that follows the Napoleónic code (most of Europe) your parents would be forced to divide their estate equally among their heirs and there is good reason for this. In my husband’s family, there has been a decision to leave more to one sibling who has not done so well financially. That sibling chose not to pursue a lucrative career whereas others have worked their butts off to gain financial stability. Also that sibling has no children whereas the others have seven between them. There is simmering resentment but nothing said out loud in order to respect the parents’ wishes but I think the Napoleonic code has a point and is just fair in all circumstances.

[IrenaP]

Isn’t the point of inheritance to take care of those you live in the event of death?

Sounds like your sister is sorted financially, and although you haven’t explained your financial circumstances surely your parents need to take this into account.

Perhaps there are other personal valuables that be distributed equally but the cash goes to you if you will need the liquid assets?

[brihoney]

I suspect your sisters reaction is not about the inheritance from your parents but the way you have all made her feel for inheriting the money. We Brits have strange hang ups about money. It sounds like you are all shocked by the situation and jealous of her. She is feeling un loved, and now she feels hurt that the rest of you are cutting get pout of their will.

Sure of course she does need more money, but she does need her families love and respect.

[Starr]

I strongly belive inheritance should be split equally amongst siblings. It's the only way to prevent animosity and feelings of favouritism. We can't all expect to land with the same finances but I feel with family money it should be spread equally.
Good luck!

[brihoney]

"Unlike her relationship with her own friends and her husband, your sister's relationship with her godmother was not of her making, but something engineered by your parents when she was a baby."

We don't know this. I had a very close relationship with my godmother, she took me to the opera every year from when I was about 12, we would talk about things that I couldn't talk to my parents about. When I was university I invited her up to stay and she had a fantastic weekend socialising with all my friends, and was then able to give me her hilarious insights into their characters. She would send me articles that were relevant to my job. There were years when I'd only see her once a year, but others where I'd have closer contact. My parents were also close to her still and would go on holidays with her and her husband. I can tell you categorically that my other 3 siblings barely knew her. She sadly died very quickly at 70 from a very aggressive cancer and I was so sad I didn't get to see her or speak to her before she died. I still miss her. 

She was a wealthy woman and she left me about £15.000 in her will, which was really a life saver at the time. She had her own children and grandchildren so it wasn't a life changing amount of money. But I don't think I would have expected to share an inheritance I got from her with my siblings, as she didn't really know them, she knew me. 

I don't know what relationship the sister's godmother had with her, but the godmother obviously felt she wanted to leave the money to the one sister. Maybe she felt that she had always made choices in life that were selfless and she wanted to give her a wonderful gift. It is sad that the rest of the family doesn't seem to be able to celebrate this and be happy for her. Instead they are making a big deal about the parent's inheritance. Do they really need to be talking about this now? It seems to me a tactic designed to make her feel guilty for what she got left. 

[SJ1979]

I have been thinking about this a lot.
I know a family where an inheritance disagreement has torn sisters apart.  One sister has 3 children, all are being educated privately by their late father's estate and she has rattled through it as you can imagine, the other sister who has no children has not seen a penny of it, she feels she's being punished for not having any children.  Should children who have lots of children receive more inheritance than those not lucky enough to have as many, or for whatever reason have not got children?  
Our family have very significant varying degrees of wealth among both my husband's siblings and mine due to their own success or from marriage, but there is no way any of us would dream to say, 'oh so and so has married very well / earns lots of money therefore can you give him/her less so the rest of us who are less better off get more!!!'.  
Equally split is the way, if you are lucky enough to see anything that is, and it doesn't all go on care homes!!

 

[Phoenixpayne]

I actually can't believe people are arguing over what THEIR parents do with THEIR hard earned money.
Up to the parents how they spend their money and its none of anyone else's business. If the parent wants to leave 98% of their wealth to one child and 2% to the other they are allowed too.

I could never ever argue with a sibling over our parents money it's absolutely disgusting and classless.

[Bunnypigeon1]

This debate reminds me of the cartoon i hyperlinked above- equal doesn’t always mean fair. I have 4 children and I would like to split their inheritance so as to leave them all in a good place- and that may mean not splitting it equally but yes fairly. Of course it’s more complicated than that in reality but leaving one child with a heap of money and another with much less doesn’t seem the right thing to me…. Your sister sounds very greedy and selfish. It will be a hard one to fix now as someone will always feel hard done by, much of a first world problem as it may be!

[Lovelovelove]

« I strongly belive inheritance should be split equally amongst siblings« 
I fully agree with this. Inheritance is not there to make things equal or fair, it is what parents leave to their children after their death and has a lot of sentimental meaning.

As a parent if you don’t leave things equal because one sibling needs more help for ex, do you realize this sibling could win the lottery the next day? Or that the one deemed not to need the money might have an accident and become disabled and not be able to work.
So many events can make someone rich or poor very quickly.

What I am saying is that trying to use inheritance to make things fair is not a great idea as you might end up making it unfair. Better to leave the same to each and know they your children will know you loved them equally.

[Starr]

"it is what parents leave to their children after their death and has a lot of sentimental meaning."

As irrational as it may seem to some I 100 per cent agree. Siblings will look out for each other and may even offer financial support IF parents treat them equally.
The poster will STILL be well off if the family estate is split and should ought not to be concerned with her sister's unexpected inheritance from her godmother.

[funandfrolics]

Hi Dazed,

I think your parents have every right to try and be fair about the inheritance you both receive, specially when they chose the godparents...

Locallocallocal posted about her parents giving more to her poorer siblings than to her and feeling punished for having done better (and maybe having studied and worked harder).  In her case, I would ask my parents to get my siblings to write a letter that if she lost her money for whatever reason (illness with expensive treatment, accident that stops you from working), they will share their inheritance with her. This way, she will turn things around and they will show their true colours.

