Daughter's best friend and family quite religious and she is asking why we don't pray Post Reply

[Cinderalla]

Hello
I'd like some advice as to how to sensitively handle a situation.
My 9 year old is very good friends with a girl at school and their friendship is very obviously getting stronger. Playdates, now sleepovers, spending the day on a weekend at each other's houses etc.

I'm happy about this and the other family are lovely. But, it's becoming clear, they are quite religious. 

This isn't something that they have gone out of their way to promote, however the last few playdates or sleepovers have resulted in questions, about God and questioning why we don't say prayers.

The reason we don't say prayers is because my husband and I are very atheist and when asked by our children have always said "God doesn't exist but other people believe he does so you have to respect that" etc etc.

On the one hand I feel very strongly I don't want my daughter believing in God, on the other they are a lovely family and I don't want to be disrespectful.

I don't want her to be rude but some of our arguments about religion such as there is no proof/we might as well worship Roman gods/it's fiction would come across as rude but I don't want to skirt around the issue as I feel strongly in my position.

Apologies this is quite waffly but struggling how to explain this without coming across as rude.

[chorister]

My nephew and his wife are very committed vegetarians but bring up their two sons as omnivores, reasoning that when they are old enough they can make up their own minds.  May be that's a model to think about.

[Moonlightdawn]

Wow, I don’t mean to sound unkind, but I am a bit shocked by your strident views.

Why don’t you let her explore and decide? Perhaps she might want to believe in God one day. And what if she does?

Perhaps be a bit more open-minded and tolerant.

[muddyboots]

I will try to see it from your point of view. Obviously parents are set on bringing up their children with their own belief system.

However, I’m still a bit shocked by your reaction.

It’s not as if she’s asking about drug taking or mixing with some weirdo sect.

Millions of people believe in God and she WILL hear about God and meet religion in life regardless of what you believe in!

This goes for everything.

To try to stop her asking questions or be afraid of any potential interest it’s actually a disservice to your child.

I can think of worse brings for your child to be exposed to.

You live your life and I really don’t think there is any danger of your child suddenly changing her beliefs.

Or would you stop her playing with anyone that doesn’t fully match your world view or belief system?

[Bunnypigeon1]

I think you need to relax a little- this is no different to, for example, being Christian and your daughter making friends with a Jewish or Muslim girl. Differences in world views and ways of living is just a part and parcel of life, especially in a city like london. Your daughter must learn that not everyone has the same beliefs but that core beliefs remain the same - honesty, hard work, charity, etc. We have 3 different religions just in our extended family alone, and we are bringing up our children as agnostic, and the messaging has always been that different people believe in different things as a way to explain life- and their values have to be respected as long as we feel comfortable (I’m not comfortable, for example, in serving kosher or halal meat in my home as I’m a strict vegetarian and will only cook meat for my children from a limited number of supplier). Ultimately it’s a balancing act but one that your family will need to learn to navigate in its own way.

[dimelda]

Cinderalla:  I support your views wholeheartedly.   As an atheist myself, I’d go further & say don’t let your daughter become too involved with that family – she could easily get sucked in to all the nonsense in which they believe … & as a result you could lose her (to religion).   You say they’re lovely people!  You must be a most tolerant person!  If they’re hardline evangelists, particularly if they belong to that appalling Alpha Group, they’re certainly not lovely people.  & how do you know they're not promoting religion to your daughter?  Their own daughter seems to have been indoctrinated - yours might be next.  Keep her away from them (as much as possible) would be my advice (although I’m sure most people on this forum will disagree with me – about which I give not a hoot).  Good luck.

[Guest]

Hi

Totally understand how you feel. Same here in our family.

My husband and I like how schools introduce religious study in a diverse, knowledge-based way. The world is made with colourful diversity. Children should know that people are all different and have their own cultural backgrounds and they should be respected for their religion and culture, and vice versa.

That's the message we tell our boys. Mum and dad we believe in our own judgments. We love people who are kind, and respectful. We also respect our boy's choices if they choose to start believing in religion when they grow up, as long as they do not go into any kind of extremists.

Our boys are quite happy with our answers to their questions.

There are always two sides to the stories.

[SouthLondonDaddy]

@dimelda, I find your view appalling. All we know is that family is religious and you start talking about hardline evangelists???

And, OP, I am quite shocked by your reaction.

What if the other girl is asking her parents questions along the lines of "Why does my friend's family not pray? And why do we have to if they don't?" And what if the other family were asking, right now, how to limit interactions with your daughter???

The approach "we are right, the rest of the world is wrong" can be a dangerous one. Why not just tell your daughter that religion is something on which one should decide when they grow up, so when she grows up she'll make up her own mind? 

[cuqui03]

I just honestly not sure I follow. We all have certain things we don’t want our children to do but your views on something around religious beliefs seem a bit disproportionated. Particularly in a place like London, what do you tell them when you see someone with a headscarf or walk by a church? The world is a rich place and knowing different things coexist makes it a richer place. I also see it as discriminatory to be honest. As long as she is not “forced” into anything are you background checking all friends and their families to that extend? If you are not ready to answer those questions you’re up against a tidal wave or even worse, your kids not asking.

