Daughter's best friend and family quite religious and she is asking why we don't pray Post Reply

[MUM2BOYS2]

I think your dislike for religion is playing a part in how you are viewing this situation. Please allow your daughter to have her own beliefs, rather than telling her God does not exist? Spirituality and belief in God often helps people through difficult times.

[mightbeconsideredreligious]

Chose the username as guess our family might be considered ‘religious’, though we would never describe ourselves in that way.

Agree with the previous poster, that your original post seemed well put, balanced and considerate! Children are curious and ask lots of questions, and I think that’s very much to be encouraged. I have to admit I wasn’t sure from your post whether it was your child, or the guest, asking questions. Either way I don’t think you need to worry about causing offence by simply explaining what your own family’s belief or practices are?

[Scientist]

I would feel the same way if I thought the other family were trying to enforce their religious beliefs on your (very young) daughter. But if they aren't, then you should attempt to be open minded about it. I don't feel that you should prevent your daughter mixing with people who have different views to your own.

I am an agnostic - and I tell my children so, but encourage them to explore and make up their own minds. I was educated at a traditional C of E private boarding school, where a small element of biblical study and regular visits to the school chapel were part of our curriculum - thus I grew up with some understanding of the bible and to an extent, within the culture of the Anglican Church. Out of school, it was 'the done thing' for many families of friends who lived in rural communities to attend church on Sundays and if they were important families, they were expected to sit at the front and become involved in one or other official position on the parish council. In other words, whatever their true beliefs, church was embedded in society, at least in a ceremonial way. 

I am sad that the tradition of singing hymns, attending church on high days and holidays and also, understanding biblical references, will be largely lost on my childrens' generation. 

So whilst a great deal of what religions believe to be true strikes me as the stuff of fairy tales, I would never, ever wish to deprive my children of the chance to experience religion and to use their critical faculties to make their own decisions about what they do and don't believe. 

[Happyeitherway]

I agree with some of the responses here suggesting a rigidity on OP part.

Even within the same religion people can have widely different upbringings and views about it as a result.

I've found that those who are vehemently 'against' all religion have a backstory relating to their own personal upbringing (which doesn't apply to others, necessarily)
In addition, I have met people in university days who became obsessively religious as a result of not being introduced to spirituality and 'higher things' in their childhood which is often very comforting. Its this way round, rather than the reverse, (ie that any religious education results in a religious 'nut') .
Presumably you feel you have all the answers, so I don't see what your question really is regarding answering your child's questions.

[atbattersea]

Uhh, you seem to have brought out all the zealots!

Firstly, not one has to respect anyone else’s views, in a legal sense, you only have to respect their right to have those views, and not discriminate against them because of those views.

This comes from the Equalities Act, which lists certain characteristics as being protected. Amongst that list is religion. Fortunately, also amongst that list is an absence of religion. Effectively this means your views as an atheist are as protected, legally, as someone else's religious views.

I don’t think your views are in any way unreasonable. It is completely reasonable to tell your child that you are an atheist, and why that is the case.

As to those stating that you should educate your children in religion while they are young, so that they can decide for themselves when they grow up – this is called indoctrination. Educate your children in your own socio-political views, and explain why you think other people’s views are wrong.

You don’t need to educate your children in religion, its tentacles surround and squeeze the breath from other views.

The most obvious thing about an atheist’s conflict with religious views is that most religions, and sects of those relgions, conflict with each other in fundamental ways. We even know that the three main religions in Europe and the Middle East are effectively branches of the same tree, or parents/children/siblings to each other, but they have been fighting and killing each other for centuries (even fighting and killing amongst themselves).

I expect your daughter will grow out of this interest. But in any event, if she asks you a question about religion, just try to tell her the truth, in your own terms. It is equally possible that your daughter's friend is also asking questions at home, and you can be sure that her parents are answering according to their “truth”.

When it comes to fundamental questions like life and death, be truthful about that too, in an age approriate way. Granny is gone, but she lives on in all of us because we remember her, and we share her DNA. She isn’t in heaven looking down on us.

Don’t be embarrassed about being an atheist - most people are atheists, they are just too scared to accept and admit it.

Celebrate your mortality!

[Bibbity]

In the kindest way, your even posing this question implies a certain degree of intolerance. Just answer your daughter’s questions. She has noticed and is asking questions about differences in the world. Be glad she has this curiosity and use it to reinforce your own beliefs in the same way you outlined in your OP. Demonstrate openness to your daughter, not intolerance.

I wonder if the other family are similarly concerned about this child from an atheist family playing with their daughter and spending so much time with her? Perhaps they fear she might succumb to atheism?

[Cinderalla]

Thanks for the replies. I have read and discussed with my husband they have all been very helpful.