To be honest if they sign this letter, her kids may still inherit as by the time she dies, she might have spent all her own money in care home expenses. Whereas, if her siblings have little income or pensions, they may get support from the government... What if they marry someone rich? What if they win the lottery? If her parents wanted to be properly fair, they would put the inheritance in a Trust for the benefit of their descendants as and when they need it. The taxation of Trusts if not great but it is a great tool in these type of situations...

My father in law said he wanted to share his inheritance with his step daughters. We suggested the step daughters shared their own father's inheritance with us (as far as we know he has not remarried so, most likely, they will get his money). We have not heard back!

I myself am very clear what I will do: most of my inheritance will go to a Trust for my grandkids education (and great grandkids if there is any money left). Education is in my opinion, the best inheritance you can give anybody. It is a much longer legacy, and you protect your inheritance from your kid's wasting it to an addiction, asset split on divorce, etc...

[Loupyloo]

I appreciate the difficulty of this situation as I am a solicitor dealing with Wills & Probate (& sone probate disputes).
Your parents are doing the best thing, which is to discuss their wishes with you both, so they do not leave a surprise behind & wounded feelings. I completely agree that it is their money and they can and should do what they wish with it. However, I also know that when children are treated unequally it can lead to bad feeling. As children we somehow feel that what is left in our parents wills reflects their affection for us. I would therefore suggest that your parents do what they wish but assure you both that they love & value you both equally. Hopefully, by the time they are no longer with you, you will both be able to appreciate their openness and care for you both and it will bring you together rather than tear you apart (as may have happened if they had not discussed this with you during their lifetime).
A note to you both: cherish your parents whilst you are lucky enough to have them around!

[Scottov]

If you were in France or anywhere that follows the Napoleónic code (most of Europe) your parents would be forced to divide their estate equally among their heirs and there is good reason for this. In my husband’s family, there has been a decision to leave more to one sibling who has not done so well financially. That sibling chose not to pursue a lucrative career whereas others have worked their butts off to gain financial stability. Also that sibling has no children whereas the others have seven between them. There is simmering resentment but nothing said out loud in order to respect the parents’ wishes but I think the Napoleonic code has a point and is just fair in all circumstances.

What do the Eskimo do, or those in Outer Mongolia? Seems as relevant

[Scottov]

"Unlike her relationship with her own friends and her husband, your sister's relationship with her godmother was not of her making, but something engineered by your parents when she was a baby."

We don't know this. I had a very close relationship with my godmother, she took me to the opera every year from when I was about 12, we would talk about things that I couldn't talk to my parents about. When I was university I invited her up to stay and she had a fantastic weekend socialising with all my friends, and was then able to give me her hilarious insights into their characters. She would send me articles that were relevant to my job. There were years when I'd only see her once a year, but others where I'd have closer contact. My parents were also close to her still and would go on holidays with her and her husband. I can tell you categorically that my other 3 siblings barely knew her. She sadly died very quickly at 70 from a very aggressive cancer and I was so sad I didn't get to see her or speak to her before she died. I still miss her. 

She was a wealthy woman and she left me about £15.000 in her will, which was really a life saver at the time. She had her own children and grandchildren so it wasn't a life changing amount of money. But I don't think I would have expected to share an inheritance I got from her with my siblings, as she didn't really know them, she knew me. 

I don't know what relationship the sister's godmother had with her, but the godmother obviously felt she wanted to leave the money to the one sister. Maybe she felt that she had always made choices in life that were selfless and she wanted to give her a wonderful gift. It is sad that the rest of the family doesn't seem to be able to celebrate this and be happy for her. Instead they are making a big deal about the parent's inheritance. Do they really need to be talking about this now? It seems to me a tactic designed to make her feel guilty for what she got left. 

I love this post. I thought exactly the same thing!

It’s bizarre to assume there was no relationship here or that people are interchangeable like Lego pieces.

All we know is the godmother in this instance valued this relationship very much.

[TFP]

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This debate reminds me of the cartoon i hyperlinked above- equal doesn’t always mean fair. I have 4 children and I would like to split their inheritance so as to leave them all in a good place- and that may mean not splitting it equally but yes fairly. Of course it’s more complicated than that in reality but leaving one child with a heap of money and another with much less doesn’t seem the right thing to me…. Your sister sounds very greedy and selfish. It will be a hard one to fix now as someone will always feel hard done by, much of a first world problem as it may be!

I would certainly agree with the viewpoint expressed in this cartoon.

One of my two kids is more able [in terms of raw intellectual horsepower] than the other and also has a set of softer skills that translate into success in the workplace, such as positivity, being hardworking, outgoing, etc etc.

The differences between the two of them were obvious to me even when they were both the cradle. The differences, certainly including the differences in softer skills, do not by no stretch of the imagination reflect any kind of moral superiority on the part of the more able child. They were just born that way, by pure chance. I certainly have it in my mind as a possibility that I might leave more money to the less able child.

But it depends very much on precisely how things turn out - if one of them under their own steam built a 10 out of 10 material lifestyle and the other more like a 2 out of 10, then I wouldn't hesitate to leave more to the one who was worse off. But if one was 10 out of 10 and the other 9 out of 10 I'd go with equal shares. I suppose if an equal share would be enough to push the less well off child to about a 7 or 8 out of 10 or something I'd probably still go with equal shares. 

I recognise that there are people who take the opposite view, though, namely that shares should always be equal. A [very] few of these people are even themselves not in a position where they themselves would benefit from such an arrangement.