[cuqui03]

Wow. Presume you do not even talk to anyone with different views. Just ensuring they don’t indoctrinate you. Seriously. Far worse is being pushed by social media and kids are soon enough diving head on in there. Nothing better than educate in personal judgement and character, ignoring they exist does no good to anyone.

[Lola123]

With the greatest respect this is ridiculous. As a parent of older children if you think you can (or should) control every friendship your child has to ensure any they do have mirror your views, I think you will end up with a very isolated child which I’m sure is not what you want. Surely you want a child who is exposed to people from different cultures etc and if not I would move out of London! One of the joys of London is the diverse population.

[NoodleFan]

This is a great thread as it sums up most aspects of parenting - ie your kids wanting to explore the world, try new things and hear different views, and you being there to guide them to be sensible and kind but also to encourage them to think for themselves and not control their thought process.

If you tell her what to think all the time then she’ll either resent you completely (esp when she’s a teen) or not be able to think for herself.

Also would you prefer her to be reluctant to go to school saying she has no friends? Sounds like this kid is very sweet and they get on very well.

I’d be careful what you meddle with - situations like this will come up a lot believe me.

[faybian]

I'm wondering why your daughter asks you why you don't say prayers when you have made it clear to her that you don't believe in God? I think you have to make it clear to her that you don't believe in God and that the other family do and that is why they carry out certain religious practices. Be clear about your own personal reasons for not believing and point out that it's called a belief system because it relies on believe, not proof. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. Do you have any reason to believe that they are saying anything to try and convert her? Telling her she'll go to hell etc? That would certainly be a cause for concern, but otherwise I would just let her explore the issue and answer her questions in as calm and detached a manner as you can. At the end of the day it is her choice if she wants to experiment with religion.

[kindfacilitator]

Dear Cinderella

Not easy and my heart reaches out to you.

Just be honest and open with how you feel with the parents of the other family. As a Christian I too struggle with over enthusiastic evangelists who assume they have all the answers. One previous comment suggested that the family may have attended an Alpha course? I don't know whether that person has had a bad experience or just has issue with it but that person's truth is just as valid as is someone who has attended and wants to share their story where their life has been changed. Even the word God / Jesus causes quite alot of friction amongst families etc. There is a biblical reference about Jesus / God and division in families. It needs to be read in context.
The lovely godly family will be aware if they have done the course that they may be shining with gods radiance and grace. For some that can be too bright or indeed uncomfortable. My suggestion is that the family give out some Ray Bans when others feel jarred or awkward. Sometimes the heaviness of scripture taught to young children can at times be more about the parents insecurity projected onto the child.
I remember an Iman once closing an event I organised commenting when asked for his closing message. He said 'Just repect the otherness of others'.

God knows what's going on and knows every heart and every hair on the head apparently. If this is indeed the case God will know the spirit behind your question and I hope very much the lovely godly family learn something from yourself and your family. You may be inadvertently be putting up a mirror for them to look into.

Shalom

[uptheoctave]

My mother found God a few years ago and we went to her baptism. At the time the kids were 7,9 & 11. We watched her getting dunked and the kids were a bit bored (although they found the dunking hilarious/scary as a lot of the other dunkees were resisting it and had to be forced underwater by the dunkers). 

The church was very evangelical, there was a lot of preaching and the kids ended up going outside for a long time as attention spans were limited. 

We answered their questions as openly and respectfully as we could (not using the borderline flippant language I started this post with) and gently explained that it made Grandma happy, gave her a wider community of friends and something to take comfort in after losing her parents then her husband (my father). And we explained that this was absolutely ok and should always be respected.

After a while, they started coming back from her house saying "Mummy, Grandma says she loves Jesus more than she loves us!" I had to explain that it was a different sort of love, that Grandma was still very excited about how happy she felt with her new belief and she probably didn't mean it that way. She would also preach to them a lot. The older 2 kids weren't interested, the younger one has always been a bit more spiritual so enjoyed hearing stories. However, she felt a lot of the Biblical stories were outdated and so, a year or 2 later, she decided that she was going to worship the Dolphin God and felt that talking with Him gave her comfort. She still occasionally sets up a mini altar, lights a candle and has some quiet time with her Dolphin God. We support this, as she quite clearly gets something from it. Her reasoning is that anyone can believe in anything if makes them feel a bit better.

My partner is an atheist and my belief depends on my mood. As long as my kids are happy and kind, I will always support any religious belief they choose to explore. I don't agree with the dogma of anything but if it makes people happy and kind then why is it a bad thing? Yes, there's room for exploitation, but there is in everything so it's teaching kids to think for themselves but if they want to model their behaviour on something that brings a bit of happiness into the world, then who am I to stop that? 

Your post was put well, I'm sorry it's elicited some angry responses from people, but it's not as if your kid's friend's family are promoting hate speech, so just go with the flow. And to finish with a Biblical quote, "...this too shall pass"!