Just to stress we are not looking to have our daughter not be friends with this lovely girl or her family but at the same time we don't want her becoming religious. We just don't believe. We will however continue to tell her that others have different views and of course that is ok. 

I think that what we haven't done to date is give her permission to learn about religion for herself. We haven't forbid it because it hasn't come up. It now has. Maybe we were being a bit tunnel visioned.

I am going to speak to her teacher when school is back to learn some more about how religion is addressed in school and see if we can use this as a starting point.

Thanks again for your collective help.

[Guest]

I’m a Christian and was quite saddened to read your post. I’d never considered that as a Christian, another family might find my faith (I don’t consider myself to be religious, I have a faith) an obstacle when letting my child play with another. I’m not suggesting you are, but as some have suggested, I wouldn’t presume the family is trying to force their faith upon your daughter, but if a child came to my house to play and have dinner, I wouldn’t not say Grace just because they were there, in exactly the same way you wouldn’t say Grace because your daughter’s friend is there and is a Christian. You can be sure the family have some great values as Christians and the person who mentioned the ‘Alpha’ lot I’m sure has never done Alpha. Personally I highly recommend it. I have taken along two friends in the past, one of whom was an atheist, and they both found it incredibly interesting and thoroughly enjoyed it, you should give it a try! It’s a safe space to ask whatever questions you like, and it might help you understand the family’s faith a bit more so you can feel more at ease about your daughter spending time with them.

[Ohtzo_Sympl]

Husband is christened and confirmed CofE, not interested in religion. My parents have different religions, neither are CofE and I was not christened, but we married in Church. I drag everyone to (CofE) Church three times a year, which they seem to actually like once they are there and we all get some space to think about our place in the world in a different way. Younger child wants to be christened because ‘wants to be closer to God’. We left it a couple of years in case a phase, but still wants to do it so we are going to make it happen. Elder child ambivalent. All of us are fine with all of it.

[gomummygo]

This topic has generated some very interesting comments and views, which I hope helps you.

The only thing I can add is that, the UK is a Christian Country and this has helped shape the country. The UK is also a tolerant country. I think Christianity in the UK is very subtle but underpins the values of the people, education, politics and services on offer, especially all the amazing charity organisations out there.

I think you can’t go far in a day without seeing a church, a name of street or town which all points to the Christian heritage of the country. Not to mention, the important works of art, literature and music.

Also, if you are someone who travels a lot you will notice how much freedom we enjoy in the UK.

I think you are more likely to encounter Christians in the UK than any other religion, and there is nothing wrong with giving your child a good understanding of Christianity and being objective. I think your child has a good friend there!!

[Flambeau]

Hi Cinders,

You maybe overthinking this a bit.

As you are comfortable with the family and their household that your child is sleeping over at your home and their daughter at yours.

Surely, this is something that you should be comfortable discussing with the family, if it even warrants a discussion.

You have your views, they have theirs. Please don’t try and stop the friendship because of differing beliefs.

Your daughter is 9 and asking perfectly normal questions based upon what she’s seen and experienced at her friends house.

It happens all the time.

You like the girl and her family, have a conversation.

[atbattersea]

The only thing I can add is that, the UK is a Christian Country and this has helped shape the country. The UK is also a tolerant country.

Unfortunately, these two statements don’t really go together. Skisms in christianity still stalk our fair islands. Different sects of christianity have persecuted other christian sects, and other religions, throughout (at least) the past millennium. The christian church has in the past effectively banned learning in the UK, and was grossly intolerant in that effort – even banning copies of the bible that were not in Latin. Imagine it, the people of this country unable to read the founding texts of their religion in their own language!?

Similar issues occured across continental Europe.

Take a proper look at the history of religion in the UK, you’ll find many things you did not expect.

[chorister]

"Take a proper look at the history of religion in the UK, you’ll find many things you did not expect."  For heaven's sake, take a look at the history of pretty much anything and you'll find many things you did not expect.  History is fascinating, but we need to live in the present.

[atbattersea]

For heaven's sake, take a look at the history of pretty much anything…

Sure, the history of philosophy, logic and science, is littered with the corpses of all those fanatical thinkers knocking each other off and declaring war on each other… or perhaps not.

As I wrote in my last post, the skisms of christianity still stalk these fair islands. That’s not history that you can distance yourself from, that is ongoing, and real, and very now. Invoking heaven won’t change that fact.

The Anglican sect still can’t make up its mind whether gay people are worthy of equality and the Catholic sect is still wedded to its patriarchy… and these are the moderate ones!

[funandfrolics]

Hi Cinderalla. Sorry for the late reply. 

I noticed you referred to God as 'HE'. God is not really a person.